Posts Tagged ‘bdsm’

Tons to write about tonight… From unsanitary stripper hot tubs to the most exciting part of my day, hopefully I’ll be able to keep it together 😉

So first big bit of news, guess what I got today?!?!?!? I’ve been saying I wanted one for years, and guess what folks? I finally got it. That’s right Ladies and Gentlemen, I am officially the proud owner of a laptop. Here I sit, writing this post to you from my brand new HP Mini 10″. Since I’ve never used a laptop before, and am extremely used to the traditional desktop, I am having quite a few issues, from too large of font size to pushing buttons that I shouldn’t be pushing 😉

It took me so long to pick it out, and I kept arguing with myself, “Val, you don’t NEED this.” “Yes, but I’ve wanted it for so long!!!” But then I picked it up and I was like, “Yup, I’m taking this home with me!” I wouldn’t have at all if it wasn’t for The Boyfriend cheering me on, and even helping me with the all important pro/con list. This one was easier to type on than the other one.

So, of course I came home and immediately booted up my brand new laptop. We had gotten The Boyfriend “Red Dead Redemption”, so he was occupied.  I got talking to my Sister, and eventually it lead to a new bit of information that Alfie has leaked to me. Apparently, my favorite (and what I used to think was classier) strip club, has now included a hot tub into the list of features they have. I don’t know for sure all what they have, but when I used to go they had two poles, a swing and a shower. Now they supposedly have a bubbly bath.

When Alfie first told me about it, I went into this entire rant about what kind of sanitation guidelines they had to follow and how that one tub was going to be the ruin of the adult industry, because of one strippers unsanitary and contagious sexually transmitted infection/disease.

Then all of a sudden my Sister starts sending me all these little porn clips in MSN. Well, since the whole hatred of The Boyfriend watching porn thing, I haven’t had any desire to have porn anywhere near me. I don’t want to think about other people have sex, and I definitely don’t want to see it. So I hastily ended my conversation with her, and decided to jump on over to ALT.com’s chatrooms and chat with some of the locals.

I’ve recently discovered that I live very close to some of the people in my community. So much so, that when I saw a firecracker go off in front of my house, they heard it from theirs.  Conversations were going really really great with everyone until one person decided it was time to cyber and another decided it was time to encourage me to either cheat on or leave The Boyfriend.

And I just feel like neither of those are even close to an option. I can’t imagine breaking up what I have now, what I consider to be my current family, all to satisfy my sexual urges!!! I know that eventually in my life, I need to discover who I am sexually. And if that means that I have to travel on without him, so be it. But I don’t want it to be right now. I feel like I haven’t even gotten the chance to get to know him!!!

I just think I’m incredibly confused. On the one hand, I so desperately want BDSM to become more a part of my life. On the one hand, I so desperately want to be the sexual person I long to be. But on the other hand, well the other hand really has no idea what it wants at all. But the other hand would like a chance to see if this could work out in its favor, before just flipping out and going off with someone else.

I don’t even know if I’d be okay with it if The Boyfriend was like, “It’s alright Val, you go off and discover yourself. I’ll be waiting for you with open arms when you get back.” I just don’t know what I want….

It’d be so different if I didn’t have to constantly think about all these kids. And that was another thing. Someone said because I didn’t take the time to fully discover myself and jumped into the baby thing that it showed a lack of maturity. And I don’t think I agree with that at all.

No offense to almost everyone I know, but I’m more mature than almost anyone I know. I mean, I am a mother of four whose been taking care of my responsibilities with very little help, for the last three years. I’d say that takes a pretty heightened level of maturity. I’m the one who pays the bills and puts food on the table and clothes on their backs. I’m the one whose kept this particular roof over our head for almost three years now!!! I’d say that’s pretty freaking mature of me…

And I’m seriously still waiting for one person to tell me that they have reached the point of absolute sexual satisfaction! I’m only 23, I have at least say 23 more years of experience to gain ahead of me. I don’t think I’m in that dreadful of a situation. Unless 23 is somehow now old, in which case, fuck me!!

