Posts Tagged ‘relationship’

He hasn’t watched porn in awhile. He claims it’s been since I sent him the nasty Facebook message (and that he has had no desire to do so), though I’m pretty positive last week someone watched porn, because the web history was deleted and the only time that gets done by the guy in my life is right after he watches porn.

And I hate that he’s put an effort in, and I just can’t freaking trust him at all on this matter. With everything else, I don’t have any trust issues. But with porn, I just always think he’s wanting to watch it and that he hates me because I’ve asked him not to. And it’s not like I expect him to never watch porn again, I just don’t want it to be this thing where he sneaks around behind my back, doesn’t ever tell me about it, and where he’s looking at what he looks at. I don’t want to constantly feel insecure because any day, he would rather look at Skanky McSkankerson, and hardly cares to look at me.

It pisses me off more than anything that he knows that I’m having all these image issues, and I don’t feel very comfortable talking about them. More than once, the conversation ends with, “You’ll have to read my blog!”, and I feel like he doesn’t care when he doesn’t read my blog, or even push me until I tell him what’s up. And I feel like his lack of sensitivity is making it all that much worse.

I absolutely don’t want this to be the reason we break up. My insecurities and hatred of him watching porn. But everytime that it upsets me, I just see exactly how it’s going to play out in the future. And I see both of us being completely unhappy for a really long time, and then one day, one of us (most likely him) will just wake up and say, “I’ve had enough of this!”, especially from him. It must suck to not be trusted when you haven’t done anything at all wrong.

I’m just despising the lack of communication about anything. I want so badly for him to tell me what it is about porn that keeps him watching it. I want for him to convince me that he never wishes he could have a busty, anorexic porn star, because he’s got the best, most beautiful girl in the world sitting right next to him. Everytime I think about him watching porn, the whole “I hope she’s not chunky” comment just repeats over and over again through my head, and I just think that there’s no way he could possibly be attracted to me. And it feels super super crappy. I think about him watching porn and I want to burst out into tears.

This morning, I had the opportunity to sleep in. Both of us have been incredibly exhausted lately, so sex has kind of gone on the back burner. So he gets up out of bed this morning and asks if I want to sleep in and I say sure. Most mornings, if I’m sleeping in, he’ll go grab all the kids out of their rooms and then come upstairs to give them breakfast. While this morning, he left the kids in their rooms and came upstairs. My first thought was, “He’s planning on watching porn!”. So I went and sent all the kids upstairs to try to hinder it before it happened.

A little bit after all the kids were upstairs, the house was incredibly warm, I decided I couldn’t sleep. He already had the internet hooked up to the PC, and I was like, “You were planning on watching porn this morning, eh?”, and like I usually do, I said it all joking style. I got a very lippy, “No actually, I was planning on playing Warcraft!” reply back. No sensitivity, no compassion, just made to feel worse for being this crazy bitch that I am. A couple minutes pass, and he pulls out the internet wire, throws it onto the ottoman. So instead of him playing Warcraft, I’m now blogging about my issues with stupid porn.

This is the thing that’s making it all so much worse right now. I’ve lost some weight. I don’t know how or why. Even though, I’m still having an issue with all my pants fitting (I think it’s my hips!), I’ve lost 3 inches around my waist. I personally, think it’s very noticeable, more so with my shirt off than on. Unless I’ve just finished eating, the pooch is getting smaller. When I look behind me, my ribs don’t pinch the fat in the middle of my back. When I lean forward, my boobs no longer have a place to rest. I even pointed it out to The Boyfriend the other day, to which I got no real response to.

Like, that’s another one of those things that is just so hard for me. Why can’t he just agree with me? I’m not saying he has to say nice things about me all the time, but when I’m saying nice things about myself, why can’t you just say something like, “You’re right” or “I’ve noticed that too” or anything that just makes it seem like he sees what I see, and I’m not just some loony laying on the couch next to him.

