Posts Tagged ‘blog’

He hasn’t watched porn in awhile. He claims it’s been since I sent him the nasty Facebook message (and that he has had no desire to do so), though I’m pretty positive last week someone watched porn, because the web history was deleted and the only time that gets done by the guy in my life is right after he watches porn.

And I hate that he’s put an effort in, and I just can’t freaking trust him at all on this matter. With everything else, I don’t have any trust issues. But with porn, I just always think he’s wanting to watch it and that he hates me because I’ve asked him not to. And it’s not like I expect him to never watch porn again, I just don’t want it to be this thing where he sneaks around behind my back, doesn’t ever tell me about it, and where he’s looking at what he looks at. I don’t want to constantly feel insecure because any day, he would rather look at Skanky McSkankerson, and hardly cares to look at me.

It pisses me off more than anything that he knows that I’m having all these image issues, and I don’t feel very comfortable talking about them. More than once, the conversation ends with, “You’ll have to read my blog!”, and I feel like he doesn’t care when he doesn’t read my blog, or even push me until I tell him what’s up. And I feel like his lack of sensitivity is making it all that much worse.

I absolutely don’t want this to be the reason we break up. My insecurities and hatred of him watching porn. But everytime that it upsets me, I just see exactly how it’s going to play out in the future. And I see both of us being completely unhappy for a really long time, and then one day, one of us (most likely him) will just wake up and say, “I’ve had enough of this!”, especially from him. It must suck to not be trusted when you haven’t done anything at all wrong.

I’m just despising the lack of communication about anything. I want so badly for him to tell me what it is about porn that keeps him watching it. I want for him to convince me that he never wishes he could have a busty, anorexic porn star, because he’s got the best, most beautiful girl in the world sitting right next to him. Everytime I think about him watching porn, the whole “I hope she’s not chunky” comment just repeats over and over again through my head, and I just think that there’s no way he could possibly be attracted to me. And it feels super super crappy. I think about him watching porn and I want to burst out into tears.

This morning, I had the opportunity to sleep in. Both of us have been incredibly exhausted lately, so sex has kind of gone on the back burner. So he gets up out of bed this morning and asks if I want to sleep in and I say sure. Most mornings, if I’m sleeping in, he’ll go grab all the kids out of their rooms and then come upstairs to give them breakfast. While this morning, he left the kids in their rooms and came upstairs. My first thought was, “He’s planning on watching porn!”. So I went and sent all the kids upstairs to try to hinder it before it happened.

A little bit after all the kids were upstairs, the house was incredibly warm, I decided I couldn’t sleep. He already had the internet hooked up to the PC, and I was like, “You were planning on watching porn this morning, eh?”, and like I usually do, I said it all joking style. I got a very lippy, “No actually, I was planning on playing Warcraft!” reply back. No sensitivity, no compassion, just made to feel worse for being this crazy bitch that I am. A couple minutes pass, and he pulls out the internet wire, throws it onto the ottoman. So instead of him playing Warcraft, I’m now blogging about my issues with stupid porn.

This is the thing that’s making it all so much worse right now. I’ve lost some weight. I don’t know how or why. Even though, I’m still having an issue with all my pants fitting (I think it’s my hips!), I’ve lost 3 inches around my waist. I personally, think it’s very noticeable, more so with my shirt off than on. Unless I’ve just finished eating, the pooch is getting smaller. When I look behind me, my ribs don’t pinch the fat in the middle of my back. When I lean forward, my boobs no longer have a place to rest. I even pointed it out to The Boyfriend the other day, to which I got no real response to.

Like, that’s another one of those things that is just so hard for me. Why can’t he just agree with me? I’m not saying he has to say nice things about me all the time, but when I’m saying nice things about myself, why can’t you just say something like, “You’re right” or “I’ve noticed that too” or anything that just makes it seem like he sees what I see, and I’m not just some loony laying on the couch next to him.

