Lack of Communication

Posted: August 18, 2010 in Rantings

Last night had to be one of the worst nights ever. The Boyfriend and I got in our first official fight and all over shit that happened awhile back. After hours of talking upstairs about a variety of things from ex-girlfriends/boyfriends, my previous mental issues and drug use, we decided it was finally time for bed.

Remember along time ago, how I had sent him that message on Facebook about how much I despised him watching porn and asking why he was searching for a girl on Google. I never got a response. Then I started thinking, “Oh my god, it’s his ex-girlfriend”. For the first time in two weeks, he showed interest in finally having sex and I just kept thinking over and over again, “Why couldn’t he just have told me that? Why have I had to wait months and months? Was it innocent, or did he feel guilty and that’s why we never talked about it?”

So as he begins making out with me, he can tell I’m completely not happy. He pulls back and asks what’s wrong. I rolled over and said, “Nothing I want to talk about.” He laid there for a few minutes longer, just rubbing my back and my heart began beating faster and faster, to the point where I started feeling sick. I blurted out, “Why did you never respond to anything I wrote you on Facebook?” He said some bullshit about not wanting to talk over Facebook, so I responded with, “Why couldn’t you talk to me face-to-face then?”

After I go off about the entire message all over again, from how he makes me feel undesirable when he only has sex with me every two weeks, and how it felt crappy to have him searching on Google for girls, and how it haunts me everyday that I still have no idea what all that was about.

Then to top it all off, the other night he officially called me fat. After saying that my second best feature was my personality and then maybe my boobs (after my legs), we were talking about my brother’s previous girlfriends. We’re talking about how dumb they are, and their weight gets brought into the picture. I say something like, “Don’t say that” and he wraps his arm around me, and basically says that I’m fat but it doesn’t matter because at least I’m smart.

So I say all of this and include the chunky porn girl thing, and then I go to roll a smoke. I come back down and he’s just laying there silent. I say, “We’re not going to talk about this are we?” and he rolls over. “I’ll take that as a yes” and he says, “I don’t know what to say that isn’t going to bite me in the ass.”

Horrible things ran through my head at that point, I got up out of bed and came and slept on the couch. Now we’ve both been awake for half an hour at least and he hasn’t even looked at me, hasn’t said a single freaking word and spent the first 20 minutes avoiding being in the same room as me. I hate that we can’t even freaking communicate about something so petty. Argh, I’m angry.

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