Archive for the ‘Rantings’ Category

Lack of Communication

Posted: August 18, 2010 in Rantings

Last night had to be one of the worst nights ever. The Boyfriend and I got in our first official fight and all over shit that happened awhile back. After hours of talking upstairs about a variety of things from ex-girlfriends/boyfriends, my previous mental issues and drug use, we decided it was finally time for bed.

Remember along time ago, how I had sent him that message on Facebook about how much I despised him watching porn and asking why he was searching for a girl on Google. I never got a response. Then I started thinking, “Oh my god, it’s his ex-girlfriend”. For the first time in two weeks, he showed interest in finally having sex and I just kept thinking over and over again, “Why couldn’t he just have told me that? Why have I had to wait months and months? Was it innocent, or did he feel guilty and that’s why we never talked about it?”

So as he begins making out with me, he can tell I’m completely not happy. He pulls back and asks what’s wrong. I rolled over and said, “Nothing I want to talk about.” He laid there for a few minutes longer, just rubbing my back and my heart began beating faster and faster, to the point where I started feeling sick. I blurted out, “Why did you never respond to anything I wrote you on Facebook?” He said some bullshit about not wanting to talk over Facebook, so I responded with, “Why couldn’t you talk to me face-to-face then?”

After I go off about the entire message all over again, from how he makes me feel undesirable when he only has sex with me every two weeks, and how it felt crappy to have him searching on Google for girls, and how it haunts me everyday that I still have no idea what all that was about.

Then to top it all off, the other night he officially called me fat. After saying that my second best feature was my personality and then maybe my boobs (after my legs), we were talking about my brother’s previous girlfriends. We’re talking about how dumb they are, and their weight gets brought into the picture. I say something like, “Don’t say that” and he wraps his arm around me, and basically says that I’m fat but it doesn’t matter because at least I’m smart.

So I say all of this and include the chunky porn girl thing, and then I go to roll a smoke. I come back down and he’s just laying there silent. I say, “We’re not going to talk about this are we?” and he rolls over. “I’ll take that as a yes” and he says, “I don’t know what to say that isn’t going to bite me in the ass.”

Horrible things ran through my head at that point, I got up out of bed and came and slept on the couch. Now we’ve both been awake for half an hour at least and he hasn’t even looked at me, hasn’t said a single freaking word and spent the first 20 minutes avoiding being in the same room as me. I hate that we can’t even freaking communicate about something so petty. Argh, I’m angry.

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The Lessons of Green Eggs and Ham

Posted: August 11, 2010 in Rantings

Tonight, as I sat in a circle with The Boyfriend at my side, and my sister and her boyfriend, we discussed many things, and giggled at many as well. I was speaking to my Dad tonight for the first time in forever, and none of what he was saying was making any sense. Someone said “Put green eggs and ham and see what he says!” and The Boyfriend said something along the lines of “He’ll probably say ‘Whoa, that’s deep!” to which we all broke out into a hysterical laugh.

But through my extreme laughter, I started thinking “Yeah, whoa, that is deep. Real deep!” As I said it out loud, I got strange looks from the group around me, which I of course returned with an even stranger look, confused at how they didn’t see it.

I realized that my number one sexual philosophy for myself, is completely demonstrated and summed up in Dr. Seuss’ popular children’s book, Green Eggs and Ham.

See in this book, Sam runs around asking if the other guy wants green eggs and ham. Eventually after alot of chasing and alot of questions, Sam convinces the other guy to eat the green eggs and ham. Guess what? The other guy loved it!!! He absolutely loved green eggs so much that he was no longer angry with Sam, and he even chanted that he would he eat them on a boat with a goat, in a house with a mouse. He even said he would eat them here, there and everywhere!

So, how does this demonstrate and sum up my number one sexual philosophy? Well, it’s simple really. When it comes to sexual activities, don’t knock anything until you try it. Don’t just assume you don’t like something. I have a very specific rule for myself: Everything must be experimented with in three’s. There are only three things that are absolute hard limits for me that I won’t experiment with, and that’s poop, pee and puke (The three P’s. Are you seeing a pattern here?)

I don’t think in any area of our lives, we should just cut out options without at least trying them first. You never know what’s going to work and what you’re going to like. I’m a big believer in having a clear definition of who you are, especially sexually because I believe it’s the only way to be sexually satisfied.

You can’t define yourself when you haven’t explored yourself! You can’t say “I don’t like this”, if you never have tried it. I personally think that that is pretty darn deep! All thanks to Green Eggs and Ham.

