Bawled My Eyes Out

Posted: May 16, 2010 in Rantings
Tags: , , , , , , , , , ,

So today, has not been a good day and I don’t think it’s going to get any better. Probably worse, but not better. As the kids and I are heading over to Mama T’s house today for an amazing barbecued dinner, The Boyfriend says he’s probably gonna go straight to sleep. And I say, “Yeah right, you’re probably gonna watch porn first.” and he goes, “I’ve been doing really good on not watching porn.” So I say, “Yeah but no one is going to be here.” He didn’t watch porn, but the whole entire conversation just sucked.

I pointed out to him the other day that he watches porn more than we have sex! Well I go over to Mama T’s, a little snappy because I’m just not happy. She asks what’s up, and I go into this entire thing about our sex life. Start crying about it and everything. I’m just so freaking upset over this whole porn thing lately, and the fact that I’m only getting laid once a week and most of the time it’s completely vanilla sex, and The Boyfriend is constantly teasing me with adding BDSM to our lifestyle!!

Then my Mom goes and says that I need to find a friend to talk to about all this stuff. A real human, not someone off the internet. And I just burst out into tears more. I have a hard enough time finding a person I like, let alone a person that’s going to like and accept me. I can’t talk to normal people about anything because all I ever want to talk about is sex.

So of course, after bawling my eyes out over something as petty as The Boyfriend and porn and my lack of sex, I’ve come to the conclusion that maybe it’s time for me to seek some help for this whole thing. It feels like I’m trapped in this sexuality. I can’t be me, I can’t not be me. I can’t be the sexual being I long to be, because I can’t find a single fucking person to be there with me.

I can’t even talk to other people about it, because no one else gets it. I just feel so sexually frustrated and stifled. And when I talk to the people in my life about it, it just scares them. I just don’t know what to do anymore. I feel so completely alone in this whole thing. This whole trying to discover who my sexual self is. And I hate that trying to get through this point right now, is being so hard. I hate that my sex life makes me cry…

The preoccupation with sex is what’s starting to worry me. There doesn’t seem to be many moments in the day when I’m not thinking about it, or wanting it or writing about it or reading about it. It just always seems to be on my mind. I don’t want it to ever get to the point where I can’t control it. And sometimes I don’t even think I can do that now.

It’ll get to the point where I want it all the time, and I’ll do anything to get it. And I don’t want it to get there. That scares me. So I’m thinking some sex addiction therapy might help me out. But even that scares me. I like that I’m sexual and open. But I hate that I can’t be, because I don’t know a single other person who is even a little bit like me.

I’m just so lost…

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