Posted: July 24, 2010 in Rantings

Finally, after almost two week of not getting laid, and after spending the entire day feeling rather passionate, I finally got laid. It took me changing out of my clothes, putting on a dress type thing, and taking off my underwear. At first, I was completely thinking, “It’s mostly my fault it’s been so long, thanks to my insecurities cock-blocking me”, but by the end of the night, I’m not so sure I felt that way anymore.

It was crazy amazing sex and lasted much longer than we both expected. It was the first time in a really long time that we were changing positions like crazy (all my idea!). It was very playful sex, with both of us teasing and most of it was made up of various grinding hip moves by me, which I always find fun. I really want to know how it feels for him when I’m doing it, more than “It feels like you’re grinding my cock!”

He came and then I laid down on the bed and played with myself. He stood beside the bed, caressing my legs and arms, while I played with his butt. It took no real time or effort, but I felt like it crept up on me, and next thing you know I”m having a wicked intense orgasm, which results in me digging my nails into The Boyfriend’s legs, my entire body clenching violently. After orgasms like that, I feel like I did 50 crunches. Too bad it doesn’t work that way in real life.

I wish that after sex, I felt as good during sex. Emotionally speaking. During sex, I feel all high and sexy and like I could do no wrong. No matter what I do at that moment, it’s gonna be sexy. Even when my pussy is filled with air and it sounds like I’m farting. But as soon as the orgasms over, I just feel down and out and like I want to cry.

Last night was amazing. The Boyfriend reacted to everything I was doing like he couldn’t get enough of my body. I was on top last night, which hasn’t happened in a super long time. He held my hips and grabbed my tits and I felt so extremely sexy. Afterwards, I say that I liked when he grabbed my hips. He said that he wasn’t sure if I would like it. I wanted to say, “The only reason I don’t like when you look at my fat body, is because you make it seem like it’s unattractive!”, but I don’t want to blame my insecurities on him or ever make it sound like it’s his fault. Because it’s not, it’s mine.

He’s just not the way I remember him being, prior to pregnancy. And maybe I’m just remembering those rose-colored glasses we used to wear (puppy love), but I remember him working to make me feel better about myself more often before. I remember him caressing ALL of my body alot more often, not just my legs. I remember him telling me I was beautiful all the time, and now even after practically begging for it, I can get one sentence and nothing more.

I don’t know… I’m getting really sick of my insecurities interfering with every aspect of my life. Even on How to Look Good Naked, it takes some very persuasive convincing from Gok for these women to walk away feeling like they are truly beautiful, clothes on or off. Where’s my Gok? Where’s my guy to laugh at the ridiculousness of the insecurity, instead of the guy who snickers when I say I’m fat? Where’s my guy to post pictures of me, and then stop people to get them to admire me and tell me what is beautiful about me? Where’s my guy to ask me to pose naked for him, and when I try to refuse because of my insecurities, he grabs my arms and pulls them away from my body and says, “Look at you, you’re amazing and beautiful. And this body…”, and then goes off about all the things that are wonderful about it.

I feel like a broken record just going off about all this stuff, over and over again, week after week. And I can pretty much guarantee that nothing’s going to change anytime soon. I’ve talked, in very short bursts, about all of it with The Boyfriend. Though I seriously wish he’d just suck it up and read my blogs, so that he could better understand how he could help. Because right now, I think he feels like he can’t really. Like I’ll just roll my eyes at him and pfft him some more. And I will, but I need him to just keep saying it. Keep acting like it. But he’s never going to read my blog now that he thinks I’m being so very mean to him on here, so I guess it just never gets better…

  • Question 1:

    Have you ever had sex on the beach? Do you want to?

    I’ve never had sex on the beach, and I’m unsure if I want to. When I first started having sex, I know that I wanted to all the time and often fantasized about it. Now that I’m at a more realistic age, I just keep thinking about all the sand and the cold water and sand.

    I’d rather have sex in a nice sanitary pool (preferably my own, clean one).

  • Question 2:
    When having sex outdoors, one must always _______?
    a) Lay down a blanket first
    b) Bring bug spray
    c) Be discreet
    d) Be obnoxiously loud
    What’s your favorite answer?