Kept going off on statistically. Apparently, statistically, those of us under the age of 25 in a long-term relationship have an 80% fail rate. Believable? Very much so. Apparently, in 5 years it’s unlikely that The Boyfriend and I will even be together. So does that somehow mean that I’m now supposed to forget about his feelings, his existence and just go off and find myself sexually, or do I wait the five years until we’re broken up and then find myself sexually. I mean, I am only 23!!!

It started off as a really good chat night, and then it just turned bad. I don’t go into chatrooms to cyber or be told to break up with my boyfriend. I go into them to chat about what we’re all striving towards. I go into them to find someone else who thinks about what I think about. And I don’t think about cybering!!!!

Well, that’s officially my rant for the night. Things are starting to get blurry as I finish my fourth Smirnoff Ice (One ahead of The Boyfriend ;)) Hopefully I’ll be writing tomorrow about my amazing drunken sexperience tonight 😉

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So today, has not been a good day and I don’t think it’s going to get any better. Probably worse, but not better. As the kids and I are heading over to Mama T’s house today for an amazing barbecued dinner, The Boyfriend says he’s probably gonna go straight to sleep. And I say, “Yeah right, you’re probably gonna watch porn first.” and he goes, “I’ve been doing really good on not watching porn.” So I say, “Yeah but no one is going to be here.” He didn’t watch porn, but the whole entire conversation just sucked.

I pointed out to him the other day that he watches porn more than we have sex! Well I go over to Mama T’s, a little snappy because I’m just not happy. She asks what’s up, and I go into this entire thing about our sex life. Start crying about it and everything. I’m just so freaking upset over this whole porn thing lately, and the fact that I’m only getting laid once a week and most of the time it’s completely vanilla sex, and The Boyfriend is constantly teasing me with adding BDSM to our lifestyle!!

Then my Mom goes and says that I need to find a friend to talk to about all this stuff. A real human, not someone off the internet. And I just burst out into tears more. I have a hard enough time finding a person I like, let alone a person that’s going to like and accept me. I can’t talk to normal people about anything because all I ever want to talk about is sex.

So of course, after bawling my eyes out over something as petty as The Boyfriend and porn and my lack of sex, I’ve come to the conclusion that maybe it’s time for me to seek some help for this whole thing. It feels like I’m trapped in this sexuality. I can’t be me, I can’t not be me. I can’t be the sexual being I long to be, because I can’t find a single fucking person to be there with me.

I can’t even talk to other people about it, because no one else gets it. I just feel so sexually frustrated and stifled. And when I talk to the people in my life about it, it just scares them. I just don’t know what to do anymore. I feel so completely alone in this whole thing. This whole trying to discover who my sexual self is. And I hate that trying to get through this point right now, is being so hard. I hate that my sex life makes me cry…

The preoccupation with sex is what’s starting to worry me. There doesn’t seem to be many moments in the day when I’m not thinking about it, or wanting it or writing about it or reading about it. It just always seems to be on my mind. I don’t want it to ever get to the point where I can’t control it. And sometimes I don’t even think I can do that now.

It’ll get to the point where I want it all the time, and I’ll do anything to get it. And I don’t want it to get there. That scares me. So I’m thinking some sex addiction therapy might help me out. But even that scares me. I like that I’m sexual and open. But I hate that I can’t be, because I don’t know a single other person who is even a little bit like me.

I’m just so lost…

For 15 weeks, I’ve been doing WTMFI Wednesdays (almost religiously), and I’ve gotten a few quick comments but no serious participants. This morning, I woke  up and checked my e-mail, like every other morning, and I had a comment notification. I hopped on over to my blog to check it out, and imagine my excitement when it was a link to blog where someone had replied to WTMFI Wednesdays – Week 15: Sexting, where you’re asked some questions about technology and sex.

So the very first real reply to WTMFI Wednesdays comes from Screaming Violet, a horny housewife, a whore and a blogger (as her site states…). Check out her blog here, or follow her on Twitter.