It sucks, because in so many areas lately, it’s been nothing but happiness between us. And I’m not saying that he’s not been saying nice things at all. It’s not like he’s some big meanie or anything. And it’s not like he intentionally is the way that he is. Not only is it his built in defense mechanism to not open up alot, it’s hard for him to express the feelings that he has. I don’t know why it is, because it’s not like he has a problem expressing emotion when it comes to writing a story. But to show that he has any emotions outside of happy and sad/mad, is pretty much impossible for him to do.

I think I’ve just been hyper-sensitive these last couple of days. And I don’t see it changing anytime soon. So everyday that passes and he doesn’t show an interest (and by an interest, I mean read) any of the blogs or websites in The Rantings Network, or that he doesn’t think to say super nice things to me after I’ve just degraded myself, the more sensitive I get, the more un-trusting I get, and the more upset I get. And I know exactly where it goes to after that, and I’m doing as much as I can to make sure that it doesn’t get there, and now I’m just waiting for him to do the same.

I wish that he’d just read my blog. But I think that he would take all of it wrong. I think that my words are easily misinterpreted, and I don’t see it because it’s my words and I understand them. I just wish he knew more what was going on inside my head about all this stuff, so that he could understand more what it’s like from my perspective. And I do not, under almost any circumstances, want to sit there and tell him because (a) it’s harder to explain and (b) it’s awkward and uncomfortable and so far my experience is that I never get the response I’m hoping for. At least in my blog, I describe in length exactly what I want him to say and how I want him to react. But I guess I’m just too mean to him in the blogosphere or something. I still don’t see it, but whatever…

For 15 weeks, I’ve been doing WTMFI Wednesdays (almost religiously), and I’ve gotten a few quick comments but no serious participants. This morning, I woke Β up and checked my e-mail, like every other morning, and I had a comment notification. I hopped on over to my blog to check it out, and imagine my excitement when it was a link to blog where someone had replied to WTMFI Wednesdays – Week 15: Sexting, where you’re asked some questions about technology and sex.

So the very first real reply to WTMFI Wednesdays comes from Screaming Violet, a horny housewife, a whore and a blogger (as her site states…). Check out her blog here, or follow her on Twitter.

Now it’s time for me to rant…

The list of insecurities I’m feeling seems to grow every single day lately. I think The Boyfriend is beginning to feel a little frustrated by it. He’ll say, “That shirt looks good on you.” and I’ll say, “Yeah, I have a mirror, and no it doesn’t” and then I roll my eyes at him. Today, I compared myself to a girl that he thought was much uglier than I. I hope it doesn’t ever become a problem.

If I really think about it, it already is. I don’t put myself out there or dress up and get sexy for him. I complain all the time that I’m not getting enough sex (which you’ll hear more about in a minute…), and then I don’t do anything to make him desire me. It’s kind of my own fault.

But it’s hard when I don’t feel like he really truly desires me sexually. On average in a month, he watches porn more than we have sex. And even though he’s got four nights off a week now, we tend to still only have sex once a week. And most times it seems like he’s avoiding it. We’ll stay up late playing games and/or on the computer and next thing we know 4 AM is rolling around and he’s too tired to keep his eyes open long enough for a goodnight kiss, let alone a goodnight romp.

I remembered today why I don’t ask him questions either. I hear the answers and then they just play over and over again in my mind. I ask what his fascination is with porn. He’s gotta know that the entire thing is bugging the heck out of me. If he hasn’t read my blog about it yet, I’ve been telling him almost everyday not to watch porn, today I told him I knew how much he’d been watching it. He said the sound of porn was fascinating to him. He uses headphones to listen. He probably wouldn’t watch it if he couldn’t hear it. It just keeps playing…

Then, I was so excited about the fire pit(s) and the munches, and the whole idea of going to them. And of course they have to be on days when The Boyfriend works. I don’t think he’s very comfortable with me proceeding on with the whole BDSM lifestyle without him. Especially being that he views it as something that precedes sex.

I’ve been thinking alot about looking into apprenticing under a professional Domme. It’s something that I’ve been interested in doing for years, and just never thought I actually could. It would also be really nice to get into some fetish modeling. Again, all things I don’t think The Boyfriend is 100% okay with.