    This is one of those moments in life where you shake your head and say, “If I knew then, what I know now…” The me now would say (a) lay down a blanket first – again for sanitary reasons. And I’m not even that picky about sanitation… And I would probably also say (c) Be discreet.

    In the past, it didn’t matter where or when or what condition things were in or who might see. It only mattered that it didn’t matter.

  • Question 3:

    If you could have sex in one public place, where would it be and why?

    There are a ton of different places I’d love to have sex, though I’m pretty sure all of them are 100% illegal and I’m also pretty sure that it will always be a fantasy, unless I suddenly start playing the lottery and win.

    This is a hard one to narrow down too, because it would really depend on a variety of different factors. I’d like to have sex in a beautiful gazebo, and at a concert, on a roof (preferably when they’re taking pictures for Google Earth ;)), and I’ve often fantasized about a lingerie store changing room. I think it would be so hot if he just couldn’t contain himself after seeing me in some skimpy outfit and had to take me right then and there. I’d probably be more apt to buy the outfit 😉

  • Question 4:

    On a scale of 1 to 5, how worried are you about getting caught? (5 being really worried and 1 being not worried at all)

    When I was young, the thought hardly ever even crossed my mind. And the only person I was worried about being caught by was my Mom. Today, I’m at at least a 5, maybe more. I’m worried about getting caught for things that aren’t even illegal, imagine how much worse it would be if I was actually doing something illegal. I haven’t had public sex in a really long time, but if I did it today, I’d probably be incredibly nervous and stopping every ten seconds to listen for sounds of authority…

  • Question 5:

    What do you think you would do if you stumbled upon a couple having sex outdoors? Has it ever happened?

    This has never happened to me. I’m not sure how I’d react. I’d probably honestly, walk by and pretend like I hadn’t noticed and then been jealous that they got to live out this fantasy on one hand, and also angered because I didn’t consent to it, and was forced to witness it. I might clear my throat a little as I was passing by. And you bet your ass, I’ll be telling everyone I know!!!

Tell us about one of the best outdoor or public sexperiences you’ve ever had or that you would like to have.

One of the best outdoor/public sexperiences I had… Well there’s two that I can remember vividly. One time was with my first boyfriend, and I gave him head, kneeling on two feet of snow. While it was freezing cold, and we were both wet when we were done, it felt really good for him and it was alot of fun for me.

The next time was after a drunken night at the bar. I had just had my first and hadn’t lost my baby fat, but had just gotten these boots that I called my hooker boots. I paired them up with a plaid pencil skirt that I had gotten at a thrift store years before, and a white button up shirt with a black vest over it. I thought I looked incredibly sexy and wore my sexiest pair of underwear, this black and red lacy kind of thong, though it covered more of my ass, but still left my birthmark visible.

After dancing for awhile on the speaker, I noticed my skirt was beginning to rip a little bit up the back slit. Then all of a sudden, it was ripped right up to my ass. Luckily, I was drunk enough that it wasn’t the end of the world. I traveled to the nearest bathroom, and was even more lucky that the bathroom attendant suggested turning the slit to the side, so that only the top of my white stockings were showing. (This may sound very school girly. I’d like to think I was more of the head Mistress at a Prep School like Julia Roberts in Pretty Woman and Mona Lisa Smile all at the same time!) Ingenious idea though!

I go and dance on the speaker, thinking I look like hot shit, more drunk out of my skull. This larger woman comes over, and starts screaming in my face that I look disgusting and telling me I’m a fat whore. I say something along the lines of, “You’re just jealous because all the guys are looking at me, and not you.” She turns with disgust, and a second later, I’m darting off to the bathroom bawling my eyes out, not only because I just got called disgusting but because I had said something mean to someone else.

Feeling pretty down and out, I find Alfie and tell him we need to leave. Along the way home, I’m stopping every few seconds complaining about how drunk I am, how sore my feet are, and the fact that I had gotten disgusting. We stumble upon the church, and get this idea in our heads to have sex on the church steps, which is kind of secluded, only at nighttime though. I still think my second was conceived on those steps. I wasn’t quiet, I wasn’t afraid of getting caught, it was crazy hot, and my feet didn’t hurt afterwards!!

