Posts Tagged ‘Communication’

He hasn’t watched porn in awhile. He claims it’s been since I sent him the nasty Facebook message (and that he has had no desire to do so), though I’m pretty positive last week someone watched porn, because the web history was deleted and the only time that gets done by the guy in my life is right after he watches porn.

And I hate that he’s put an effort in, and I just can’t freaking trust him at all on this matter. With everything else, I don’t have any trust issues. But with porn, I just always think he’s wanting to watch it and that he hates me because I’ve asked him not to. And it’s not like I expect him to never watch porn again, I just don’t want it to be this thing where he sneaks around behind my back, doesn’t ever tell me about it, and where he’s looking at what he looks at. I don’t want to constantly feel insecure because any day, he would rather look at Skanky McSkankerson, and hardly cares to look at me.

It pisses me off more than anything that he knows that I’m having all these image issues, and I don’t feel very comfortable talking about them. More than once, the conversation ends with, “You’ll have to read my blog!”, and I feel like he doesn’t care when he doesn’t read my blog, or even push me until I tell him what’s up. And I feel like his lack of sensitivity is making it all that much worse.

I absolutely don’t want this to be the reason we break up. My insecurities and hatred of him watching porn. But everytime that it upsets me, I just see exactly how it’s going to play out in the future. And I see both of us being completely unhappy for a really long time, and then one day, one of us (most likely him) will just wake up and say, “I’ve had enough of this!”, especially from him. It must suck to not be trusted when you haven’t done anything at all wrong.

I’m just despising the lack of communication about anything. I want so badly for him to tell me what it is about porn that keeps him watching it. I want for him to convince me that he never wishes he could have a busty, anorexic porn star, because he’s got the best, most beautiful girl in the world sitting right next to him. Everytime I think about him watching porn, the whole “I hope she’s not chunky” comment just repeats over and over again through my head, and I just think that there’s no way he could possibly be attracted to me. And it feels super super crappy. I think about him watching porn and I want to burst out into tears.

This morning, I had the opportunity to sleep in. Both of us have been incredibly exhausted lately, so sex has kind of gone on the back burner. So he gets up out of bed this morning and asks if I want to sleep in and I say sure. Most mornings, if I’m sleeping in, he’ll go grab all the kids out of their rooms and then come upstairs to give them breakfast. While this morning, he left the kids in their rooms and came upstairs. My first thought was, “He’s planning on watching porn!”. So I went and sent all the kids upstairs to try to hinder it before it happened.

A little bit after all the kids were upstairs, the house was incredibly warm, I decided I couldn’t sleep. He already had the internet hooked up to the PC, and I was like, “You were planning on watching porn this morning, eh?”, and like I usually do, I said it all joking style. I got a very lippy, “No actually, I was planning on playing Warcraft!” reply back. No sensitivity, no compassion, just made to feel worse for being this crazy bitch that I am. A couple minutes pass, and he pulls out the internet wire, throws it onto the ottoman. So instead of him playing Warcraft, I’m now blogging about my issues with stupid porn.

This is the thing that’s making it all so much worse right now. I’ve lost some weight. I don’t know how or why. Even though, I’m still having an issue with all my pants fitting (I think it’s my hips!), I’ve lost 3 inches around my waist. I personally, think it’s very noticeable, more so with my shirt off than on. Unless I’ve just finished eating, the pooch is getting smaller. When I look behind me, my ribs don’t pinch the fat in the middle of my back. When I lean forward, my boobs no longer have a place to rest. I even pointed it out to The Boyfriend the other day, to which I got no real response to.

Like, that’s another one of those things that is just so hard for me. Why can’t he just agree with me? I’m not saying he has to say nice things about me all the time, but when I’m saying nice things about myself, why can’t you just say something like, “You’re right” or “I’ve noticed that too” or anything that just makes it seem like he sees what I see, and I’m not just some loony laying on the couch next to him.

It sucks, because in so many areas lately, it’s been nothing but happiness between us. And I’m not saying that he’s not been saying nice things at all. It’s not like he’s some big meanie or anything. And it’s not like he intentionally is the way that he is. Not only is it his built in defense mechanism to not open up alot, it’s hard for him to express the feelings that he has. I don’t know why it is, because it’s not like he has a problem expressing emotion when it comes to writing a story. But to show that he has any emotions outside of happy and sad/mad, is pretty much impossible for him to do.

I think I’ve just been hyper-sensitive these last couple of days. And I don’t see it changing anytime soon. So everyday that passes and he doesn’t show an interest (and by an interest, I mean read) any of the blogs or websites in The Rantings Network, or that he doesn’t think to say super nice things to me after I’ve just degraded myself, the more sensitive I get, the more un-trusting I get, and the more upset I get. And I know exactly where it goes to after that, and I’m doing as much as I can to make sure that it doesn’t get there, and now I’m just waiting for him to do the same.