2 in 1 Sex Toy Fun

Posted: August 4, 2010 in Rantings

Well, I can officially say I’ve used more than a crappy vibrator now! Finally, after two nights of having a box of sex toys calling my name, The Boyfriend and I finally got some use out of some of them.

We pulled everything that we might like to use out, laid them out for easy access and began a nice little make out session that quickly turned to toy use. First was this little jelly dildo that was meant for anal penetration, but when I saw it, I knew I wanted to try it vaginally. It was much much pointier than I expected it to be, and it literally felt like I was being poked internally.

Shortly thereafter, I grabbed the cock ring with the vibrator attachment. The Utopia Vibrating Love Ring to be exact. I lubed up The Boyfriend and was surprised at how easy the thing slid over him. Unfortunately, when I slid it on, the vibrator part was kind of off to one side, and getting it to turn to the front was near impossible. And I wasn’t about to remove the thing!

So for most of the actual sex, the clitoral vibrator was mostly on our legs. But the vibrations could be felt throughout his cock and it was incredibly good. It didn’t take him as long as I expected for him to cum, and when he did, it felt like the little nubbies along the ring expanded and began much more pronounced.

I maneuvered the clitoral stimulator to the front, and sat on it hard to keep it there, after he had finished cumming. After a few short twists of my hips, I was cumming frantically, scratching at The Boyfriend’s chest.

Pulling the ring off was a little bit harder, and I was so scared that I would hurt The Boyfriend. But other than that, it was a great fun time. Unfortunately, the sex didn’t help the headache that The Boyfriend had, so we fell asleep almost immediately afterwards.

It’s only about a month away before we start doing FetLife Fridays here on The Rantings of a Tortured Mind – XXX Rated Edition. Every week (on Friday), we’ll be featuring the best content from around the quickly evolving social networking site for kinksters by kinksters.

If you haven’t joined FetLife yet, you should! Unlike many of the social networking sites geared towards those of us who are kinky, this site is not meant for hooking up. It’s meant for support, friendship, and education.

I’ve started a group on FetLife called The Rantings Network and we’re getting prepared for the first FetLife Fridays (scheduled for September 3rd, 2010). We’re discussing aftercare. So join us in discussing why we should be using aftercare, how we should be using it, when we should be using it and what it really means.

Then join us here on September 3rd, 2010 and find out what the kinksters on FetLife think about aftercare. Also view featured groups and more related to aftercare. Hope you enjoy!

Join FetLife Today!

Craving a Spanking

Posted: July 29, 2010 in Rantings

Seriously, it’s getting kind of tired now and I’m starting to just feel frustrated. At least once a day everyday (usually a hell of a lot more), I’m experiencing these twinges in my clit and then I spend the rest of the day massively craving a spanking or desperately wanting to flog The Boyfriend.

Last night only made it worse, when The Boyfriend let me playfully flog him after we play fought. It was incredibly sexy and he was wiggling around and dancing about and it was so much fun. I walked away and just said, “I wish you’d take it more seriously sometimes.”

It’s not that I don’t love the playfulness of it all. Because I really do. But I wish that we would follow through on at least one thing we said we were going to integrate. Like punishments and rewards. How many times have I not done the dishes? And how many times have I said I was going to learn to belly dance and haven’t (not really, outside of my bathroom belly dance)? And how many times, in my books, did I deserve a punishment. Because, trust me, the ratio is just not balancing out.

I figured with him not working, we’d be having sex all the time and kink would become more and more something that was integrated into our sex lives and eventually our everyday lives. But it’s been nothing like that at all.

It’s been big long gaps in between sex. And at first I was thinking it was mostly my fault because of all my insecurity issues, but lately it seems like it’s more him than me. Like he’s the one who chooses to stay up late, and he’s the one who falls asleep first and he’s waiting for me to initiate.

I’ve told him that no matter what, this month we’re going to a munch. I can already see it not happening. It’s just starting to suck. It sucks that our sex is so amazing, and we have it so little. It sucks that he keeps playing around with something I’m pretty darn serious about. And it sucks that he doesn’t realize how it makes me feel. It sucks even more that I’m not even sure how it makes me feel.

Outside of my sexual frustrations, everything is going pretty darn good for me. A person I know is sending me a box of sex toys (left over inventory from when she ran her own business). The hope is to do a few home parties and then start selling online. I hate how it’s so hard for everyone to understand that my main goal isn’t to make money. My main goal is to raise sexual awareness and understanding, and promote a healthy sexuality. Money is just an added bonus. But, I’m excited none the less. I’m very curious what’s going to be inside the box 😉

Well, cross your fingers that I get a spanking or flogging soon. If not, I might cry or get angry…

FINALLY!!!!