I keep having this internal argument with myself over the whole thing. Sometimes I wanna be like screw The Boyfriend, if he can’t handle who I am, he can leave. His choice. But other times, I just can’t imagine living my life without him. I sometimes want to throw my hands up and sacrifice this dream that I’ve been chasing for almost ten years now. And every time I get my hopes up that this relationship will eventually transform into the sexual relationship that I’m craving for it to be, something happens that just reminds me that it probably won’t ever get there.

I’d be lucky to get sex more than once a week on a regular basis and not have to compete with porn all the time…

So yesterday was an odd type day. In the morning, The Boyfriend was kinda mad at me, for a variety of reasons, most of which he had complete rights to. He had posted a status to Facebook, which he only ever does when he wants me to know something’s up.

After spending almost the entire day in complete silence, not touching each other, I decided I was going to soak in a nice hot bath. Again, I’m reading Sadopaeidia (which I seem to go through every couple of baths), and The Boyfriend comes down to share a smoke. Guess who was naked?

Well, of course, I was! And so was he, except his socks – weirdo! After some gentle water rubbing (rather non-sexually), I pulled him into the bath with me (yes, he took off his socks…). And again, we successfully had bath tub sex in my tinsy tiny tub.

Bath tub sex is seriously fun. It’s awkward and uncomfortable, but in a way that you’re not afraid to laugh at it. The water feels nice swishing around you. And The Boyfriend kind of lifts me up with ease and it’s just a different kind of sex completely.

After the bath, things went from Woohoo to Ugh… I was all like, “Wow, I wasn’t expecting that. Especially with you being mad at me.” This sparked an entire conversation, that turned to a debate because I bitched about him posting a status on Facebook for everyone who doesn’t even know me, and his sister who does, to find out that he has a problem with our relationship before I do.

Of course, that got thrown back in my face real quick, being that on occasion, I’ve posted stuff on my blog about our relationship that I didn’t tell him previously. He was even able to name the exact post that his sister confronted him and asked what kind of problems we were having that I would write it.

So I’ve officially discovered why I don’t argue with The Boyfriend. And that’s because, he argues exactly like I do. He’s able to back up his argument, and doesn’t just talk out of his ass. And like I said earlier, he has every right to be upset, and I would think he was seriously psychotic if he wasn’t upset.

I keep having Alfie over after The Boyfriend goes to work, even though we agreed a long time ago that Alfie wouldn’t come over after The Boyfriend left. I don’t know why I keep doing it, especially being that I know it upsets The Boyfriend alot and I don’t want to cause him upset. I’m hoping eventually I can get it together and stop doing things that bother him, especially when I know that they bother him. First I think, I need to figure out why it is that I continue to do these things even when I know better.

So the good thing is, I got laid and we both got stuff off our chests!

Well my friends, I have been hard at work these last two days, and am sure I’m on way to writing a pretty decent little novel. So what have I been working so hard on? Wouldn’t you like to know…

Just kidding πŸ˜‰ This week, I learnt that Blogger now offers pages, which was the entire reason this blog was created with WordPress. I had used Blogger in the past for blogs that I never stuck with, and needed the use of pages for this blog. So, imagine my excitement upon finding out that Blogger offers pages!

I worked hard on getting on an old blog that I had started up and running. In a day, not only did I template search and html-ize the heck out of things, but I managed to write an extremely long post on my first day, followed up by an extremely long post written today.

The newest addition to The Rantings Network, The Erotica of a Tortured Mind hopes to offer quality BDSM and fetish erotica written by me πŸ˜‰ Also, I’m hoping to accept submissions, so if you’ve got an erotic story or poem you’d like to submit, please feel free to contact me.

That was the other thing I was working so hard on this weekend. The Rantings of a Tortured Mind – PG Edition has no about page, because I don’t know how to write about my rather mundane life. I’ve been contemplating for months how to fix this problem, and as I searched through free templates on btemplates.com, I found the perfect solution.

If you ever want to contact me, or ever want to know more about me (sans images), the best place on the entire web to go to is my new Visiting Card. With a list of all the social networking sites I’m a part of, an about page and my contact information, this site is your go to contact page. Or you can use the information (which is the same) on the contact page of this site.