I wish that he’d just read my blog. But I think that he would take all of it wrong. I think that my words are easily misinterpreted, and I don’t see it because it’s my words and I understand them. I just wish he knew more what was going on inside my head about all this stuff, so that he could understand more what it’s like from my perspective. And I do not, under almost any circumstances, want to sit there and tell him because (a) it’s harder to explain and (b) it’s awkward and uncomfortable and so far my experience is that I never get the response I’m hoping for. At least in my blog, I describe in length exactly what I want him to say and how I want him to react. But I guess I’m just too mean to him in the blogosphere or something. I still don’t see it, but whatever…

Last night, The Boyfriend and I were so lucky. My Mom took the kids overnight, and we got to go out, just the two of us. It rarely happens, so you can imagine the relief we both felt.

I had mentioned a fire pit event that I was interested in going to, hosted by BUD for the Bodies Under Domination group of FetLife. His was also the first munch I ever successfully attended. There was also a munch today that I was hoping to go to, but no babysitter unfortunately.

The Boyfriend basically said that it would be cool to go, but made no strides in doing so. Yesterday, we went to the exercise park with the kids and my Mom came outside with us, so without even consulting The Boyfriend, I just asked if she would watch the kids so that I could go to the fire pit. I had made the decision by that point that I was going, regardless of his decision.

But then, he seemed excited about it and we spent the next two hours rushing around getting the kids and ourselves ready to go. Then we went out to the fire pit. There was only two others there besides The Boyfriend and I. But it ended up working out so much in our favor that it didn’t even matter.

After sitting out at the fire pit, just shooting the shit, we got into my favorite parts of the conversation. One thing lead to another, and one of the people is pulling out a bag of toys. So we head inside, set up a table, and lay out a huge duffle bag full of toys.

From long 24″ leather floggers, to crops and canes and even shoes and over-sized fly swatter, I just sat mesmerized. Both The Boyfriend and I were just staring in amazement at the delights that laid before us. Then came the touching. Each toy was picked up, carefully inspected. After I was done looking at anything, I’d hand it to The Boyfriend, and he’d inspect it.

Then I asked a question about flogging, and next thing you know, guy with bag is standing there while BUD shows me on him how to do some basic flogging swings. Then, the most exciting part happened. BUD tells me, just try to hit him with it. I had picked out a 24″ Red and Black Leather flogger. I was incredibly nervous.

This person wasn’t my boyfriend, I had just met him that night, and I was so flustered and giddy. But I got a few good swings in (very gentle swings, but good technique), and it was a very good educational experience. I learnt ALOT!!!! Then I got to try out this really awesome slapper that The Boyfriend and I are both seriously wanting.

The Boyfriend stood in the background, carefully watching me. I was so nervous that he’d be upset that I was flogging someone else, and I didn’t even think to ask him if he was okay with it until I had already started. When we left, he said that he just felt very excited for me. I felt very excited too.

After some practicing with the flogger, and getting tons of really usefully tips, and playing with a slapper, we went back out to the pit and talked some more. Then The Boyfriend came home. The night, from that point on, was filled with more communication than I ever think we’ve experienced together.

On the way home, we mostly talked about the entire experience of the night. He shared what he thought and felt, and I just kept thinking that he sounded so into it. Then I asked, completely outright without any type of insecurity involved, if I looked good wielding a big flogger, to which I got a speedy “Yes”.

So we stopped at one of The Boyfriend’s friends houses, and a Chris Rock special was on the Comedy Network. He was telling a joke about once a guy has sex that he likes, he always wants his sex like that. Something to do with girls licking anus‘. To which The Boyfriend’s friend was overwhelming disgusted. This friend and I are both very stubborn people. I’m stubborn in my open-mindedness and acceptance of thing, and he’s stubborn in his close-mindedness. So we get into a mini argument about why he wouldn’t even consider letting a girl go anywhere near his ass.

So on the remainder of the drive home, The Boyfriend and I were mostly talking about anal play with males. I’m kind of known for being that girl that introduces guys to that whole thing. With every boyfriend I’ve had up to this point in my life, I’m the one that suggests a finger in the ass for them, and I’m the one to do it. I even have an entire technique and system.

And it’s not like I’m some pervert obsessed with ass play type deal. It is purely this rule that I have about sexual acts in general. You can’t ever say that you don’t like something without trying it first. Anatomically, the male G-spot is against his prostate gland, which can only be accessed via perineum stimulation and anal penetration. I haven’t personally found my own G-spot, but if it feels as good as people say it does, than why would anyone not want to experience it?

