Posts Tagged ‘Munch’

For 15 weeks, I’ve been doing WTMFI Wednesdays (almost religiously), and I’ve gotten a few quick comments but no serious participants. This morning, I woke  up and checked my e-mail, like every other morning, and I had a comment notification. I hopped on over to my blog to check it out, and imagine my excitement when it was a link to blog where someone had replied to WTMFI Wednesdays – Week 15: Sexting, where you’re asked some questions about technology and sex.

So the very first real reply to WTMFI Wednesdays comes from Screaming Violet, a horny housewife, a whore and a blogger (as her site states…). Check out her blog here, or follow her on Twitter.

Now it’s time for me to rant…

The list of insecurities I’m feeling seems to grow every single day lately. I think The Boyfriend is beginning to feel a little frustrated by it. He’ll say, “That shirt looks good on you.” and I’ll say, “Yeah, I have a mirror, and no it doesn’t” and then I roll my eyes at him. Today, I compared myself to a girl that he thought was much uglier than I. I hope it doesn’t ever become a problem.

If I really think about it, it already is. I don’t put myself out there or dress up and get sexy for him. I complain all the time that I’m not getting enough sex (which you’ll hear more about in a minute…), and then I don’t do anything to make him desire me. It’s kind of my own fault.

But it’s hard when I don’t feel like he really truly desires me sexually. On average in a month, he watches porn more than we have sex. And even though he’s got four nights off a week now, we tend to still only have sex once a week. And most times it seems like he’s avoiding it. We’ll stay up late playing games and/or on the computer and next thing we know 4 AM is rolling around and he’s too tired to keep his eyes open long enough for a goodnight kiss, let alone a goodnight romp.

I remembered today why I don’t ask him questions either. I hear the answers and then they just play over and over again in my mind. I ask what his fascination is with porn. He’s gotta know that the entire thing is bugging the heck out of me. If he hasn’t read my blog about it yet, I’ve been telling him almost everyday not to watch porn, today I told him I knew how much he’d been watching it. He said the sound of porn was fascinating to him. He uses headphones to listen. He probably wouldn’t watch it if he couldn’t hear it. It just keeps playing…

Then, I was so excited about the fire pit(s) and the munches, and the whole idea of going to them. And of course they have to be on days when The Boyfriend works. I don’t think he’s very comfortable with me proceeding on with the whole BDSM lifestyle without him. Especially being that he views it as something that precedes sex.

I’ve been thinking alot about looking into apprenticing under a professional Domme. It’s something that I’ve been interested in doing for years, and just never thought I actually could. It would also be really nice to get into some fetish modeling. Again, all things I don’t think The Boyfriend is 100% okay with.

I keep having this internal argument with myself over the whole thing. Sometimes I wanna be like screw The Boyfriend, if he can’t handle who I am, he can leave. His choice. But other times, I just can’t imagine living my life without him. I sometimes want to throw my hands up and sacrifice this dream that I’ve been chasing for almost ten years now. And every time I get my hopes up that this relationship will eventually transform into the sexual relationship that I’m craving for it to be, something happens that just reminds me that it probably won’t ever get there.

I’d be lucky to get sex more than once a week on a regular basis and not have to compete with porn all the time…

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I don’t want to start this post with “Last night…”, but I can’t seem to find any other way that seems appropriate for what I’m about to go into. So, last night… What was that movie from the 90’s with Kirsten Dunst? Crazy Beautiful, was it? That was what my experience was last night.

The night started with playful spankings, that didn’t seem like they were going to get any more serious than what they were. Everyone was still awake, it was more of like a love tap, if you will. After it was just us awake, everything changed.

I had been lazing around in a bra and a pair of jeans, because my house for some reason is incredibly warm. But then The Boyfriend asked if I’d go change into something a little shorter, so he could rub my legs, supposedly his favorite part of my body. I’m not one who really likes to show off a lot of skin. If it wasn’t for the fact that I was boiling hot, rarely would you catch me showing off my stomach!!