I look forward to seeing some submissions, and hopefully it will be more than the two Brighton Tales I’ve written already.

So, this upcoming Wednesday (March 17th, 2010) for WTMFI Wednesdays, the format will be changing just a little bit. We’re gonna start a series called “Erotic Inspirations”. In this series, I’ll give you five words and your mission is to write something erotic using those five words.

It can be erotica, poetry, a picture that somehow utilizes the five words. It can just be a regular normal post for you that includes the five words. Whatever you’d like to write, however much you’d like to write, or whatever format you’d like to use. I thought it would be a good idea to put up a list of great erotic reading sites. So here they are!

  • Literotica.com
    Literotica has a wide selection of all different types of reading. You can submit your own stories or read other people’s. They have stories, poems, writer collaborated stories, and erotic audio files.
  • Lusty Library
    I haven’t done much browsing of this site, but upon first look, it lays out really well. Basically the same as Literotica (though better looking), it includes everything from straight to lesbian, vanilla to kinky and many more kinds of stories.
  • SexTails
    Easy navigation, lots of great stories on almost everything you can imagine.
  • Lush Stories
    A community where you can post, read and comment on erotic stories.

So, I hope that those sites can provide you with some inspiration before WTMFI Wednesdays on the 17th. Also, check out this great site for some image inspiration πŸ˜‰

I thought that this would be a perfect time to ask anyone with an erotica blog or site to post a link in the comments section, or e-mail with me and I’ll post them on the sidebar. If anyone thinks that starting an Erotic Inspirations or something sort of like it, apart from WTMFI Wednesdays, is a good idea, tell me in the comments or e-mail me and let me know what you think.

And since we’re discussing blog type things, I figure I’ll post this now. On April 17th at 7:00 PM, I will be hosting an Idea Exchange chat for all the blogs and sites in The Rantings Network. It was originally meant just for The Art Of…, but then ideas expanded and changed and WTMFI Wednesdays was born, and I figured it would be great to get input on all of the sites and blogs.

You can check out The Rantings of a Tortured Mind – XXX Rated Calendar to find out about past and upcoming posts. Here’s the chat room, though I don’t expect that you would find anyone in there, except for maybe when the scheduled chats are (I know I’ll be there!). You can always RSVP to events on the calendar, leave me a comment, or e-mail me at anytime that you’d like.

UnpredictableAngel13@hotmail.com

Woo! Today was a good day, in the blogging sense. I officially hit the 20 visitor mark!!! It only took me three weeks, and almost no promotion whatsoever, to reach my first XXX Rated Rantings milestone. Thanks to all who are reading.

So I found out an interesting tidbit today. The Boyfriend has been secretly reading Sadopaeidia by Anonymous – my current favourite erotic novel. His favourite part is my favourite part too. I’ve been reading his Forgotten Realms by R.A. Salvatore books for months now, and I’ve expressed extreme interest in him reading one of my erotic books for a year and a half. So I was pretty excited when he said he’s been reading at least one of them. I knew leaving them in the bathroom would eventually work πŸ˜‰

The Boyfriend has been nothing but a tease these last two days. It’s his days off, normally days we have sex. Yesterday, there was alot of talk about how that night was going to be a sex night, and then sadly, he fell asleep while I was breastfeeding. Today has been the worst, and it’s made worse by the fact that I know that it’s just teasing.

First, he’s sitting on the couch with my hairbrush and he starts slapping it against his leg covered in denim jeans. The sound was truly exhilarating, this sharp thuddy sound. I made him stop that one really quickly. Then, he bought himself a belt with these little studs on it. He’s walking around the house with his shirt off, and the belt was glimmering and I said that it could potentially be fun. Then he goes and tells me he’s been reading my erotica. How much do you want to bet that he’ll fall asleep before I’m done breastfeeding again?

You know, it wouldn’t bother me at all, if he said to me that he was denying sex for some reason, or if he said that I was being punished. But not having sex, just because we’re not, is killing me. The only times in my life that I go this long without sex is when I’m single or when I’m pregnant. And I’m neither of those things!