The trick is to warm a guy up to it. And they sure as hell aren’t going to let you do it to them, if they don’t get to do it to you. This may be completely different for older people, in a kinkier world. But in my young, mostly vanilla world, you have to receive to be allowed to give, and vice versa.

I tend to love to play with balls, it’s just one of my things. Balls and pre-cum, I can’t get enough of it. I’d probably make a pretty good guy 😉 So when I decide that we’re finally at a point in the relationship, where he trusts me with his body (basically, if he’ll let you tie him up or cover his eyes, then you’re probably okay to give it a try), I’ll begin playing with his balls. I’ll reach as low as I can, and take both balls in my hands. Slowly I make my way to his perineum, just very gently touching it.

Then you apply a little bit of pressure. It’s always great in that area to keep your finger flat against his perineum, that way there’s less of a chance of scratching anything with nails. Generally, it’s a very gradual thing. I think once you decide that you really want to get a finger in your boyfriend’s butt, you should take your time and slowly build up to it. You don’t want him freaking out about it, and telling you know. You’d rather him tell you that he’s ready for it. This could take a couple of days, a couple of months or years.

Guys that I know and have successfully penetrated anally, are normally not into the idea of it at all. Prior to meeting me, they had never really had a desire to have anything in their anus. Exit only type of people. Most times, I don’t ask them or discuss it with them, I just ease them into the idea of it with simple techniques until eventually they grab the lube an ask for it themselves.

It normally takes me a minimum of three serious “I’m into it” sessions, before the big first penetration session. He’s oblivious to the fact that I have any interest in it. So the first time, I grab his balls and lift them up, just gently running the flat of my finger from the bottom of his balls to his perineum just a little bit and very gently. The next session, I’ll rub his balls and slowly move until my finger is mostly on his perineum, gently rubbing in a circular motion. On the third time, I cover his entire perineum with my finger, and as I rub in a circular motion, I gently dip the tip of my finger just where it’s touching his anus. Do that a few more times, and soon after that, it will be when you least expect it, he’ll whisper in your ear and next thing you know, you’ll be gently working your way into his anus.

My top rules are always always always use lube. There is never a time when you enter someone’s anus that you shouldn’t be using lube. The anus has no natural lubrication, and the friction can cause tearing, which can cause even more problems. Another rule is to go very gently to start out with. You don’t want the person to clench up and potentially tear or cause other damage.

So far, I have found two very specific things to do that seems to be of great enjoyment, though would love any suggestions if you have any. As I’m normally on the bottom, and he’s normally on top, and we’re normally having sex at the point of penetration, I can really only give suggestions on that position, though I’m sure if you mixed it up more you could do some other great things.

When he’s pumping in and out of me quickly, I tend to just flick my finger back and forth. Then when he slows, gently pulling my finger back and forth. I try to never let my finger come out of his ass, because I know from my own anal explorations that once it’s out it’s very hard for me to get to the point where I’m okay with it going back in. Also the closer you get to the outside of his anus, the more he’s going to tighten up, and again you don’t want to be pushing back inside him while he’s all clenched. So just slow and gentle movements. When he wants it harder, he’ll push against your finger. I don’t even think they do it on purpose, I think it’s just the bodies reaction to it.

I wasn’t planning on going off about that so much… But it was basically what I told The Boyfriend. I’m the vanilla male anal breaker 😉

So after hours of communicating, talking about what we both seem to like and dislike about various aspects of BDSM, story-telling and more, we had planned to play games, but then everything just ended up turning sexual.

We had sex with the lights on for the first time in months! I felt incredibly uncomfortable, but at the same time I was so excited about the fact that I could be as noisy as I wanted, that I hardly even noticed. My favorite thing about having the light on, is I could tell every single time he looked at me. I’ve always loved that about sex. That exchange. I feel like we connect on a very deep level when we’re fucking each other, and then just slow down and stare into each others eyes. Even when we’re having rough, crazy, dirty sex it feels so intimate and passionate.

After what felt like a long time, but was less than 30 minutes, The Boyfriend came and once we cleaned up a little, it was my turn to cum. He was rubbing my legs as I rhythmically played with my clit. After awhile of this he finally put his finger in my pussy, and within seconds I was cumming, my entire body clenching frantically. We fell asleep almost immediately after that, him holding me and me holding him.

Last night was an incredible night. From the amazing, educational fire pit, to the intimate and loud sex, I can’t wait for more nights like that!

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These last couple of days has been completely unsatisfying. From lack of communication to sex that ends badly, it’s just been a series of days that makes me want to cry.

After reaching my breaking point with the whole porn thing, I wrote The Boyfriend a message bitching about it on Facebook while he was at work, since apparently we can’t talk in person. Not a single response back, not on Facebook, not in real life, nothing. So the first two or three days he was home on days off, we pretty much sat in silent. When we did talk, it was about video games or movies that are coming out.