Posted: July 24, 2010 in Rantings

Finally, after almost two week of not getting laid, and after spending the entire day feeling rather passionate, I finally got laid. It took me changing out of my clothes, putting on a dress type thing, and taking off my underwear. At first, I was completely thinking, “It’s mostly my fault it’s been so long, thanks to my insecurities cock-blocking me”, but by the end of the night, I’m not so sure I felt that way anymore.

It was crazy amazing sex and lasted much longer than we both expected. It was the first time in a really long time that we were changing positions like crazy (all my idea!). It was very playful sex, with both of us teasing and most of it was made up of various grinding hip moves by me, which I always find fun. I really want to know how it feels for him when I’m doing it, more than “It feels like you’re grinding my cock!”

He came and then I laid down on the bed and played with myself. He stood beside the bed, caressing my legs and arms, while I played with his butt. It took no real time or effort, but I felt like it crept up on me, and next thing you know I”m having a wicked intense orgasm, which results in me digging my nails into The Boyfriend’s legs, my entire body clenching violently. After orgasms like that, I feel like I did 50 crunches. Too bad it doesn’t work that way in real life.

I wish that after sex, I felt as good during sex. Emotionally speaking. During sex, I feel all high and sexy and like I could do no wrong. No matter what I do at that moment, it’s gonna be sexy. Even when my pussy is filled with air and it sounds like I’m farting. But as soon as the orgasms over, I just feel down and out and like I want to cry.

Last night was amazing. The Boyfriend reacted to everything I was doing like he couldn’t get enough of my body. I was on top last night, which hasn’t happened in a super long time. He held my hips and grabbed my tits and I felt so extremely sexy. Afterwards, I say that I liked when he grabbed my hips. He said that he wasn’t sure if I would like it. I wanted to say, “The only reason I don’t like when you look at my fat body, is because you make it seem like it’s unattractive!”, but I don’t want to blame my insecurities on him or ever make it sound like it’s his fault. Because it’s not, it’s mine.

He’s just not the way I remember him being, prior to pregnancy. And maybe I’m just remembering those rose-colored glasses we used to wear (puppy love), but I remember him working to make me feel better about myself more often before. I remember him caressing ALL of my body alot more often, not just my legs. I remember him telling me I was beautiful all the time, and now even after practically begging for it, I can get one sentence and nothing more.

I don’t know… I’m getting really sick of my insecurities interfering with every aspect of my life. Even on How to Look Good Naked, it takes some very persuasive convincing from Gok for these women to walk away feeling like they are truly beautiful, clothes on or off. Where’s my Gok? Where’s my guy to laugh at the ridiculousness of the insecurity, instead of the guy who snickers when I say I’m fat? Where’s my guy to post pictures of me, and then stop people to get them to admire me and tell me what is beautiful about me? Where’s my guy to ask me to pose naked for him, and when I try to refuse because of my insecurities, he grabs my arms and pulls them away from my body and says, “Look at you, you’re amazing and beautiful. And this body…”, and then goes off about all the things that are wonderful about it.

I feel like a broken record just going off about all this stuff, over and over again, week after week. And I can pretty much guarantee that nothing’s going to change anytime soon. I’ve talked, in very short bursts, about all of it with The Boyfriend. Though I seriously wish he’d just suck it up and read my blogs, so that he could better understand how he could help. Because right now, I think he feels like he can’t really. Like I’ll just roll my eyes at him and pfft him some more. And I will, but I need him to just keep saying it. Keep acting like it. But he’s never going to read my blog now that he thinks I’m being so very mean to him on here, so I guess it just never gets better…

He hasn’t watched porn in awhile. He claims it’s been since I sent him the nasty Facebook message (and that he has had no desire to do so), though I’m pretty positive last week someone watched porn, because the web history was deleted and the only time that gets done by the guy in my life is right after he watches porn.

And I hate that he’s put an effort in, and I just can’t freaking trust him at all on this matter. With everything else, I don’t have any trust issues. But with porn, I just always think he’s wanting to watch it and that he hates me because I’ve asked him not to. And it’s not like I expect him to never watch porn again, I just don’t want it to be this thing where he sneaks around behind my back, doesn’t ever tell me about it, and where he’s looking at what he looks at. I don’t want to constantly feel insecure because any day, he would rather look at Skanky McSkankerson, and hardly cares to look at me.