So even though the playful spankings earlier in the night, and the rubbing of the legs had totally started to show on my underwear, my insecurities tried to cock block me. The Boyfriend gets me to turn to face him (originally I was laying down on my stomach), and immediately I just started thinking over and over again, “He’s gonna think you’re fat! He’s gonna think you’re ugly!”.

He pulls the pillow that I was using as my stomach shield off, pulls me in close and gives me a deep, passionate, amazing kiss. Literally, in the moment of a kiss, I felt my insecurities fade. It was as if his lips took me out of my mind and into my body. I no longer thought, I just felt.

My plan was to spend awhile teasing him until I had become satisfied with some sort of impact, whether it be spanking or him going to get the flogger. After a bunch of making out, a thousand more amazing kisses, and some smacking and forceful grabbing, I could no longer hold off.

After what seemed like a really long time of me being on top of him, I knelt on the couch ready for him to take me from behind. I had my head resting on the back of the couch, supported by only my chin. And my fingers were eagerly between my legs. My skirt covered most of my ass, and my legs were spread wide as he pounded me from behind.

After he came, I stayed in the same position, playing with myself as he spanked me. Seriously spanked me. Carefully slapping my sit spot, hard and fast. My ass was stinging, my pussy was swollen, my body was drenched in sweat. My toes pointed vigorously as a few blows fell in quick succession and I flinched away from them.

I erupted into an intense, muscle-tightening orgasm. My legs went from bent flat on the couch, to pointed straight up towards my head. My body pushed down, and I felt like I wasn’t even there. Just my convulsing orgasm. It seemed so much bigger and greater than me.

I felt weak and dizzy and sore and incredibly enlightened by the whole experience. Sadly, aftercare doesn’t seem to be part of sexual dictionary yet. Because even though it had some hardcore impact elements, it was treated like every other night of sex. Smoke and then bed. Even when we got in bed, The Boyfriend passed out the second his head hit the pillow, and he wasn’t even cuddling me.

The whole thing was amazing, but I really feel like I could’ve used some cuddling and some reassurance that I did good. Maybe rubbing my sore red ass, or telling me how much fun it was. I wanted to collapse into someone’s arms, because that’s what I felt like doing.

I haven’t completely talked to The Boyfriend about the fire pit or the munch this month either. He saw the post-it note that I wrote all the information on, and I told him about the personal invite, but I haven’t yet said I want to go. I’m kind of hoping he’ll be like, “I noticed you had some stuff written down, did you want to go to it?” and then I’d be all like, “Kinda. Do you?” and then in a perfect world, he’d be all like, “Yeah, I would love to go. I’ll make sure I don’t work that night.” and blam, it would be done.

I just hate constantly feeling like I’m trying to convert him. Because I don’t want to change who he is, especially not sexually. If it’s not him, I don’t want him to feel pressured to do it.

Yes, sadly, I am one of those fools who follows things like gut instincts and looks for signs to make decisions about things. Not about everyday things, mostly about things to do with me personally.

When The Boyfriend and I first got together, it was a sign to me that within days of starting to date, I was writing songs like they were going out of style. Yesterday, another one of these signs came along, and it was further confirmed tonight, so I think this month is going to be an exciting month.

I got a personal invite to a fire pit on FetLife. Unfortunately, it was extremely short notice and when you’ve got four kids, everything requires at least 24 hour notice. But luckily, the last one went so good that they’re holding another one right away. I replied back with a “Sorry I didn’t make it”, and got invited to the next fire pit and the upcoming munch.

This is my entire problem with anything BDSM-related though, especially where community is concerned. First of all, I don’t feel like I belong there. I hardly participate in BDSM at home, let alone outside of the house. Second, it seems to be more and more of a struggle to get The Boyfriend truly interested in this whole thing. I can’t even really say that though, because it’s not that he’s not interested.

He’ll find things, like K-Nex pieces, and decide they’d make awesome whipping toys. Every once and awhile he’ll say something or describe a scenario that is extremely kinky. Rarely does he ever follow through on anything.

Until I get better acquainted with my local scene, I want to always be going with someone I know. And since I don’t really know the people in my local scene, I’d really like for my boyfriend to tag along with me. But I don’t want him there if it’s not something that truly interests him.