It sucks, because in so many areas lately, it’s been nothing but happiness between us. And I’m not saying that he’s not been saying nice things at all. It’s not like he’s some big meanie or anything. And it’s not like he intentionally is the way that he is. Not only is it his built in defense mechanism to not open up alot, it’s hard for him to express the feelings that he has. I don’t know why it is, because it’s not like he has a problem expressing emotion when it comes to writing a story. But to show that he has any emotions outside of happy and sad/mad, is pretty much impossible for him to do.

I think I’ve just been hyper-sensitive these last couple of days. And I don’t see it changing anytime soon. So everyday that passes and he doesn’t show an interest (and by an interest, I mean read) any of the blogs or websites in The Rantings Network, or that he doesn’t think to say super nice things to me after I’ve just degraded myself, the more sensitive I get, the more un-trusting I get, and the more upset I get. And I know exactly where it goes to after that, and I’m doing as much as I can to make sure that it doesn’t get there, and now I’m just waiting for him to do the same.

I wish that he’d just read my blog. But I think that he would take all of it wrong. I think that my words are easily misinterpreted, and I don’t see it because it’s my words and I understand them. I just wish he knew more what was going on inside my head about all this stuff, so that he could understand more what it’s like from my perspective. And I do not, under almost any circumstances, want to sit there and tell him because (a) it’s harder to explain and (b) it’s awkward and uncomfortable and so far my experience is that I never get the response I’m hoping for. At least in my blog, I describe in length exactly what I want him to say and how I want him to react. But I guess I’m just too mean to him in the blogosphere or something. I still don’t see it, but whatever…

WTMFI Wednesdays Button

“And I Will Always Love You”

CherriesThis Week’s Questions

  1. How did you and your partner meet? Did you know immediately that they were the one for you? How long after you met did you start dating?
  2. What’s your favorite thing that your partner does? What’s your least favorite thing that your partner does?
  3. What’s something you wish your partner would do more of, either sexually or non-sexually, or both?
  4. What’s everyone’s thoughts on PDA’s (Public Displays of Affection)?
  5. What’s the kinkiest thing you have done with your partner?

BONUS QUESTION:
Are you forever kind of people and believe that you are going to be together for the rest of your lives? Or are you more of a live by the moment type of couple, and you’ll see what each coming day is like?

RULES

  • Each week, for Wednesday, you post answers to the five questions that are posted. You may answer all, or only one or two of the questions. You can post in whichever format works for you, be it video, poetry, answers, pictures or audio.
  • Insert the WTMFI Wednesdays image at the top of this post (get instructions here) into your post, linking back to The Rantings of a Tortured Mind – XXX Rated Edition at https://rantingsofatorturedmindxxx.wordpress.com
  • Leave a link to your post with the answered questions in the comments section of Wednesday’s WTMFI post. There is a special page for all the links that are submitted, so be sure to submit your links.
  • Have Fun!!!!
  • (more…)

    Tons to write about tonight… From unsanitary stripper hot tubs to the most exciting part of my day, hopefully I’ll be able to keep it together 😉

    So first big bit of news, guess what I got today?!?!?!? I’ve been saying I wanted one for years, and guess what folks? I finally got it. That’s right Ladies and Gentlemen, I am officially the proud owner of a laptop. Here I sit, writing this post to you from my brand new HP Mini 10″. Since I’ve never used a laptop before, and am extremely used to the traditional desktop, I am having quite a few issues, from too large of font size to pushing buttons that I shouldn’t be pushing 😉

    It took me so long to pick it out, and I kept arguing with myself, “Val, you don’t NEED this.” “Yes, but I’ve wanted it for so long!!!” But then I picked it up and I was like, “Yup, I’m taking this home with me!” I wouldn’t have at all if it wasn’t for The Boyfriend cheering me on, and even helping me with the all important pro/con list. This one was easier to type on than the other one.