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He hasn’t watched porn in awhile. He claims it’s been since I sent him the nasty Facebook message (and that he has had no desire to do so), though I’m pretty positive last week someone watched porn, because the web history was deleted and the only time that gets done by the guy in my life is right after he watches porn.

And I hate that he’s put an effort in, and I just can’t freaking trust him at all on this matter. With everything else, I don’t have any trust issues. But with porn, I just always think he’s wanting to watch it and that he hates me because I’ve asked him not to. And it’s not like I expect him to never watch porn again, I just don’t want it to be this thing where he sneaks around behind my back, doesn’t ever tell me about it, and where he’s looking at what he looks at. I don’t want to constantly feel insecure because any day, he would rather look at Skanky McSkankerson, and hardly cares to look at me.

It pisses me off more than anything that he knows that I’m having all these image issues, and I don’t feel very comfortable talking about them. More than once, the conversation ends with, “You’ll have to read my blog!”, and I feel like he doesn’t care when he doesn’t read my blog, or even push me until I tell him what’s up. And I feel like his lack of sensitivity is making it all that much worse.

I absolutely don’t want this to be the reason we break up. My insecurities and hatred of him watching porn. But everytime that it upsets me, I just see exactly how it’s going to play out in the future. And I see both of us being completely unhappy for a really long time, and then one day, one of us (most likely him) will just wake up and say, “I’ve had enough of this!”, especially from him. It must suck to not be trusted when you haven’t done anything at all wrong.

I’m just despising the lack of communication about anything. I want so badly for him to tell me what it is about porn that keeps him watching it. I want for him to convince me that he never wishes he could have a busty, anorexic porn star, because he’s got the best, most beautiful girl in the world sitting right next to him. Everytime I think about him watching porn, the whole “I hope she’s not chunky” comment just repeats over and over again through my head, and I just think that there’s no way he could possibly be attracted to me. And it feels super super crappy. I think about him watching porn and I want to burst out into tears.

This morning, I had the opportunity to sleep in. Both of us have been incredibly exhausted lately, so sex has kind of gone on the back burner. So he gets up out of bed this morning and asks if I want to sleep in and I say sure. Most mornings, if I’m sleeping in, he’ll go grab all the kids out of their rooms and then come upstairs to give them breakfast. While this morning, he left the kids in their rooms and came upstairs. My first thought was, “He’s planning on watching porn!”. So I went and sent all the kids upstairs to try to hinder it before it happened.

A little bit after all the kids were upstairs, the house was incredibly warm, I decided I couldn’t sleep. He already had the internet hooked up to the PC, and I was like, “You were planning on watching porn this morning, eh?”, and like I usually do, I said it all joking style. I got a very lippy, “No actually, I was planning on playing Warcraft!” reply back. No sensitivity, no compassion, just made to feel worse for being this crazy bitch that I am. A couple minutes pass, and he pulls out the internet wire, throws it onto the ottoman. So instead of him playing Warcraft, I’m now blogging about my issues with stupid porn.

This is the thing that’s making it all so much worse right now. I’ve lost some weight. I don’t know how or why. Even though, I’m still having an issue with all my pants fitting (I think it’s my hips!), I’ve lost 3 inches around my waist. I personally, think it’s very noticeable, more so with my shirt off than on. Unless I’ve just finished eating, the pooch is getting smaller. When I look behind me, my ribs don’t pinch the fat in the middle of my back. When I lean forward, my boobs no longer have a place to rest. I even pointed it out to The Boyfriend the other day, to which I got no real response to.

Like, that’s another one of those things that is just so hard for me. Why can’t he just agree with me? I’m not saying he has to say nice things about me all the time, but when I’m saying nice things about myself, why can’t you just say something like, “You’re right” or “I’ve noticed that too” or anything that just makes it seem like he sees what I see, and I’m not just some loony laying on the couch next to him.

It sucks, because in so many areas lately, it’s been nothing but happiness between us. And I’m not saying that he’s not been saying nice things at all. It’s not like he’s some big meanie or anything. And it’s not like he intentionally is the way that he is. Not only is it his built in defense mechanism to not open up alot, it’s hard for him to express the feelings that he has. I don’t know why it is, because it’s not like he has a problem expressing emotion when it comes to writing a story. But to show that he has any emotions outside of happy and sad/mad, is pretty much impossible for him to do.