Plus, everything seems to land on days when he works. And while I’m sure, if I asked him to, he’d miss sleep to be able to participate, again don’t really want to be dragging him along.

The other day, I was going off about sex to The Boyfriend, as I usually do. He said something along the lines of, “Sometimes you scare me”, and that’s been sticking with me pretty hard these last couple of days. He didn’t mean it, or at least he claims he didn’t mean it, in the “your sexuality scares me” kind of way, he’s more worried that he’s not going to satisfy my sexual needs and I’ll go off and find someone who will. But it’s not the first time someone’s said that particular thing to me, and not meant that I was going to off cheating on them.

It sucks that I hardly have sex, but that my sexuality scares people just because I like it rougher than most. I hate that it scares people that I’m constantly thinking about sex. I could understand it more if I was more perverted about it. Like if I was constantly thinking about having sex. But I’m not.

Most of the time when I’m talking about sex, it’s about science and sex. Sexual statistics, sexual facts that most people wouldn’t know, and every once and awhile, I’ll talk about my own sexuality. It just seems so odd to me that for as long as humans have been on earth, they’ve been having sex, and  yet those of us who talk about it, are frowned upon. Are dirty, perverted, sex addicts.

Hopefully one day, The Boyfriend (preferred) or someone else, will come somewhere close to the same level of sexual desire, or whatever you want to call what I feel, as I do. Because it’s beginning to be a lonely existence. I just want to be able to intelligently discuss sexuality, without the entire purpose being to have sex, with someone. I want someone to pass some sexual knowledge on to me, instead of me always passing on to them. I feel like a freak because I’m the only person I know with this particular interest, an interest that I can’t even completely define…

I’m feeling very turned on right now, not 100% sure why. I was sitting on the couch, watching Gilmore Girls (kind of going through a phase…), and suddenly I was turned on. I hate that The Boyfriend works night, because it would be nice to have him around for those moments, especially since it’s most likely to happen around about that time… The silence, you know 😉

Last night, The Boyfriend and I had an absolutely delightful night. He had had four nights off, and the first three nights we were both much too tired to do just about anything. Sleep was our main priority. Finally, the fourth night, we didn’t sleep. Well, eventually we did, but not originally 😉

When we started, I didn’t expect that it would carry on long at all. That we’d both probably get distracted and it would just be another make out session. I crawled on top of him on the couch and one thing led to another, and next thing I know, he’s grabbing my hips and literally making me ride him. I was bouncing up and down, and we were both erotically laughing as my head and hair bobbed all over the place. It was fun sex.

Then, we switched to me face down and him on top from behind, vaginally of course (my choice, not his)! He doesn’t know this completely, but I normally go to this position when I’m ready for him to cum, because I know it happens quickly. Whereas when I’m on top, sometimes it can take a really long time. And while I appreciate the hour(s) long sex, I am a Mom of four and when 3 AM rolls around, I start getting pretty worried about how little sleep I’m going to get…

He came fast, as I knew he would, and I hadn’t yet. I had had the flogger earlier in the night (with the intention of flogging him, though the making out started and the flogger kind of got dropped, literally), so while I played with myself, my ass got a nice little flogging. After what seemed like too long of playing and not cumming, I asked The Boyfriend to grab me the purple pussy vibrator.

The piece of crap (I really gotta replace that thing…) finally got used, after months of isolation beneath the night table in my room. It even got a fresh new battery in it. Man oh man, did it ever feel nice grinding against the vibrator as The Boyfriend rhythmically beat my ass with the flogger.

After he was done, he was saying my ass was really red and he could see some welting on the roundest part of my butt. I fell asleep before I looked in the mirror, and of course, the next morning, absolutely nothing. I so badly want a beating that leaves a mark. That hurts the next day when I sit down. That hurts more when it’s happening. We’ve agreed that we’re picking up something less vanilla the next time we get something.