Now it’s time for me to rant…

The list of insecurities I’m feeling seems to grow every single day lately. I think The Boyfriend is beginning to feel a little frustrated by it. He’ll say, “That shirt looks good on you.” and I’ll say, “Yeah, I have a mirror, and no it doesn’t” and then I roll my eyes at him. Today, I compared myself to a girl that he thought was much uglier than I. I hope it doesn’t ever become a problem.

If I really think about it, it already is. I don’t put myself out there or dress up and get sexy for him. I complain all the time that I’m not getting enough sex (which you’ll hear more about in a minute…), and then I don’t do anything to make him desire me. It’s kind of my own fault.

But it’s hard when I don’t feel like he really truly desires me sexually. On average in a month, he watches porn more than we have sex. And even though he’s got four nights off a week now, we tend to still only have sex once a week. And most times it seems like he’s avoiding it. We’ll stay up late playing games and/or on the computer and next thing we know 4 AM is rolling around and he’s too tired to keep his eyes open long enough for a goodnight kiss, let alone a goodnight romp.

I remembered today why I don’t ask him questions either. I hear the answers and then they just play over and over again in my mind. I ask what his fascination is with porn. He’s gotta know that the entire thing is bugging the heck out of me. If he hasn’t read my blog about it yet, I’ve been telling him almost everyday not to watch porn, today I told him I knew how much he’d been watching it. He said the sound of porn was fascinating to him. He uses headphones to listen. He probably wouldn’t watch it if he couldn’t hear it. It just keeps playing…

Then, I was so excited about the fire pit(s) and the munches, and the whole idea of going to them. And of course they have to be on days when The Boyfriend works. I don’t think he’s very comfortable with me proceeding on with the whole BDSM lifestyle without him. Especially being that he views it as something that precedes sex.

I’ve been thinking alot about looking into apprenticing under a professional Domme. It’s something that I’ve been interested in doing for years, and just never thought I actually could. It would also be really nice to get into some fetish modeling. Again, all things I don’t think The Boyfriend is 100% okay with.

I keep having this internal argument with myself over the whole thing. Sometimes I wanna be like screw The Boyfriend, if he can’t handle who I am, he can leave. His choice. But other times, I just can’t imagine living my life without him. I sometimes want to throw my hands up and sacrifice this dream that I’ve been chasing for almost ten years now. And every time I get my hopes up that this relationship will eventually transform into the sexual relationship that I’m craving for it to be, something happens that just reminds me that it probably won’t ever get there.

I’d be lucky to get sex more than once a week on a regular basis and not have to compete with porn all the time…

Yes, sadly, I am one of those fools who follows things like gut instincts and looks for signs to make decisions about things. Not about everyday things, mostly about things to do with me personally.

When The Boyfriend and I first got together, it was a sign to me that within days of starting to date, I was writing songs like they were going out of style. Yesterday, another one of these signs came along, and it was further confirmed tonight, so I think this month is going to be an exciting month.

I got a personal invite to a fire pit on FetLife. Unfortunately, it was extremely short notice and when you’ve got four kids, everything requires at least 24 hour notice. But luckily, the last one went so good that they’re holding another one right away. I replied back with a “Sorry I didn’t make it”, and got invited to the next fire pit and the upcoming munch.

This is my entire problem with anything BDSM-related though, especially where community is concerned. First of all, I don’t feel like I belong there. I hardly participate in BDSM at home, let alone outside of the house. Second, it seems to be more and more of a struggle to get The Boyfriend truly interested in this whole thing. I can’t even really say that though, because it’s not that he’s not interested.

He’ll find things, like K-Nex pieces, and decide they’d make awesome whipping toys. Every once and awhile he’ll say something or describe a scenario that is extremely kinky. Rarely does he ever follow through on anything.

Until I get better acquainted with my local scene, I want to always be going with someone I know. And since I don’t really know the people in my local scene, I’d really like for my boyfriend to tag along with me. But I don’t want him there if it’s not something that truly interests him.