Life has been pretty stressful these last couple of weeks, and my desire for an emotional release through pleasurable pain is through the roof. After almost two years of not, I broke down the other day at the height of my stress – every trigger was being pressed – and gave myself two little cuts. I had forgotten what it was like…

So someone awhile back, found my blog by searching “audio to masturbate to” – probably found it since it was the same week as WTMFI Wednesdays: Week 2 – Masturbation. And it got me thinking about good music to masturbate to. Being that I often masturbate in the bathtub (when I do masturbate, which isn’t very often), I don’t normally listen to music. Though I totally would!

I would imagine that music that you have sex to is good for listening to when you masturbate. It also really depends on what you’re into musically in the first place. Someone whose into heavy metal wouldn’t necessarily be turned on by Mozart’s “Moonlight Sonota” (which Steve-O and Sandy have sex to while on acid in SLC Punk, one of my all time favourite movies!!), whereas someone who is into more of a dark rock type sound, might be turned on by Nine Inch Nails’ “Discipline”. Some people would enjoy Britney Spears’ “I’ve got that Boom Boom” or maybe Justin Timberlake ft. Ciara with “Love, Sex, Magic”. It really depends on your taste in music, your mood for that moment, and the type of atmosphere you’re trying to create for yourself.

Another thing to consider is your visualization skills. If you’re good at visualizing things on your own, without porn or erotica, then pretty much any music would work. If, on the other hand, you have a hard time visualizing things and need porn or erotica, then you’re music should attempt to match the type of stimulation you’re using. For instance, if you’re watching alot of anal stuff, or reading about it or looking at it or whatever you’re doing with the ass area in general, I would definitely say these are 10 songs that should be on your masturbation playlist:

(NOTE: The average man only lasts 2 – 6 minutes, so only 2 or 3 of these songs would be needed for a session)

  • Bubba Sparx – Ms. New Booty
  • Ludacris ft. Shawna – How Low Can You Go
  • Destiny’s Child – Bootylicious
  • Queen – Fat Bottomed Girls
  • Kelis – Milkshake
  • Mindless Self Indulgence – Ultrasex (Not necessarily just for anal;))
  • Mystikal – Shake Your Ass
  • Sean Paul – Shake That Thing
  • Ying Yang Twins – Ass Cheeks on my White Tee
  • Chamillionaire – Grown and Sexy

Man, I need to get my ID so that I can go out dancing again. I miss the days of skanky dancing. I don’t really get the chance to be much of a sexual deviant at all in my house. My 5-year-old would pick up on it too much. When I showed an interest in belly dancing, guess who learnt how to do figure eights before me!! So imagine what would it be like if I was dropping it like it was hot on a regular basis around her.

I don’t even know if I’d still know how to move it like I used to. I haven’t been dancing in almost three years!!! I can’t believe it’s been that long… I used to just go dancing when I was pregnant all the time. I was the only pregnant girl out on the dancefloor! Hopefully by the end of the year, I’ll be able to go dancing, because I miss it so much!!

I’ve been teasing The Boyfriend with a dirty dance for months now. I just want to wait until I tone up more. I wouldn’t, under almost any circumstance, put me in the fat category. I’m still in single digits in dress and pant size, and I’m in the perfect weight range for my height and age. But I have had four kids, and my body is absolutely not what it used to be – especially not what it was back in the days of skanky dancing. Maybe one day πŸ˜‰

I’ve read alot on FetLife about leash dances, and I think that would be so erotic. If one day, The Boyfriend put a collar around my neck with a leash attached, and hung the leash up using a hook of some sort and instructed me to dance for him, I think I probably would. And I would probably play Chamillionaire’s “Grown and Sexy” or Kelis’ “Milkshake”.

Well here’s hopping that soon the XXX Rated Rantings starts getting some comments and I’ll be looking forward to the 30 visitor mark!!! What’s some music that you enjoy listening to when you’re masturbating or having sex?

I’ve been working really hard today on various blog stuff, mostly getting The Art Of... up and running. I’ve decided to set up a different blog for it, since I felt like I couldn’t get the flexibility I desired out of presenting it solely as a series here on The XXX Rated Rantings. I’m hoping to have my first lesson posted by the end of this month, though the research is killing me.