We went out shopping the other day and hit one of our local bookstores. I came across “The Guide to Getting It On”, and was so happy to finally have an educational sex book, and not just erotica. I’ve always, for as long as I can remember, wanted a library filled with nothing but sex, medical and psychology books. Same with, I want a room with a display of decorative glass dildos. I know, what a shame not to use them, but I figure I’ll just buy everyone in a set of two! If only…

I haven’t really read anything but the BDSM section, of course 😉 I was wondering about something after reading it. The book describes a fetish as a reliance on a certain something to achieve arousal. And I know that’s like the medical definition of a fetish, but in the kinky world, is a fetish really like that? I say that I have a foot fetish, because I love love love feet. I think feet are erotic and sexy and upon looking at an extremely beautiful pair of feet, I feel passionate. But I don’t rely on feet (other than the fact that certain positions require them) to achieve arousal. Does that mean that it’s not a fetish then? And if it’s not a fetish, what is it?

I’ve always kind of considered a fetish to be something that you find erotic that “normal” society wouldn’t, like a foot or a food or a material. And I’ve always considered a paraphillia to be the reliance part. And I know that they’re basically one in the same, but I feel like one should sound like less of an abnormality than the other. That way those of us who can still get turned on without the object, aren’t put on the same list of those who can’t and those who “normal” society (and sometimes the person themselves) think need help. I know it sounds like I’m trying to put a label on something that has no need for a label in the first place, but I feel like if there were a separation between the two, fetishes would be more accepted. Assuming anyone agrees with the fetish/paraphillia separation.

I think The Boyfriend and I can officially start looking into going to munches again. The kids are all old enough now that they can safely be left with family, and formula has been bought, plus The Boyfriend is going down to part-time 😉

I’ve been craving some sort of interaction to this world that I keep getting pulled deeper and deeper into. My interests in it just keep expanding the more I experience. The thing that almost scares me, is how much more I want. Like with the floggings. After every flogging, I’m telling The Boyfriend to do it harder next time. Then he does, and I tell him to do it harder. Is it always going to be like this? Never gets hard enough…

It’s like safewords. I’ve never been even slightly close to using a safeword with The Boyfriend. I’ve never even said things like stop or don’t or no more. It’s always been a very manageable pain.

I hope one day I feel completely sexually fulfilled. I hope, before I die, I feel like I know who I am sexually, for sure. No questions about it. Does anyone out there feel completely satisfied with their sexuality?

For the last two days, all I’ve been thinking about is paddles. I was doing the dishes the other day, and I was thinking about The Rantings Network and all the things I want to do with it. I suddenly remembered about the one and only munch I’ve been to, and B.U.D’s idea of a ping pong paddle covered in sandpaper. Ever since that, I’ve had paddles on the mind.

I’ve never used a paddle before, but I can imagine what it would feel like and more importantly what it would sound like. I think the stinginess of it would be so hot.

I’ve also been fantasizing about inspection scenarios. I shaved the other day, and that got me thinking about how hot it would be to have to shave a certain way, and then have consequences if I didn’t. It’d be incredibly sexy for The Boyfriend to put me in some humiliating position, and check me out and demand that I appear for his approval. Most of my day seems to consist of fantasizing about sexual things.

I’m hoping The Boyfriend and I’s sex life evens out soon. It keeps being extremely long lengths of time between when we have sex, and it’s becoming harder and harder to stay sane. It’s so hard with him working graveyards, and having four kids running around constantly, and having a brother and ex-boyfriend who are almost always here.

Luckily, The Boyfriend has a week off of working for his birthday starting Saturday. So hopefully I’ll get my fill, so to speak 😉 I told The Boyfriend the other day, that I was tempted to send him to an adult store to pick us up a toy or two.

I have a vibrator, but it was one that I got from my ex from out of a vending machine in a bar. It’s just a tiny one, and it’s not exactly the best. I mean, it does it’s job, but I want a new one. And then I really want him to get a paddle or whip or restraints or something more kinky than a vibrator. I would just go without him, but I don’t have my ID. I need to work on getting that!