Plus, everything seems to land on days when he works. And while I’m sure, if I asked him to, he’d miss sleep to be able to participate, again don’t really want to be dragging him along.

The other day, I was going off about sex to The Boyfriend, as I usually do. He said something along the lines of, “Sometimes you scare me”, and that’s been sticking with me pretty hard these last couple of days. He didn’t mean it, or at least he claims he didn’t mean it, in the “your sexuality scares me” kind of way, he’s more worried that he’s not going to satisfy my sexual needs and I’ll go off and find someone who will. But it’s not the first time someone’s said that particular thing to me, and not meant that I was going to off cheating on them.

It sucks that I hardly have sex, but that my sexuality scares people just because I like it rougher than most. I hate that it scares people that I’m constantly thinking about sex. I could understand it more if I was more perverted about it. Like if I was constantly thinking about having sex. But I’m not.

Most of the time when I’m talking about sex, it’s about science and sex. Sexual statistics, sexual facts that most people wouldn’t know, and every once and awhile, I’ll talk about my own sexuality. It just seems so odd to me that for as long as humans have been on earth, they’ve been having sex, and  yet those of us who talk about it, are frowned upon. Are dirty, perverted, sex addicts.

Hopefully one day, The Boyfriend (preferred) or someone else, will come somewhere close to the same level of sexual desire, or whatever you want to call what I feel, as I do. Because it’s beginning to be a lonely existence. I just want to be able to intelligently discuss sexuality, without the entire purpose being to have sex, with someone. I want someone to pass some sexual knowledge on to me, instead of me always passing on to them. I feel like a freak because I’m the only person I know with this particular interest, an interest that I can’t even completely define…

I’m feeling very turned on right now, not 100% sure why. I was sitting on the couch, watching Gilmore Girls (kind of going through a phase…), and suddenly I was turned on. I hate that The Boyfriend works night, because it would be nice to have him around for those moments, especially since it’s most likely to happen around about that time… The silence, you know 😉

Last night, The Boyfriend and I had an absolutely delightful night. He had had four nights off, and the first three nights we were both much too tired to do just about anything. Sleep was our main priority. Finally, the fourth night, we didn’t sleep. Well, eventually we did, but not originally 😉

When we started, I didn’t expect that it would carry on long at all. That we’d both probably get distracted and it would just be another make out session. I crawled on top of him on the couch and one thing led to another, and next thing I know, he’s grabbing my hips and literally making me ride him. I was bouncing up and down, and we were both erotically laughing as my head and hair bobbed all over the place. It was fun sex.

Then, we switched to me face down and him on top from behind, vaginally of course (my choice, not his)! He doesn’t know this completely, but I normally go to this position when I’m ready for him to cum, because I know it happens quickly. Whereas when I’m on top, sometimes it can take a really long time. And while I appreciate the hour(s) long sex, I am a Mom of four and when 3 AM rolls around, I start getting pretty worried about how little sleep I’m going to get…

He came fast, as I knew he would, and I hadn’t yet. I had had the flogger earlier in the night (with the intention of flogging him, though the making out started and the flogger kind of got dropped, literally), so while I played with myself, my ass got a nice little flogging. After what seemed like too long of playing and not cumming, I asked The Boyfriend to grab me the purple pussy vibrator.

The piece of crap (I really gotta replace that thing…) finally got used, after months of isolation beneath the night table in my room. It even got a fresh new battery in it. Man oh man, did it ever feel nice grinding against the vibrator as The Boyfriend rhythmically beat my ass with the flogger.

After he was done, he was saying my ass was really red and he could see some welting on the roundest part of my butt. I fell asleep before I looked in the mirror, and of course, the next morning, absolutely nothing. I so badly want a beating that leaves a mark. That hurts the next day when I sit down. That hurts more when it’s happening. We’ve agreed that we’re picking up something less vanilla the next time we get something.