Then we had sex. I had said I wasn’t going to until he talked to me about some of the shit that I’ve been complaining about. But when you have him next to you, it’s very very hard to resist temptation. The sex was good for the most part. I didn’t get off, even though I tried really hard, and then after we were done he rolled over and fell asleep. Things stayed kind of awkward, but less silent.

Then we went to a family gathering two days ago, even though on many levels I didn’t want to. My brother showed up here, and The Boyfriend says to me that he’s not allowed to come with us. And I was completely crushed. I hate how we can be involved with each other’s families, but god forbid our families be involved with each other. Especially if they’re in a mental institution. I just don’t get it some days. Don’t really feel like bitching much about it. But it was also cold and windy out and I’ve been in this state of not liking the state of our relationship, and I don’t want to go around making it seem to everyone else like we’re okay. I did that with Alfie all the time, and it just feels like you’re completely lying.

So we finish there and come home and decide we’re going to pick up the 3rd season of Gilmore Girls so that we’d have something to watch. He missed work last night, and as we’re watching TV, I reach over to put my hand on his leg, end up touching cock instead. While I went from not even thinking about sex (I know, surprise!), to wanting him so bad.

It was really great sex. As it almost always is. Lately afterwards though, I feel so deflated and wrong. I don’t even really know how to explain exactly how I feel. I’ve noticed that unless I go into detail about what I liked about the sex, we don’t talk about it at all. The last couple of times, I’ve just sat silently afterwards waiting for him to say something that makes me feel good about what we’ve just done. The most I’ve gotten was, “That was amazing!”. And while in man land, that may be an acceptable answer, in Valerie Land, I need so much more than that.

I just want someone who will pay half as much attention to me as I do to them. Will remember some little detail of a story that I told them once in passing, and when I talk about it again they’ll be able to say, “I’ve heard this already” or someone who notices my neck is hurting because I’m turning my entire body instead of just my head. Someone who will notice I’m having a crappy day and will try to be comforting instead of just giving me the silent treatment. I don’t think I’ll ever be able to find a person who cares about me as much as I care about them. I don’t think I’m ever going to find Mr./Mrs. Right. I’ll probably spend my entire life finding alot of Mr./Mrs. Almost Rights, but nothing that is ever going to truly and completely fill my happiness/satisfaction meter.

I think I just seriously need to orgasm. Two times in the last little while, I’ve been brought very close. Incredibly close. And two times, I haven’t gotten off. Add that on top of my previous sexually frustrated self, and I’m literally a time bomb just waiting to go off.

Well, here’s to the start of another set of days off. Hopefully this week is better than all the last. As long as he doesn’t watch porn (or at least, covers it up better), then we should all be good. I hate that I’m like that…

So I was clicking around on my FetLife groups today, and I stumbled across this post, which discusses when you should cut your partner out of rope bondage. Reading through it, all these people are commenting on the Dominants responsibility to constantly be checking for signs of distress in the submissive.

Seanchai comments:

There’s little more frustrating than a bottom who, trying to respect their top, doesn’t speak up when something is mildly irritating, only for it to become a major “oh god cut the rope NOW” problem once you’ve got twenty or thirty feet of rope around them.

And I’m just thinking, it sure sounds like submissive’s are almost given excuses to not communicate effectively. Personally, if I were ever in a situation with another person, where they basically hold my life and safety in their hands, I would communicate everything and if they didn’t like it, then they’re not a very good Top for me.

This whole topic makes me think about sexual communication in general. Why is it that, even though we’ve been having sex since the beginning of time, it’s still one of the hardest things for people to talk about comfortably?

I’m the type of person whose communicating constantly about sex. It probably gets annoying for everyone else around me. And it’s most important for me during sex. I’ll speak up the second anything doesn’t feel right, and The Boyfriend and I will spend a good half hour after every sex session, recounting the  things we liked and didn’t like.

What’s more surprising to me, is that, with how good I am at communication and sex, I’m pretty crappy with communication and day-to-day life. I think it’s because life always hurts and is always uncomfortable and awkward. There’s always something about life… I can communicate that pain in my ass, a thousand and one times in a minute, and it’s not going to change the fact that it’s still a pain in my ass.

There’s no EMT scissors to cut me out of awkward situations, there’s no pulling out when shit gets to deep. All the aftercare in the world isn’t going to change the fact that tomorrow will be (and if it’s not tomorrow, the day will come) another crappy day without the hand of a Top to save you. Sadness…

Well maybe we can add this to a list of goals then. First, be a responsible and safe submissive. Second, get as good at communicating about day-to-day life as you do about sex. And thirdly, start reading more discussions in the BDSM Mentors Group (which I don’t usually do…).