I think I’ve just been hyper-sensitive these last couple of days. And I don’t see it changing anytime soon. So everyday that passes and he doesn’t show an interest (and by an interest, I mean read) any of the blogs or websites in The Rantings Network, or that he doesn’t think to say super nice things to me after I’ve just degraded myself, the more sensitive I get, the more un-trusting I get, and the more upset I get. And I know exactly where it goes to after that, and I’m doing as much as I can to make sure that it doesn’t get there, and now I’m just waiting for him to do the same.

I wish that he’d just read my blog. But I think that he would take all of it wrong. I think that my words are easily misinterpreted, and I don’t see it because it’s my words and I understand them. I just wish he knew more what was going on inside my head about all this stuff, so that he could understand more what it’s like from my perspective. And I do not, under almost any circumstances, want to sit there and tell him because (a) it’s harder to explain and (b) it’s awkward and uncomfortable and so far my experience is that I never get the response I’m hoping for. At least in my blog, I describe in length exactly what I want him to say and how I want him to react. But I guess I’m just too mean to him in the blogosphere or something. I still don’t see it, but whatever…

Remember that WTMFI Wednesdays has moved. The questions can be found in a tidy list for you here.

  • Question 1:

    How often do you listen to music during sex? Do you wish you did it more often?

    I don’t often listen to music during sex. I wish I did, because it normally turns out to be better sex. Probably 3 or 4 times a year.

  • Question 2:

    What are 5 songs that you love to have sex to? Why?

    I love to have sex to songs with a great bassline. Dance-y type music is generally my favorite. Anything I can do a deep grind to. Songs that I like include:

    – Ms. New Booty by Bubba Sparxx
    – Drop It Like It’s Hot by Snoop Dogg
    – My Humps by The Black Eyed Peas
    – How Low Can You Go by Ludacris
    – Speakerphone by Kylie Minogue

  • Question 3:

    Have you ever given or received a lap dance from a professional? What about from a non-professional? Which did you prefer or which do you think you would prefer?

    I’ve never received a lap dance (though I’ve begged The Boyfriend for one!), and I’ve given one lap dance after I bought Carmen Electra’s Aerobic Striptease years ago. I probably licked it up hardcore, but it was fun at the time.

    I’d love to give The Boyfriend a lap dance or even just dance with him. I just have so many image issues at the moment, that it’s physically impossible. Sometimes I wish I felt like I looked as sexy as I feel…

  • Question 4:

    Do you find when you listen to music while you have sex, that sex generally tends to follow the rhythm of the music? Do you use that advantageously?

    When I do listen to music during sex, I’m always trying to follow the rhythm. I don’t think the guy ever is, but if I’m on top (which is more likely to happen when a song that I love comes on!), I love to grind my hips and bounce to the beat.

  • Question 5:

    Does having music on make you feel more sexy?

    Without a doubt! Especially if it’s loud, and I can feel the pulsing of the bass between my legs. I feel incredibly sexy and even if I don’t look it, I feel like everyone around me wants me 😉

Do you think that you could ever strip professionally?

Back when I first started going clubbing, I would go to the strippers all the time before going out dancing. It was my routine. I would go dancing afterwards and I’d be the one out on the dancefloor doing a stripper routine without ever taking my clothes off. I’ve been told throughout the years that I would make an awesome stripper.

I’ve wanted to strip professionally for awhile now, and even considered going to amateur night a couple times, though chickened out everytime. In theory, it sounds so hot. If I actually got up there, I think I’d just be nervous. But at the same time, who knows. Maybe I’d end up being a crazy good stripper. I think I could probably do it professionally, but I’d need alot of support.

While I’ll still be posting my answers to this blog, and you’re more than welcome to leave your answers here as well, WTMFI Wednesdays now has a new home on the web.

WTMFI Wednesdays Button

A dedicated blog has been created for WTMFI Wednesdays, which you can find here, and is updated up to Week 22: Anal Explorations, and will now post the questions every Wednesday at 12:03 AM. You can learn more about participating, tuning into WTMFI Wednesdays OAV starting September 1st, 2010 and a whole bunch more!