    So, of course I came home and immediately booted up my brand new laptop. We had gotten The Boyfriend “Red Dead Redemption”, so he was occupied.  I got talking to my Sister, and eventually it lead to a new bit of information that Alfie has leaked to me. Apparently, my favorite (and what I used to think was classier) strip club, has now included a hot tub into the list of features they have. I don’t know for sure all what they have, but when I used to go they had two poles, a swing and a shower. Now they supposedly have a bubbly bath.

    When Alfie first told me about it, I went into this entire rant about what kind of sanitation guidelines they had to follow and how that one tub was going to be the ruin of the adult industry, because of one strippers unsanitary and contagious sexually transmitted infection/disease.

    Then all of a sudden my Sister starts sending me all these little porn clips in MSN. Well, since the whole hatred of The Boyfriend watching porn thing, I haven’t had any desire to have porn anywhere near me. I don’t want to think about other people have sex, and I definitely don’t want to see it. So I hastily ended my conversation with her, and decided to jump on over to ALT.com’s chatrooms and chat with some of the locals.

    I’ve recently discovered that I live very close to some of the people in my community. So much so, that when I saw a firecracker go off in front of my house, they heard it from theirs.  Conversations were going really really great with everyone until one person decided it was time to cyber and another decided it was time to encourage me to either cheat on or leave The Boyfriend.

    And I just feel like neither of those are even close to an option. I can’t imagine breaking up what I have now, what I consider to be my current family, all to satisfy my sexual urges!!! I know that eventually in my life, I need to discover who I am sexually. And if that means that I have to travel on without him, so be it. But I don’t want it to be right now. I feel like I haven’t even gotten the chance to get to know him!!!

    I just think I’m incredibly confused. On the one hand, I so desperately want BDSM to become more a part of my life. On the one hand, I so desperately want to be the sexual person I long to be. But on the other hand, well the other hand really has no idea what it wants at all. But the other hand would like a chance to see if this could work out in its favor, before just flipping out and going off with someone else.

    I don’t even know if I’d be okay with it if The Boyfriend was like, “It’s alright Val, you go off and discover yourself. I’ll be waiting for you with open arms when you get back.” I just don’t know what I want….

    It’d be so different if I didn’t have to constantly think about all these kids. And that was another thing. Someone said because I didn’t take the time to fully discover myself and jumped into the baby thing that it showed a lack of maturity. And I don’t think I agree with that at all.

    No offense to almost everyone I know, but I’m more mature than almost anyone I know. I mean, I am a mother of four whose been taking care of my responsibilities with very little help, for the last three years. I’d say that takes a pretty heightened level of maturity. I’m the one who pays the bills and puts food on the table and clothes on their backs. I’m the one whose kept this particular roof over our head for almost three years now!!! I’d say that’s pretty freaking mature of me…

    And I’m seriously still waiting for one person to tell me that they have reached the point of absolute sexual satisfaction! I’m only 23, I have at least say 23 more years of experience to gain ahead of me. I don’t think I’m in that dreadful of a situation. Unless 23 is somehow now old, in which case, fuck me!!

    Kept going off on statistically. Apparently, statistically, those of us under the age of 25 in a long-term relationship have an 80% fail rate. Believable? Very much so. Apparently, in 5 years it’s unlikely that The Boyfriend and I will even be together. So does that somehow mean that I’m now supposed to forget about his feelings, his existence and just go off and find myself sexually, or do I wait the five years until we’re broken up and then find myself sexually. I mean, I am only 23!!!

    It started off as a really good chat night, and then it just turned bad. I don’t go into chatrooms to cyber or be told to break up with my boyfriend. I go into them to chat about what we’re all striving towards. I go into them to find someone else who thinks about what I think about. And I don’t think about cybering!!!!