I need to start going to munches again too. Which means I need to get the youngest on bottles (instead of the boob), and I need to get a babysitter. You know what I really want to go to, because I think it would be one of those experiences that I brag about for the rest of my life? I really want to go to a play party. We have them here, and I know the people that put them on. I’ve never gone, though I really really want to. I don’t know so much if I’d participate my first time, but I sure would observe the heck out of things.

So I know that it’s not for awhile yet, but I wanted to shamelessly promote a Scheduled Chat for The Art Of… and The Art Of… Academy. On April 17th, 2010,  The Rantings Network will be hosting an Idea Exchange. Feel free to join in the conversation and have your say about what happens on the various sites and blogs in The Rantings Network, with a focus on The Art Of… and The Art Of… Academy lessons. The goal is to launch our first lesson on July 1st, 2010. You can find more information about this chat on The Rantings Network Headquarters.

Well that’s all I have to write about tonight. Hopefully in two or three nights, you’ll get joyous “I just got laid” posts 😉

I’ve been working really hard today on various blog stuff, mostly getting The Art Of... up and running. I’ve decided to set up a different blog for it, since I felt like I couldn’t get the flexibility I desired out of presenting it solely as a series here on The XXX Rated Rantings. I’m hoping to have my first lesson posted by the end of this month, though the research is killing me.

I spent probably close to three hours today, going through definitions on Wikipedia and looking for more beginner type information. I figure for the first couple of lessons, I’ll take more of a beginners focus and carry it onwards from there. I don’t think that I have the authority to really write about advanced BDSM techniques and activities, when I myself am still just a mere newbie.

It wasn’t supposed to be like this either. I figured after Alfie and I broke up, that I would spend at least a year just experimenting with my sexuality. Experiencing more BDSM and kink. Especially being that I haven’t really gotten to experience BDSM anywhere near the degree that I’d like to be experiencing it at. But then I met The Boyfriend, and he’s not kinky really at all, but he’s too amazing for me to just pass up. Plus, he’s always shown a hidden interest in the more kinky.

Before I got pregnant, and up until about my 5th or 6th month, we had gotten into spanking quite a bit. Had a couple really intense sessions. My favourite one, which we even have pictures from, I got all dressed up and put on some make up (which doesn’t happen nearly as often as I wish it did). The Boyfriend had me lean over the ottoman in the living room, and it was just such an amazing experience.

I had been asking him for months to use a hairbrush as a spanking tool. I wanted to feel the harsh, thuddy impact and then feel the bristles of the brush dragged along the redness. The Boyfriend made it even better by grabbing an ice cube and melting all over the spots he had spanked and then dragging the bristles across my skin. I had such a hard time staying still.

Since I had my last, we’ve only had one sex session which involved spanking, and it was so mild, you could technically call it love taps or sex taps. Not a real spanking. I’ve been craving one so bad too. I’d love for him to spank me and call me a dirty whore, but he says he won’t ever call me something that’s “disrespectful”. I just laugh hysterically every time he says it.

The thing that sucks most about doing all this research about BDSM, is I really realize what I’m missing out on. I’m so jealous of the people that get to live in this lifestyle 24/7 or even just casually on weekends. I want to be one of those people. I’m determined that one day I will be. Though I can’t even know that for sure, maybe in reality, I’m not actually into BDSM. Just into the idea of it.

One thing that I’ve always been interested in receiving as a submissive is sort of behaviour modification, if you will. I would like rules about the way I am to conduct my day and myself. I would like a punishment if I sleep in past a certain time, or don’t have breakfast made by a certain time. I would like workouts and healthy eating to be part of my rules. I would like to have someone to be accountable to, other than myself. I think it would be very powerful, and I think my life would change dramatically.

Today, I did a 20 minute workout on my Wii Your Shape game. The whole time, I kept thinking, I would be much more motivated to do this workout if I knew that if I didn’t, I would have consequences. Such as, The Boyfriend teases me all day and then denies me orgasm because I didn’t complete my workout, or didn’t give 100% or whatever the stipulations that we agree upon are.