Also, don’t forget to Follow Us on Twitter, and follow the hashtage #WTMFIW to stay up-to-date with the latest WTMFI Wednesdays posts!

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“That’s Tight”

CherriesThis Week’s Questions

  1. What are your thoughts on anal sex? Have you ever had it?
  2. Do you enjoy watching porn with anal sex?
  3. If you’ve had anal sex, what was your first time like? If you haven’t had anal sex and want to, what do you hope for your anal sex experience?
  4. Do you own any sex toys for anal penetration? If not, do you want to?
  5. Do you always use condoms or do you sometimes allow bareback?

What are your thoughts on society’s negative views of anal sex?


  • Each week, for Wednesday, you post answers to the five questions that are posted. You may answer all, or only one or two of the questions. You can post in whichever format works for you, be it video, poetry, answers, pictures or audio.
  • Insert the WTMFI Wednesdays image at the top of this post (get instructions here) into your post, linking back to The Rantings of a Tortured Mind – XXX Rated Edition at
  • Leave a link to your post with the answered questions in the comments section of Wednesday’s WTMFI post. There is a special page for all the links that are submitted, so be sure to submit your links.
  • Have Fun!!!!
  • CherriesThis Week’s Answers

    Question 1:
    What are your thoughts on anal sex? Have you ever had it?

    I have had anal sex (Thank you Boyfriend!), and still have varying thoughts on it. Some days, I’m all for it and think it’s sexy, other days I think it’s risky and dangerous and not something I want to participate in. But like I’ve said here before, I have no problems when it comes to finger penetration. It’s just the penis to anus penetration.

    Question 2:
    Do you enjoy watching porn with anal sex?

    When I was younger than I am now, and first started watching porn, the anal scenes would disgust me. I still cringe when they pull someone’s ass cheeks apart and you just see this huge gaping hole. But I’ve come to accept that it’s going to be there.

    The only time I enjoy watching porn with anal sex in it, is when it’s double penetration. I don’t know what it is about watching double penetration, but it turns me on so much and gets me off so fast!

    Question 3:
    If you’ve had anal sex, what was your first time like? If you haven’t had anal sex and want to, what do you hope for your anal sex experience?

    I had attempted to have anal sex many many times before actually successfully having anal sex. And with every boyfriend I had had sex with, we tried anal sex, and every time it would start to hurt too much and I’d tell them to stop.

    A couple months after The Boyfriend and I were together, we gave it a try. I was really nervous and he knew it, and in this calm and smooth voice, he gently talked me through it and was very responsive to my body. At any point that I’d even just flinch, he’d go very easy and tell me I was doing great or that I was such a good girl. He was behind me and we were on our sides, and he’d reach up and stroke my back or my hair, and he was just very gentle and very sweet and I became incredibly relaxed. Moments later he was pulling out cumming, and if I remember correctly so was I.

    It was amazing and it felt so intimate, instead of kind of dirty like before. We’ve only probably done it once or twice since then, but that first time was incredible.

    Question 4:
    Do you own any sex toys for anal penetration? If not, do you want to?

    No I don’t own any, yes I want to. I’ve always wanted to don a strap-on. And I’ve always wanted to use anal beads on someone else. For use on me, only because I know The Boyfriend wants it, we need to get a dildo so he can be fucking me while using the dildo on my ass. I’d like to get The Boyfriend a cute little butt plug, though I don’t know how into that idea he is. But I’d like to get my vaginal and clitoral toys and some BDSM gear out of the way before making anal purchases.

    Question 5:
    Do you always use condoms or do you sometimes allow bareback?

    I’d like to say that I always used condoms, but it’s just not true. I almost always allow bareback. I’m not worried about getting any STD’s from The Boyfriend, so condoms almost never cross my mind. Lube is an absolute must though, lots of it!!!

    What are your thoughts on society’s negative views of anal sex?