    Well, that’s officially my rant for the night. Things are starting to get blurry as I finish my fourth Smirnoff Ice (One ahead of The Boyfriend ;)) Hopefully I’ll be writing tomorrow about my amazing drunken sexperience tonight 😉

    These last couple of days has been completely unsatisfying. From lack of communication to sex that ends badly, it’s just been a series of days that makes me want to cry.

    After reaching my breaking point with the whole porn thing, I wrote The Boyfriend a message bitching about it on Facebook while he was at work, since apparently we can’t talk in person. Not a single response back, not on Facebook, not in real life, nothing. So the first two or three days he was home on days off, we pretty much sat in silent. When we did talk, it was about video games or movies that are coming out.

    Then we had sex. I had said I wasn’t going to until he talked to me about some of the shit that I’ve been complaining about. But when you have him next to you, it’s very very hard to resist temptation. The sex was good for the most part. I didn’t get off, even though I tried really hard, and then after we were done he rolled over and fell asleep. Things stayed kind of awkward, but less silent.

    Then we went to a family gathering two days ago, even though on many levels I didn’t want to. My brother showed up here, and The Boyfriend says to me that he’s not allowed to come with us. And I was completely crushed. I hate how we can be involved with each other’s families, but god forbid our families be involved with each other. Especially if they’re in a mental institution. I just don’t get it some days. Don’t really feel like bitching much about it. But it was also cold and windy out and I’ve been in this state of not liking the state of our relationship, and I don’t want to go around making it seem to everyone else like we’re okay. I did that with Alfie all the time, and it just feels like you’re completely lying.

    So we finish there and come home and decide we’re going to pick up the 3rd season of Gilmore Girls so that we’d have something to watch. He missed work last night, and as we’re watching TV, I reach over to put my hand on his leg, end up touching cock instead. While I went from not even thinking about sex (I know, surprise!), to wanting him so bad.

    It was really great sex. As it almost always is. Lately afterwards though, I feel so deflated and wrong. I don’t even really know how to explain exactly how I feel. I’ve noticed that unless I go into detail about what I liked about the sex, we don’t talk about it at all. The last couple of times, I’ve just sat silently afterwards waiting for him to say something that makes me feel good about what we’ve just done. The most I’ve gotten was, “That was amazing!”. And while in man land, that may be an acceptable answer, in Valerie Land, I need so much more than that.

    I just want someone who will pay half as much attention to me as I do to them. Will remember some little detail of a story that I told them once in passing, and when I talk about it again they’ll be able to say, “I’ve heard this already” or someone who notices my neck is hurting because I’m turning my entire body instead of just my head. Someone who will notice I’m having a crappy day and will try to be comforting instead of just giving me the silent treatment. I don’t think I’ll ever be able to find a person who cares about me as much as I care about them. I don’t think I’m ever going to find Mr./Mrs. Right. I’ll probably spend my entire life finding alot of Mr./Mrs. Almost Rights, but nothing that is ever going to truly and completely fill my happiness/satisfaction meter.

    I think I just seriously need to orgasm. Two times in the last little while, I’ve been brought very close. Incredibly close. And two times, I haven’t gotten off. Add that on top of my previous sexually frustrated self, and I’m literally a time bomb just waiting to go off.

    Well, here’s to the start of another set of days off. Hopefully this week is better than all the last. As long as he doesn’t watch porn (or at least, covers it up better), then we should all be good. I hate that I’m like that…

    WTMFI Wednesdays Button

    “Did What? With Who?”

    CherriesThis Week’s Questions

    1. Have you ever cheated on someone? Have you ever been cheated on?
    2. Do you think monogamy is really possible?
    3. What has your longest relationship been? Were you faithful the entire time?
    4. Would you forgive someone who cheated on you?
    5. Who is the one celebrity you wouldn’t think twice about cheating on your partner with?

    BONUS QUESTION:
    Have you ever heard of Cuckoldry? Does it interest you?