I think, once I’ve got breast feeding a little more under control, and have some sort of pumping schedule, I’m gonna start going to munches again. The last time The Boyfriend and I went, it truly sparked his interest. That night, all I heard about was how much he thought the idea of tying me up was arousing. It helped that everyone at the munch was so excepting and eager to teach the “vanilla” boyfriend. I think that really made him feel comfortable and more willing to learn than I could’ve ever made him.

And trust me, I had tried alot prior to the munch. I would leave websites for him to look at, I would search for interesting pictures and show them to him, I would try to read erotica to him. He never really showed interest until that first munch. After that, I would literally say “I want a spanking” and I would get one. Now, it’s hard to just get vanilla sex, which is a little disappointing.

I wish I could learn everything I wanted to know, in one spot, without having to spend hours and hours searching to find it. I mean, there’s just so much about sex and sexuality and BDSM and fetishes that I want to know more about. I suppose a really smart person would probably tell me that I won’t learn half of the things that I really want to know, until I myself experience it. It’s much like having sex. People can tell you a thousand times about their experiences with sex, and the medical parts of sex. Yet, it’s never what you expect it to be.

Well I think that’s all I have to write today. Maybe again tomorrow? We’ll see!

Do you ever feel like you’re just not getting what you want sexually? I do. Almost every day of the week. There’s not enough of it, it’s not rough enough, it’s not soft enough, it doesn’t change enough. I wonder if I’ll ever truly be satisfied with my sex life.

The other night I took the Sexual Addiction Screening Test. I scored a nine, which officially makes me a sex addict. Last year, when I took the test, I didn’t even meet the criteria for potential to become a sex addict. This year, thanks to massive preoccupations with thoughts of sex, I scored as a sex addict. Though I know that the test is mostly inaccurate. Having sex once a week, with the same guy over and over again, probably doesn’t constitute sexual addiction.

I wish that it was more fun to tell guys what you want. Maybe when men are older they listen. But at my age, they hear you once and then almost never again. I tell him I want more compliments, so he says one thing and then no compliments forever. I tell him I want more oral sex, happens once and hasn’t been offered since. I tell him I want to go back to spanking, and then it never happens.

Our sex is wonderful, even though it’s a thousand times more vanilla than I want it to be. It’s fun, it’s intimate, it feels good. I’m not complaining. I could spend the rest of my life having our vanilla sex. But I want so much more. I want to be seduced and teased and then punished and spanked. I want to fuck!

I’ve started reading Sadopaeidia by Anonymous for at least my fourth time now. I seriously love that book so much! The only thing I’ve ever hated about BDSM-y erotica, is that it’s not presented as a consensual act. No wonder people think us kinksters are so crazy. Does anyone know of any erotica that presents a consensual perspective for BDSM? If not, why do you think that is?

I also downloaded The Kama Sutra and have been skimming through that. I’ve been putting off reading it for a really long time. After I watched a movie of the same title, I was a little turned off of the book. But now, I’m a bit more excited. It’d be alot more fun if The Boyfriend had some sort of interest in expanding his sexual knowledge, because then we could read it together.

When we first got together, my sister had sent me her copy of The Claiming of Sleeping Beauty by Anne Rice writing as A.N. Roquelaure. She found the book “too hardcore”, and I had been going off about wanting to read it forever. The Boyfriend and I agreed that we would start reading it out loud to each other before bed every night. That lasted one day, when alas, he fell asleep while I was reading the first chapter to him. Never tried it again.

Today, I’m feeling disappointed about my sex life. Not only have I been bleeding pretty much since my youngest was born (and that puts a huge damper on sex for me), we also really haven’t had much time. Most nights, The Boyfriend works graveyard, and when he is home, he’s really too tired at night. If we could manage to sneak away during the day, we could have sex, but there’s four young kids running around constantly.

If you would’ve asked me, even as little as a year ago, if I thought that I’d still be having vanilla sex, I’d straight up laugh in your face. A year ago, I had all these dreams about what I wanted sexually. I went to my first munch and thought that was the first big step towards me becoming kinky. Unfortunately, nothing has worked out the way I planned it. Especially where sex is concerned. Is anyone else dissatisfied with their sex life?