Posted: July 24, 2010 in Rantings

Finally, after almost two week of not getting laid, and after spending the entire day feeling rather passionate, I finally got laid. It took me changing out of my clothes, putting on a dress type thing, and taking off my underwear. At first, I was completely thinking, “It’s mostly my fault it’s been so long, thanks to my insecurities cock-blocking me”, but by the end of the night, I’m not so sure I felt that way anymore.

It was crazy amazing sex and lasted much longer than we both expected. It was the first time in a really long time that we were changing positions like crazy (all my idea!). It was very playful sex, with both of us teasing and most of it was made up of various grinding hip moves by me, which I always find fun. I really want to know how it feels for him when I’m doing it, more than “It feels like you’re grinding my cock!”

He came and then I laid down on the bed and played with myself. He stood beside the bed, caressing my legs and arms, while I played with his butt. It took no real time or effort, but I felt like it crept up on me, and next thing you know I”m having a wicked intense orgasm, which results in me digging my nails into The Boyfriend’s legs, my entire body clenching violently. After orgasms like that, I feel like I did 50 crunches. Too bad it doesn’t work that way in real life.

I wish that after sex, I felt as good during sex. Emotionally speaking. During sex, I feel all high and sexy and like I could do no wrong. No matter what I do at that moment, it’s gonna be sexy. Even when my pussy is filled with air and it sounds like I’m farting. But as soon as the orgasms over, I just feel down and out and like I want to cry.

Last night was amazing. The Boyfriend reacted to everything I was doing like he couldn’t get enough of my body. I was on top last night, which hasn’t happened in a super long time. He held my hips and grabbed my tits and I felt so extremely sexy. Afterwards, I say that I liked when he grabbed my hips. He said that he wasn’t sure if I would like it. I wanted to say, “The only reason I don’t like when you look at my fat body, is because you make it seem like it’s unattractive!”, but I don’t want to blame my insecurities on him or ever make it sound like it’s his fault. Because it’s not, it’s mine.

He’s just not the way I remember him being, prior to pregnancy. And maybe I’m just remembering those rose-colored glasses we used to wear (puppy love), but I remember him working to make me feel better about myself more often before. I remember him caressing ALL of my body alot more often, not just my legs. I remember him telling me I was beautiful all the time, and now even after practically begging for it, I can get one sentence and nothing more.

I don’t know… I’m getting really sick of my insecurities interfering with every aspect of my life. Even on How to Look Good Naked, it takes some very persuasive convincing from Gok for these women to walk away feeling like they are truly beautiful, clothes on or off. Where’s my Gok? Where’s my guy to laugh at the ridiculousness of the insecurity, instead of the guy who snickers when I say I’m fat? Where’s my guy to post pictures of me, and then stop people to get them to admire me and tell me what is beautiful about me? Where’s my guy to ask me to pose naked for him, and when I try to refuse because of my insecurities, he grabs my arms and pulls them away from my body and says, “Look at you, you’re amazing and beautiful. And this body…”, and then goes off about all the things that are wonderful about it.

I feel like a broken record just going off about all this stuff, over and over again, week after week. And I can pretty much guarantee that nothing’s going to change anytime soon. I’ve talked, in very short bursts, about all of it with The Boyfriend. Though I seriously wish he’d just suck it up and read my blogs, so that he could better understand how he could help. Because right now, I think he feels like he can’t really. Like I’ll just roll my eyes at him and pfft him some more. And I will, but I need him to just keep saying it. Keep acting like it. But he’s never going to read my blog now that he thinks I’m being so very mean to him on here, so I guess it just never gets better…

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s