    The same thoughts I have on society’s negative views of sexuality in general. I think it’s bogus and unnecessary. I hate that we’re a society of sexual beings, whether we like it or not, because that’s our biology, and yet it’s still so taboo to talk about sex, or sell sexual products, or own a sexual business, or write a sexual story. Even though it’s been happening for centuries, guys are still all uncomfortable about the idea of anal penetration, because they’re guys. Like I just think we need to be able to be open and honest and communicative and sexual, because that’s how we were designed. We should be allowed to freely express that!

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    It Just Keeps Getting Worse

    Posted: July 5, 2010 in Rantings

    This whole image issue is beginning to get out of control now. And I have had these huge plans to begin working out, and then the day comes when I had planned to do it, and something always gets in the way. Today, it was not setting my alarm the night before because I was incredibly upset.

    I hate that The Boyfriend lets me get away with my self-deprecating comments. I know that it’s not his responsibility. But I wish when I was saying something like, “my fat ass”, he would stop me and say something nice to attempt to reverse my thinking. Since he didn’t, and instead just laughed along, I just felt incredibly crappy by the end of the night. So I put on an extra layer of clothing and a big house coat and crawled into bed.

    Then he crawls in behind me and wraps his arms around me and then pulls back and says, “You need to take this off. It’s not comfy!” My entire body tightened up and I went completely silent, and he says, “I didn’t mean it in a mean way.” I just stayed completely silent.

    I wanted to scream out to him, “You never do! You never mean anything mean, but you say mean stuff all the time!”, but then I just laid there for the next two hours thinking about how I wish one single conversation would go that would make me feel better about my current body. I just want to know that he truly thinks I’m still sexy and that he truly still desires me and finds me attractive. That it’s not simply that I’m the mother of his kid and we’re in a relationship and that’s just what you do when you’ve made that commitment.

    I want him to disprove my idea of my body, and tell me what it is about all the stretchmarks and all the excess me that it is that he loves. I know, it’s a little vain. Alot vain. I hate that I need validation from someone, but it’s seriously getting to the point where I just feel so crappy as a person (and there’s people everywhere making it feel that way), and there’s no one rooting for me. No one’s saying, “Val, you have a sexy body!” or “Val, you’re an incredibly intelligent woman!” or “Val, you’re a GREAT Mom and your kids are lucky to have you!” or “Val, I’m okay with your sexuality!”. Instead I get people who are willing to tell me what’s wrong with my parenting, what’s wrong with my intelligence, what’s wrong with my sexuality, and people who laugh when I say I have a fat ass! I feel like no one is in my corner, no one is supporting me.

    And even after all that, I feel even worse for being so damn needy!!! I feel like I’ve never needed as much validation in my life, as I do right now. I was planning today to write all about the conversation that I saw happening in that two hours that I laid in bed awake last night, but do you think I could remember it now? Of course not. I even said to myself last night as I thinking it that I should just get up and blog then. But do you think I did? Of course not!

    So needless to say, when I woke up this morning, I didn’t feel like getting out of bed at all. Not even a little bit. I did though, and checked my Facebook as usual. Yesterday, I applied on a website to become a sex toy reviewer, along with a whole bunch of other local jobs. In my excitement, I wrote a Facebook status message about applying to be a sex toy reviewer. My lovely step-mother (sarcasm!!), who I haven’t had on Facebook in years, who isn’t welcome in my house and whom I hate with a passion, writes back that I should get a real job, maybe something my kids could be proud of. Then my Mom called and I told her about it and got a response that I wasn’t expecting.

    I spent the next hour down in my room, bawling my eyes out. After awhile, The Boyfriend comes down, rubs my back and then says he’ll let me sleep for awhile. That’s all he said about that. I didn’t want to sleep at all, I wanted him to say something along the lines of, “You’re kids are already proud of you!” or “You’re a great mom, don’t let her get to you!” or anything that would’ve made me feel like I’m not putting my kids on the back burner for something that I’m interested in. I hate that somehow it becomes taboo to be a sexual being once you pop out a kid!!

    Eventually, I figured out a nice little reply back and dropped my whole upset about what she said. I hate that I let her get to me like that… But needless to say, my day is just not going at all the way I had planned for it to go. And my image issues are getting worse and worse, and I feel like it’s never going to get better. And I feel like an irrational lunatic…