Posts Tagged ‘FetLife’

It’s only about a month away before we start doing FetLife Fridays here on The Rantings of a Tortured Mind – XXX Rated Edition. Every week (on Friday), we’ll be featuring the best content from around the quickly evolving social networking site for kinksters by kinksters.

If you haven’t joined FetLife yet, you should! Unlike many of the social networking sites geared towards those of us who are kinky, this site is not meant for hooking up. It’s meant for support, friendship, and education.

I’ve started a group on FetLife called The Rantings Network and we’re getting prepared for the first FetLife Fridays (scheduled for September 3rd, 2010). We’re discussing aftercare. So join us in discussing why we should be using aftercare, how we should be using it, when we should be using it and what it really means.

Then join us here on September 3rd, 2010 and find out what the kinksters on FetLife think about aftercare. Also view featured groups and more related to aftercare. Hope you enjoy!

Join FetLife Today!

So I had this idea today, as I was surfing around FetLife today, which is at least a weekly occurrence (more if someone comments on my pictures/writings/status updates or sends me a message). And I started thinking that it would be cool to post all my favorite things from FetLife to a blog or to FetLife.

So my question to you is, how many of my readers actually use FetLife? If you do, what do you think of putting all my favorite FetLife content up on this blog as like a weekly special? If you don’t use FetLife, well, why aren’t you on FetLife?

Leave me your comments or e-mail me at I’ll also be posting this question on Twitter, so you can leave me your answers there as well.

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Yes, sadly, I am one of those fools who follows things like gut instincts and looks for signs to make decisions about things. Not about everyday things, mostly about things to do with me personally.

When The Boyfriend and I first got together, it was a sign to me that within days of starting to date, I was writing songs like they were going out of style. Yesterday, another one of these signs came along, and it was further confirmed tonight, so I think this month is going to be an exciting month.

I got a personal invite to a fire pit on FetLife. Unfortunately, it was extremely short notice and when you’ve got four kids, everything requires at least 24 hour notice. But luckily, the last one went so good that they’re holding another one right away. I replied back with a “Sorry I didn’t make it”, and got invited to the next fire pit and the upcoming munch.

This is my entire problem with anything BDSM-related though, especially where community is concerned. First of all, I don’t feel like I belong there. I hardly participate in BDSM at home, let alone outside of the house. Second, it seems to be more and more of a struggle to get The Boyfriend truly interested in this whole thing. I can’t even really say that though, because it’s not that he’s not interested.

He’ll find things, like K-Nex pieces, and decide they’d make awesome whipping toys. Every once and awhile he’ll say something or describe a scenario that is extremely kinky. Rarely does he ever follow through on anything.

Until I get better acquainted with my local scene, I want to always be going with someone I know. And since I don’t really know the people in my local scene, I’d really like for my boyfriend to tag along with me. But I don’t want him there if it’s not something that truly interests him.

Plus, everything seems to land on days when he works. And while I’m sure, if I asked him to, he’d miss sleep to be able to participate, again don’t really want to be dragging him along.

The other day, I was going off about sex to The Boyfriend, as I usually do. He said something along the lines of, “Sometimes you scare me”, and that’s been sticking with me pretty hard these last couple of days. He didn’t mean it, or at least he claims he didn’t mean it, in the “your sexuality scares me” kind of way, he’s more worried that he’s not going to satisfy my sexual needs and I’ll go off and find someone who will. But it’s not the first time someone’s said that particular thing to me, and not meant that I was going to off cheating on them.

It sucks that I hardly have sex, but that my sexuality scares people just because I like it rougher than most. I hate that it scares people that I’m constantly thinking about sex. I could understand it more if I was more perverted about it. Like if I was constantly thinking about having sex. But I’m not.

Most of the time when I’m talking about sex, it’s about science and sex. Sexual statistics, sexual facts that most people wouldn’t know, and every once and awhile, I’ll talk about my own sexuality. It just seems so odd to me that for as long as humans have been on earth, they’ve been having sex, and  yet those of us who talk about it, are frowned upon. Are dirty, perverted, sex addicts.

Hopefully one day, The Boyfriend (preferred) or someone else, will come somewhere close to the same level of sexual desire, or whatever you want to call what I feel, as I do. Because it’s beginning to be a lonely existence. I just want to be able to intelligently discuss sexuality, without the entire purpose being to have sex, with someone. I want someone to pass some sexual knowledge on to me, instead of me always passing on to them. I feel like a freak because I’m the only person I know with this particular interest, an interest that I can’t even completely define…

I originally posted this on FetLife, but thought I might also get some answers or support here.

So I was going through my web history today, looking for a site I had visited awhile back and forgot to bookmark. As I’m flipping back pages, I find that The Boyfriend has been looking at porn. Three days this week. I don’t know how and I don’t know when, since the only time he’s awake and I’m not is when the kids are all awake, and he better not be watching or looking at porn while my kids are around him… I don’t think he would.

What I don’t get is why it bothers me so freaking much. I watch porn, I’m a watcher of porn. I long to be in porn. And yet it boils my blood when I find out that my boyfriend watches porn. And it’s not just The Boyfriend, it’s been every boyfriend I’ve ever had.

And it’s not like this huge insecurity issue for me. I used to think it was, but now I just don’t care about that aspect. I’ve come to terms with the fact that there’s hotter chicks in the world than me, and even then, he seems to like the “teen” stuff quite a bit, so most of the girls just look awkward. Nice bodies, ugly faces. But that’s not my issue with it.

I’m not worried about him watching it, and if I were there, I probably wouldn’t care at all. Maybe it’s the fact that I don’t masturbate or watch porn by myself very often, so I’m like jealous that he pleasures himself sexually. But I don’t think that’s it either.

