Posts Tagged ‘Gilmore Girls’

These last couple of days has been completely unsatisfying. From lack of communication to sex that ends badly, it’s just been a series of days that makes me want to cry.

After reaching my breaking point with the whole porn thing, I wrote The Boyfriend a message bitching about it on Facebook while he was at work, since apparently we can’t talk in person. Not a single response back, not on Facebook, not in real life, nothing. So the first two or three days he was home on days off, we pretty much sat in silent. When we did talk, it was about video games or movies that are coming out.

Then we had sex. I had said I wasn’t going to until he talked to me about some of the shit that I’ve been complaining about. But when you have him next to you, it’s very very hard to resist temptation. The sex was good for the most part. I didn’t get off, even though I tried really hard, and then after we were done he rolled over and fell asleep. Things stayed kind of awkward, but less silent.

Then we went to a family gathering two days ago, even though on many levels I didn’t want to. My brother showed up here, and The Boyfriend says to me that he’s not allowed to come with us. And I was completely crushed. I hate how we can be involved with each other’s families, but god forbid our families be involved with each other. Especially if they’re in a mental institution. I just don’t get it some days. Don’t really feel like bitching much about it. But it was also cold and windy out and I’ve been in this state of not liking the state of our relationship, and I don’t want to go around making it seem to everyone else like we’re okay. I did that with Alfie all the time, and it just feels like you’re completely lying.

So we finish there and come home and decide we’re going to pick up the 3rd season of Gilmore Girls so that we’d have something to watch. He missed work last night, and as we’re watching TV, I reach over to put my hand on his leg, end up touching cock instead. While I went from not even thinking about sex (I know, surprise!), to wanting him so bad.

It was really great sex. As it almost always is. Lately afterwards though, I feel so deflated and wrong. I don’t even really know how to explain exactly how I feel. I’ve noticed that unless I go into detail about what I liked about the sex, we don’t talk about it at all. The last couple of times, I’ve just sat silently afterwards waiting for him to say something that makes me feel good about what we’ve just done. The most I’ve gotten was, “That was amazing!”. And while in man land, that may be an acceptable answer, in Valerie Land, I need so much more than that.

I just want someone who will pay half as much attention to me as I do to them. Will remember some little detail of a story that I told them once in passing, and when I talk about it again they’ll be able to say, “I’ve heard this already” or someone who notices my neck is hurting because I’m turning my entire body instead of just my head. Someone who will notice I’m having a crappy day and will try to be comforting instead of just giving me the silent treatment. I don’t think I’ll ever be able to find a person who cares about me as much as I care about them. I don’t think I’m ever going to find Mr./Mrs. Right. I’ll probably spend my entire life finding alot of Mr./Mrs. Almost Rights, but nothing that is ever going to truly and completely fill my happiness/satisfaction meter.

I think I just seriously need to orgasm. Two times in the last little while, I’ve been brought very close. Incredibly close. And two times, I haven’t gotten off. Add that on top of my previous sexually frustrated self, and I’m literally a time bomb just waiting to go off.

Well, here’s to the start of another set of days off. Hopefully this week is better than all the last. As long as he doesn’t watch porn (or at least, covers it up better), then we should all be good. I hate that I’m like that…

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I’m feeling very turned on right now, not 100% sure why. I was sitting on the couch, watching Gilmore Girls (kind of going through a phase…), and suddenly I was turned on. I hate that The Boyfriend works night, because it would be nice to have him around for those moments, especially since it’s most likely to happen around about that time… The silence, you know 😉

Last night, The Boyfriend and I had an absolutely delightful night. He had had four nights off, and the first three nights we were both much too tired to do just about anything. Sleep was our main priority. Finally, the fourth night, we didn’t sleep. Well, eventually we did, but not originally 😉

When we started, I didn’t expect that it would carry on long at all. That we’d both probably get distracted and it would just be another make out session. I crawled on top of him on the couch and one thing led to another, and next thing I know, he’s grabbing my hips and literally making me ride him. I was bouncing up and down, and we were both erotically laughing as my head and hair bobbed all over the place. It was fun sex.