We went out shopping the other day and hit one of our local bookstores. I came across “The Guide to Getting It On”, and was so happy to finally have an educational sex book, and not just erotica. I’ve always, for as long as I can remember, wanted a library filled with nothing but sex, medical and psychology books. Same with, I want a room with a display of decorative glass dildos. I know, what a shame not to use them, but I figure I’ll just buy everyone in a set of two! If only…

I haven’t really read anything but the BDSM section, of course 😉 I was wondering about something after reading it. The book describes a fetish as a reliance on a certain something to achieve arousal. And I know that’s like the medical definition of a fetish, but in the kinky world, is a fetish really like that? I say that I have a foot fetish, because I love love love feet. I think feet are erotic and sexy and upon looking at an extremely beautiful pair of feet, I feel passionate. But I don’t rely on feet (other than the fact that certain positions require them) to achieve arousal. Does that mean that it’s not a fetish then? And if it’s not a fetish, what is it?

I’ve always kind of considered a fetish to be something that you find erotic that “normal” society wouldn’t, like a foot or a food or a material. And I’ve always considered a paraphillia to be the reliance part. And I know that they’re basically one in the same, but I feel like one should sound like less of an abnormality than the other. That way those of us who can still get turned on without the object, aren’t put on the same list of those who can’t and those who “normal” society (and sometimes the person themselves) think need help. I know it sounds like I’m trying to put a label on something that has no need for a label in the first place, but I feel like if there were a separation between the two, fetishes would be more accepted. Assuming anyone agrees with the fetish/paraphillia separation.

I think The Boyfriend and I can officially start looking into going to munches again. The kids are all old enough now that they can safely be left with family, and formula has been bought, plus The Boyfriend is going down to part-time 😉

I’ve been craving some sort of interaction to this world that I keep getting pulled deeper and deeper into. My interests in it just keep expanding the more I experience. The thing that almost scares me, is how much more I want. Like with the floggings. After every flogging, I’m telling The Boyfriend to do it harder next time. Then he does, and I tell him to do it harder. Is it always going to be like this? Never gets hard enough…

It’s like safewords. I’ve never been even slightly close to using a safeword with The Boyfriend. I’ve never even said things like stop or don’t or no more. It’s always been a very manageable pain.

I hope one day I feel completely sexually fulfilled. I hope, before I die, I feel like I know who I am sexually, for sure. No questions about it. Does anyone out there feel completely satisfied with their sexuality?

So, I’ve been hard at work these last couple of days, writing and writing and writing The Brighton Tales over at The Erotica of a Tortured Mind. I’ve made it to the end of Chapter 5, and now I’m unsure where to go. There’s so many characters who could potentially carry on in the story in a variety of different ways, and now I’m not sure who I want to write about. Any suggestions? You can e-mail me, comment here, comment there, leave a suggestion in the suggestion box on the left sidebar on The Erotica of a Tortured Mind, or anywhere else you can contact me (and there’s too many to list here!).

It’s been pretty exhilarating writing this whole thing. I didn’t even really mean to, it pretty much just started testing out Blogger in Draft. It’s the first time I’ve ever written a story without thinking it through ahead of time. I’m just kind of letting the story take me wherever it takes me.

Nothing kinky has happened around here lately. The Boyfriend’s got an extra day off this week, so the outlook for Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday looks fun. He’s already got plans for using the bondage tape on me, and he keeps shaking his butt in front of me, and saying, “Wouldn’t you like to flog this?”. To which I quickly and excitedly reply, “Yes, please!!”

I see one of two things happening from the rather vanilla boyfriend (and I’m hoping that they don’t). Either:

  1. He’s gonna seem bored, much like he did until the bondage tape was removed from his wrists
  2. He’s gonna flinch about and give up before it even gets good, claiming that it hurts too much (Alfie used to do it all the time, even when I was being incredibly gentle. Probably because he just wasn’t that interested…)

So I’m hoping neither of those things will happen. I’m hoping instead that it gets him really turned on, I’m hoping that he’ll like it enough to want it more and more until he craves it as much as I do. I know, I’ve got high hopes 😉

Even if he decides he hates being beneath the flogger, I think I’ll be okay. As long as he still likes wielding the flogger, which I think he really does. I would rather live the rest of my life, submitting to a flogger, than not having any connection to BDSM. Even though my ultimate desire is to have someone submitting to me. But minor details, we’ll work that out later.