I spent probably close to three hours today, going through definitions on Wikipedia and looking for more beginner type information. I figure for the first couple of lessons, I’ll take more of a beginners focus and carry it onwards from there. I don’t think that I have the authority to really write about advanced BDSM techniques and activities, when I myself am still just a mere newbie.

It wasn’t supposed to be like this either. I figured after Alfie and I broke up, that I would spend at least a year just experimenting with my sexuality. Experiencing more BDSM and kink. Especially being that I haven’t really gotten to experience BDSM anywhere near the degree that I’d like to be experiencing it at. But then I met The Boyfriend, and he’s not kinky really at all, but he’s too amazing for me to just pass up. Plus, he’s always shown a hidden interest in the more kinky.

Before I got pregnant, and up until about my 5th or 6th month, we had gotten into spanking quite a bit. Had a couple really intense sessions. My favourite one, which we even have pictures from, I got all dressed up and put on some make up (which doesn’t happen nearly as often as I wish it did). The Boyfriend had me lean over the ottoman in the living room, and it was just such an amazing experience.

I had been asking him for months to use a hairbrush as a spanking tool. I wanted to feel the harsh, thuddy impact and then feel the bristles of the brush dragged along the redness. The Boyfriend made it even better by grabbing an ice cube and melting all over the spots he had spanked and then dragging the bristles across my skin. I had such a hard time staying still.

Since I had my last, we’ve only had one sex session which involved spanking, and it was so mild, you could technically call it love taps or sex taps. Not a real spanking. I’ve been craving one so bad too. I’d love for him to spank me and call me a dirty whore, but he says he won’t ever call me something that’s “disrespectful”. I just laugh hysterically every time he says it.

The thing that sucks most about doing all this research about BDSM, is I really realize what I’m missing out on. I’m so jealous of the people that get to live in this lifestyle 24/7 or even just casually on weekends. I want to be one of those people. I’m determined that one day I will be. Though I can’t even know that for sure, maybe in reality, I’m not actually into BDSM. Just into the idea of it.

One thing that I’ve always been interested in receiving as a submissive is sort of behaviour modification, if you will. I would like rules about the way I am to conduct my day and myself. I would like a punishment if I sleep in past a certain time, or don’t have breakfast made by a certain time. I would like workouts and healthy eating to be part of my rules. I would like to have someone to be accountable to, other than myself. I think it would be very powerful, and I think my life would change dramatically.

Today, I did a 20 minute workout on my Wii Your Shape game. The whole time, I kept thinking, I would be much more motivated to do this workout if I knew that if I didn’t, I would have consequences. Such as, The Boyfriend teases me all day and then denies me orgasm because I didn’t complete my workout, or didn’t give 100% or whatever the stipulations that we agree upon are.

I think, once I’ve got breast feeding a little more under control, and have some sort of pumping schedule, I’m gonna start going to munches again. The last time The Boyfriend and I went, it truly sparked his interest. That night, all I heard about was how much he thought the idea of tying me up was arousing. It helped that everyone at the munch was so excepting and eager to teach the “vanilla” boyfriend. I think that really made him feel comfortable and more willing to learn than I could’ve ever made him.

And trust me, I had tried alot prior to the munch. I would leave websites for him to look at, I would search for interesting pictures and show them to him, I would try to read erotica to him. He never really showed interest until that first munch. After that, I would literally say “I want a spanking” and I would get one. Now, it’s hard to just get vanilla sex, which is a little disappointing.

I wish I could learn everything I wanted to know, in one spot, without having to spend hours and hours searching to find it. I mean, there’s just so much about sex and sexuality and BDSM and fetishes that I want to know more about. I suppose a really smart person would probably tell me that I won’t learn half of the things that I really want to know, until I myself experience it. It’s much like having sex. People can tell you a thousand times about their experiences with sex, and the medical parts of sex. Yet, it’s never what you expect it to be.

Well I think that’s all I have to write today. Maybe again tomorrow? We’ll see!