It pisses me off more than anything that he knows that I’m having all these image issues, and I don’t feel very comfortable talking about them. More than once, the conversation ends with, “You’ll have to read my blog!”, and I feel like he doesn’t care when he doesn’t read my blog, or even push me until I tell him what’s up. And I feel like his lack of sensitivity is making it all that much worse.

I absolutely don’t want this to be the reason we break up. My insecurities and hatred of him watching porn. But everytime that it upsets me, I just see exactly how it’s going to play out in the future. And I see both of us being completely unhappy for a really long time, and then one day, one of us (most likely him) will just wake up and say, “I’ve had enough of this!”, especially from him. It must suck to not be trusted when you haven’t done anything at all wrong.

I’m just despising the lack of communication about anything. I want so badly for him to tell me what it is about porn that keeps him watching it. I want for him to convince me that he never wishes he could have a busty, anorexic porn star, because he’s got the best, most beautiful girl in the world sitting right next to him. Everytime I think about him watching porn, the whole “I hope she’s not chunky” comment just repeats over and over again through my head, and I just think that there’s no way he could possibly be attracted to me. And it feels super super crappy. I think about him watching porn and I want to burst out into tears.

This morning, I had the opportunity to sleep in. Both of us have been incredibly exhausted lately, so sex has kind of gone on the back burner. So he gets up out of bed this morning and asks if I want to sleep in and I say sure. Most mornings, if I’m sleeping in, he’ll go grab all the kids out of their rooms and then come upstairs to give them breakfast. While this morning, he left the kids in their rooms and came upstairs. My first thought was, “He’s planning on watching porn!”. So I went and sent all the kids upstairs to try to hinder it before it happened.

A little bit after all the kids were upstairs, the house was incredibly warm, I decided I couldn’t sleep. He already had the internet hooked up to the PC, and I was like, “You were planning on watching porn this morning, eh?”, and like I usually do, I said it all joking style. I got a very lippy, “No actually, I was planning on playing Warcraft!” reply back. No sensitivity, no compassion, just made to feel worse for being this crazy bitch that I am. A couple minutes pass, and he pulls out the internet wire, throws it onto the ottoman. So instead of him playing Warcraft, I’m now blogging about my issues with stupid porn.

This is the thing that’s making it all so much worse right now. I’ve lost some weight. I don’t know how or why. Even though, I’m still having an issue with all my pants fitting (I think it’s my hips!), I’ve lost 3 inches around my waist. I personally, think it’s very noticeable, more so with my shirt off than on. Unless I’ve just finished eating, the pooch is getting smaller. When I look behind me, my ribs don’t pinch the fat in the middle of my back. When I lean forward, my boobs no longer have a place to rest. I even pointed it out to The Boyfriend the other day, to which I got no real response to.

Like, that’s another one of those things that is just so hard for me. Why can’t he just agree with me? I’m not saying he has to say nice things about me all the time, but when I’m saying nice things about myself, why can’t you just say something like, “You’re right” or “I’ve noticed that too” or anything that just makes it seem like he sees what I see, and I’m not just some loony laying on the couch next to him.

It sucks, because in so many areas lately, it’s been nothing but happiness between us. And I’m not saying that he’s not been saying nice things at all. It’s not like he’s some big meanie or anything. And it’s not like he intentionally is the way that he is. Not only is it his built in defense mechanism to not open up alot, it’s hard for him to express the feelings that he has. I don’t know why it is, because it’s not like he has a problem expressing emotion when it comes to writing a story. But to show that he has any emotions outside of happy and sad/mad, is pretty much impossible for him to do.

I think I’ve just been hyper-sensitive these last couple of days. And I don’t see it changing anytime soon. So everyday that passes and he doesn’t show an interest (and by an interest, I mean read) any of the blogs or websites in The Rantings Network, or that he doesn’t think to say super nice things to me after I’ve just degraded myself, the more sensitive I get, the more un-trusting I get, and the more upset I get. And I know exactly where it goes to after that, and I’m doing as much as I can to make sure that it doesn’t get there, and now I’m just waiting for him to do the same.

I wish that he’d just read my blog. But I think that he would take all of it wrong. I think that my words are easily misinterpreted, and I don’t see it because it’s my words and I understand them. I just wish he knew more what was going on inside my head about all this stuff, so that he could understand more what it’s like from my perspective. And I do not, under almost any circumstances, want to sit there and tell him because (a) it’s harder to explain and (b) it’s awkward and uncomfortable and so far my experience is that I never get the response I’m hoping for. At least in my blog, I describe in length exactly what I want him to say and how I want him to react. But I guess I’m just too mean to him in the blogosphere or something. I still don’t see it, but whatever…