Then, we switched to me face down and him on top from behind, vaginally of course (my choice, not his)! He doesn’t know this completely, but I normally go to this position when I’m ready for him to cum, because I know it happens quickly. Whereas when I’m on top, sometimes it can take a really long time. And while I appreciate the hour(s) long sex, I am a Mom of four and when 3 AM rolls around, I start getting pretty worried about how little sleep I’m going to get…

He came fast, as I knew he would, and I hadn’t yet. I had had the flogger earlier in the night (with the intention of flogging him, though the making out started and the flogger kind of got dropped, literally), so while I played with myself, my ass got a nice little flogging. After what seemed like too long of playing and not cumming, I asked The Boyfriend to grab me the purple pussy vibrator.

The piece of crap (I really gotta replace that thing…) finally got used, after months of isolation beneath the night table in my room. It even got a fresh new battery in it. Man oh man, did it ever feel nice grinding against the vibrator as The Boyfriend rhythmically beat my ass with the flogger.

After he was done, he was saying my ass was really red and he could see some welting on the roundest part of my butt. I fell asleep before I looked in the mirror, and of course, the next morning, absolutely nothing. I so badly want a beating that leaves a mark. That hurts the next day when I sit down. That hurts more when it’s happening. We’ve agreed that we’re picking up something less vanilla the next time we get something.

We went out shopping the other day and hit one of our local bookstores. I came across “The Guide to Getting It On”, and was so happy to finally have an educational sex book, and not just erotica. I’ve always, for as long as I can remember, wanted a library filled with nothing but sex, medical and psychology books. Same with, I want a room with a display of decorative glass dildos. I know, what a shame not to use them, but I figure I’ll just buy everyone in a set of two! If only…

I haven’t really read anything but the BDSM section, of course 😉 I was wondering about something after reading it. The book describes a fetish as a reliance on a certain something to achieve arousal. And I know that’s like the medical definition of a fetish, but in the kinky world, is a fetish really like that? I say that I have a foot fetish, because I love love love feet. I think feet are erotic and sexy and upon looking at an extremely beautiful pair of feet, I feel passionate. But I don’t rely on feet (other than the fact that certain positions require them) to achieve arousal. Does that mean that it’s not a fetish then? And if it’s not a fetish, what is it?

I’ve always kind of considered a fetish to be something that you find erotic that “normal” society wouldn’t, like a foot or a food or a material. And I’ve always considered a paraphillia to be the reliance part. And I know that they’re basically one in the same, but I feel like one should sound like less of an abnormality than the other. That way those of us who can still get turned on without the object, aren’t put on the same list of those who can’t and those who “normal” society (and sometimes the person themselves) think need help. I know it sounds like I’m trying to put a label on something that has no need for a label in the first place, but I feel like if there were a separation between the two, fetishes would be more accepted. Assuming anyone agrees with the fetish/paraphillia separation.

I think The Boyfriend and I can officially start looking into going to munches again. The kids are all old enough now that they can safely be left with family, and formula has been bought, plus The Boyfriend is going down to part-time 😉

I’ve been craving some sort of interaction to this world that I keep getting pulled deeper and deeper into. My interests in it just keep expanding the more I experience. The thing that almost scares me, is how much more I want. Like with the floggings. After every flogging, I’m telling The Boyfriend to do it harder next time. Then he does, and I tell him to do it harder. Is it always going to be like this? Never gets hard enough…

It’s like safewords. I’ve never been even slightly close to using a safeword with The Boyfriend. I’ve never even said things like stop or don’t or no more. It’s always been a very manageable pain.

I hope one day I feel completely sexually fulfilled. I hope, before I die, I feel like I know who I am sexually, for sure. No questions about it. Does anyone out there feel completely satisfied with their sexuality?