Problem with Sexuality

Posted: June 12, 2010 in Rantings
Tags: , , , , , , , , , ,

I hate that I have such a problem with The Boyfriend being sexual without me. From porn to masturbating, I have such a problem with him watching or doing either of those things, without me. It shouldn’t bug me.

I’m the most accepting person I know of the fact that we are all sexual beings with sexual needs and desires. I understand watching porn or masturbating. And yet, just the idea of The Boyfriend masturbating while I’m not there, makes me automatically angry.

For some reason, I’ve been having trust issues with The Boyfriend. He hasn’t done anything at all to deserve it. If anyone has any rights to trust issues, it’s him, not me. And yet I’m almost always saying to him, “I don’t trust you”, especially in all sorts of sexual areas. From did he watch porn (which he hasn’t, and if he has he’s done a spectacular job of hiding it), to is he enjoying having sex with me.

I think it’s partially this immature thought that just because I don’t watch porn or masturbate unless he’s there, that he should just do the same. And that’s unfair for me to ask for. Especially being that guys normally watch porn and masturbate for different reasons than girls do – or at least that’s my theory. I just wish I could figure out the cause of the anger so that I could work towards getting over it.

Today he asks how late Alfie stayed over last night. I don’t ever lie to him about when Alfie was here, because I need to earn back the trust that I lost, and honesty is the number one step to that. I know it bothers him more than anything when Alfie comes over, and I often rationalize with him that Alfie is my only “friend”, my one connection to the outside world that doesn’t consist solely of kids. So he goes and says that every time I let Alfie come over after he leaves for work, he should get to do something that makes me upset. And since the only thing that I’ve ever stated makes me upset is watching porn, he’s basically saying every time Alfie comes over, he’s gonna watch porn.

I said to him, “I hate that you put Alfie and porn in the same category”, because they’re not. Porn is not the father of three of his children, and porn is not the one person he’s considered to be his best friend in the entire world for the last six, almost seven years. Plus, porn doesn’t just show up on his doorstep! Porn doesn’t call him every night and make him feel guilty when he says no to it. Alfie does all that and more. Saying yes to him coming over at night is a thousand times better for everyone, than saying no. Because than we don’t have to deal with immature, dramatic bullshit that Alfie would pull!

I think if he started watching porn as a type of punishment for me hanging out with my only friend (though, if Alfie and I didn’t have kids and such a history, we probably wouldn’t be friends), it would only make things worse. It would halfway drive me to Alfie, because I’d need someone to vent my frustrations to. It’s such a complicated situation, and I need to determine a way to make it less complicated…

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Comments
  1. Lorne Clarke says:

    Morning Valerie, Hope all is well. Read your rant. You need someone to vent to. That is normal, and if you don’t, eventually you will explode. I only watch porn for a purpose, whether it be masturbation or sex with someone. If I had a girlfriend I probably wouldn’t watch porn unless it was to get ideas for something new. I think that is just The Boyfriend being immature and jealous of the attention Alfie gets. With four children I think your time is very occupied and you should be getting more support. Perhaps when Alfie comes over to see the children you could leave them alone and spend time spoiling The Boyfriend? Might be all he wants and could make him happy.

  2. Hey Lorne 😉

    The Boyfriend is very jealous of the attention that Alfie gets, and has alot of rights to be so. It’s not even so much jealousy as it is, I think, him worried about me getting hurt again or me cheating on him with Alfie again.

    We’ve tried the whole leave Alfie alone with the kids thing, and it doesn’t ever work out. Alfie claims he comes here to see the kids, but in reality it’s to hang out with me. Sneaking away from alone time is especially hard for The Boyfriend and I, because even if Alfie watches the older kids, we still have a baby that isn’t so much into being without Mommy and Daddy. Generally, having kids puts dampers on alot of areas. Especially the areas that I write about on this blog!

    Thanks for the advice though, and I’ll definitely keep it in mind next time Alfie comes over 😉

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