It’s seriously so retarded. Logically, I know that it’s not like porn is this huge deal for most guys. It’s really not. It’s some visual stimulation, some audio, some great motivation. I know, or at least I’m pretty sure that I know, that he’s not looking at all these girls, wishing that I looked like them or acted like them. I’m pretty darn positive that we are both pretty happy with the way each other has sex. And I’ve never had anyone even come close to complaining about the way I am during sex. I’m a rather confident sexual person.

But I see that someone’s been looking at porn on the computer, and I know that it could only be him, and I know that he did it while I’m in the house (because I’m never freaking out of the house!!!), and I literally just bubble with rage and I start to cry even though I don’t want to, and I feel like such an idiot for being angry about something that I myself find erotic. Can someone please explain what the hell is going on here?!?!?!?!?

The night before last, The Boyfriend finally used the bondage tape on me. He seemed to have a much more luck with the tape then when I tried it out. He artfully wrapped my wrists together and then connected them to the bed so that my arms were together and over my head.

You’d think with all my image issues, that laying there, completely exposed and naked, would’ve made me helpless and out of control and vulnerable. Alas, it did no such thing. I still felt like I had complete control of the situation (even after he bound my feet together), I felt empowered and sexy and desirable. And while all that is great and good, I wanted to feel that weakness and vulnerability.

Ever since that night, it’s all I can think about. In day-to-day life, I have to be so in control of everything. In control of the kids, in control of the cleaning, in control of the money, so in control… Back in the day, I would’ve just been happy with that.

A friend on FetLife today, asked if I’d had any luck dominating The Boyfriend and I remembered the last time I attempted to dominate him and felt completely uncomfortable. I almost felt more vulnerable topping him. It got me thinking though about whether or not I actually desire to dominate The Boyfriend.

I’m so naturally submissive to him sexually. Even though, I’m normally a take control type of girl in the bedroom, and usually am the one initiating everything. With him, I crave his approval and am constantly thinking of pleasing him (not only sexually, but in other areas – even though I’m not very good at it), and it just seems that submission is the best course.

When I think about it, I desire to submit to him more than I desire to dominate him. I just wish I could feel less in control with him, during sexual things mostly. I wish that I had defined limitation for him to break, though currently I’ve got such an, “I’m open to anything” attitude, that it makes it very hard for him.

I think after the better majority of our life is under more control (mostly finances), I’m gonna seriously start pushing for us to create some sort of defined relationship type dealy. We’ve both shown great interest in the idea of punishments and rewards, and I think it would be a great motivator for me to accomplish some of the goals that I’ve put out for myself this year.

I’ve told him that I think it would be cool if we had set rules, like for instance, at a certain time everyday I have to do a workout (and since he’s always said he wants to be my personal trainer, he can choose the exercises), and if I don’t, I get punished with something that I wouldn’t like. Preferably something humiliating. Or that all the dishes have to be done and put away, or I’ll be forced to do something like, the dishes naked or clean the toilet with a toothbrush or stand in the corner or something.

I think I’m just mostly determined to take the only-for-foreplay thing out of the parts of our sex life that excite me the most. It’s something I really want to try 24/7, not 15 minutes once a week!

The Boyfriend and I were taking some foot pictures last night. I’ve posted all of them to FetLife, and got some comments on old pictures (reminding me of their existence). So I figured, since I haven’t yet, that I’d share my favourite foot photos with you. These are pictures taken over the last year or so. Hope you enjoy them 😉 Comments are more than welcome!

Also, if you have a FetLife account, check out this post that I wrote today 😉

So I was clicking around on my FetLife groups today, and I stumbled across this post, which discusses when you should cut your partner out of rope bondage. Reading through it, all these people are commenting on the Dominants responsibility to constantly be checking for signs of distress in the submissive.

Seanchai comments:

There’s little more frustrating than a bottom who, trying to respect their top, doesn’t speak up when something is mildly irritating, only for it to become a major “oh god cut the rope NOW” problem once you’ve got twenty or thirty feet of rope around them.

And I’m just thinking, it sure sounds like submissive’s are almost given excuses to not communicate effectively. Personally, if I were ever in a situation with another person, where they basically hold my life and safety in their hands, I would communicate everything and if they didn’t like it, then they’re not a very good Top for me.

This whole topic makes me think about sexual communication in general. Why is it that, even though we’ve been having sex since the beginning of time, it’s still one of the hardest things for people to talk about comfortably?

I’m the type of person whose communicating constantly about sex. It probably gets annoying for everyone else around me. And it’s most important for me during sex. I’ll speak up the second anything doesn’t feel right, and The Boyfriend and I will spend a good half hour after every sex session, recounting the  things we liked and didn’t like.

What’s more surprising to me, is that, with how good I am at communication and sex, I’m pretty crappy with communication and day-to-day life. I think it’s because life always hurts and is always uncomfortable and awkward. There’s always something about life… I can communicate that pain in my ass, a thousand and one times in a minute, and it’s not going to change the fact that it’s still a pain in my ass.

There’s no EMT scissors to cut me out of awkward situations, there’s no pulling out when shit gets to deep. All the aftercare in the world isn’t going to change the fact that tomorrow will be (and if it’s not tomorrow, the day will come) another crappy day without the hand of a Top to save you. Sadness…

Well maybe we can add this to a list of goals then. First, be a responsible and safe submissive. Second, get as good at communicating about day-to-day life as you do about sex. And thirdly, start reading more discussions in the BDSM Mentors Group (which I don’t usually do…).