We also stopped by our local Wal-Mart’s family planning section, where you can get condoms and lubes and the dreaded yeast infection solutions. Even though it’s a small section, they had a pretty good selection of stuff. Flavored lubes, warming lubes, lubes that doubled as moisturizer (which is the only lube I own, and rarely ever use), ribbed condoms, twisted condoms. The one thing I didn’t see was a female condom, though I have no interest in using one of them.

I’m not even really interested in using regular condoms, hence the depo. But The Boyfriend seems to be showing interest in introducing condoms. I think part of it is fear that I’ll get pregnant again, and neither one of us want that anytime soon. We’ve both agreed when all the kids we currently have are in school (at least another 5 years), that we’ll try once more for a girl. But right now, it would just suck! I think the other part of it, is purely just thinking of changing it up, which I think is sweet.

So no participants in WTMFI Wednesdays yet. Hopefully that changes soon. If you have any questions, you’re more than welcome to contact me.

Last night, The Boyfriend and I pulled out the flogger for the second time. And, if you can believe it, this time was even better than the first time. After spending two days straight writing The Brighton Tales on The Erotica of a Tortured Mind, my mind was whirring with thoughts of sex and BDSM. So you can imagine my excitement when The Boyfriend decided to call in sick, just in case we got called up to the hospital to see my brother.

So after hours had passed, and I finally got off the computer, The Boyfriend grabbed the flogger from downstairs. I’ve been incredibly sore these last couple of days and have been having alot of problems with knees. I’ve been taking these anti-inflammatories that are supposed to help, but I don’t think they are. I almost think they’re making it worse.

It started with a playful ass rub (which I love getting. Apparently, I hold a large amount of stress in my ass muscles ;)) Then he started playing with the flogger. Time passed as he played with the flogger, gently tapping my ass with it, and I rolled onto my stomach.

The flogger started out as a foreplay to sex, and within minutes of gentle flogging, The Boyfriend was inside me. I left my hair down (which I almost never do), and it kept getting in my face. The Boyfriend kept trying to gather it, because he likes to pull on it.

After he came, I stayed laying on my stomach on the couch, and masturbated while he flogged me. He started off soft, and then slowly got harder and harder, until my skin was flaming beneath the flogging. I’d lift my foot, and he’d stop to rub my darkening ass, bending over and kissing it gently.

He was nailing a very nice figure eight, and the sensation was crazy, the sound of the whip whirring through the air. I was shaking so bad, and more than once came right to the brink of orgasm. Then he’d stop flogging and just gently brush the falls over my skin, the latex tickling my inner thighs. After a long time on my ass, to the point where it started turning purple, I asked him to move to my legs and try my thighs and calves.

It was obvious that he wasn’t as comfortable with the legs as he was with my ass, as he very gently hit my legs. He moved back to my ass and began doing a figure eight again, this time much harder and much faster. The harder and faster he went, the harder and faster I played with myself. Until finally, after probably close to half an hour of flogging, my muscles all contracted, my back arched and I experienced an incredible orgasm.

It seemed to last forever, and by the end of it, every limb of my body felt like al dente noodles. I laid limply for at least five minutes, trying my hardest to catch my breath. After looking at my ass, we were sure that today I would have a hard time sitting down and that I would have at least one bruise to show for it.

Today, after pulling an all-nighter after the flogging last night, there are no visible signs that a flogging ever happened. There’s no problems sitting down, then the problems that I already have sitting down thanks to my knees, back and hip.

I think The Boyfriend is much kinkier than he’s willing to admit. As he wielded that flogger with a great deal of skill, every single time, he’d get hard. This flogger was the best thing I ever bought!