    RULES

  • Each week, for Wednesday, you post answers to the five questions that are posted. You may answer all, or only one or two of the questions. You can post in whichever format works for you, be it video, poetry, answers, pictures or audio.
  • Insert the WTMFI Wednesdays image at the top of this post (get instructions here) into your post, linking back to The Rantings of a Tortured Mind – XXX Rated Edition at https://rantingsofatorturedmindxxx.wordpress.com
  • Leave a link to your post with the answered questions in the comments section of Wednesday’s WTMFI post. There is a special page for all the links that are submitted, so be sure to submit your links.
  • Have Fun!!!!
  • …Click the Read More button to see Valerie Rayne’s answers …

    (more…)

    For 15 weeks, I’ve been doing WTMFI Wednesdays (almost religiously), and I’ve gotten a few quick comments but no serious participants. This morning, I woke  up and checked my e-mail, like every other morning, and I had a comment notification. I hopped on over to my blog to check it out, and imagine my excitement when it was a link to blog where someone had replied to WTMFI Wednesdays – Week 15: Sexting, where you’re asked some questions about technology and sex.

    So the very first real reply to WTMFI Wednesdays comes from Screaming Violet, a horny housewife, a whore and a blogger (as her site states…). Check out her blog here, or follow her on Twitter.

    Now it’s time for me to rant…

    The list of insecurities I’m feeling seems to grow every single day lately. I think The Boyfriend is beginning to feel a little frustrated by it. He’ll say, “That shirt looks good on you.” and I’ll say, “Yeah, I have a mirror, and no it doesn’t” and then I roll my eyes at him. Today, I compared myself to a girl that he thought was much uglier than I. I hope it doesn’t ever become a problem.

    If I really think about it, it already is. I don’t put myself out there or dress up and get sexy for him. I complain all the time that I’m not getting enough sex (which you’ll hear more about in a minute…), and then I don’t do anything to make him desire me. It’s kind of my own fault.

    But it’s hard when I don’t feel like he really truly desires me sexually. On average in a month, he watches porn more than we have sex. And even though he’s got four nights off a week now, we tend to still only have sex once a week. And most times it seems like he’s avoiding it. We’ll stay up late playing games and/or on the computer and next thing we know 4 AM is rolling around and he’s too tired to keep his eyes open long enough for a goodnight kiss, let alone a goodnight romp.

    I remembered today why I don’t ask him questions either. I hear the answers and then they just play over and over again in my mind. I ask what his fascination is with porn. He’s gotta know that the entire thing is bugging the heck out of me. If he hasn’t read my blog about it yet, I’ve been telling him almost everyday not to watch porn, today I told him I knew how much he’d been watching it. He said the sound of porn was fascinating to him. He uses headphones to listen. He probably wouldn’t watch it if he couldn’t hear it. It just keeps playing…

    Then, I was so excited about the fire pit(s) and the munches, and the whole idea of going to them. And of course they have to be on days when The Boyfriend works. I don’t think he’s very comfortable with me proceeding on with the whole BDSM lifestyle without him. Especially being that he views it as something that precedes sex.

    I’ve been thinking alot about looking into apprenticing under a professional Domme. It’s something that I’ve been interested in doing for years, and just never thought I actually could. It would also be really nice to get into some fetish modeling. Again, all things I don’t think The Boyfriend is 100% okay with.

    I keep having this internal argument with myself over the whole thing. Sometimes I wanna be like screw The Boyfriend, if he can’t handle who I am, he can leave. His choice. But other times, I just can’t imagine living my life without him. I sometimes want to throw my hands up and sacrifice this dream that I’ve been chasing for almost ten years now. And every time I get my hopes up that this relationship will eventually transform into the sexual relationship that I’m craving for it to be, something happens that just reminds me that it probably won’t ever get there.

    I’d be lucky to get sex more than once a week on a regular basis and not have to compete with porn all the time…

    WTMFI Wednesdays Button

    “R U LOL?”

    CherriesThis Week’s Questions

    1. Have you ever used your cellphone to send racy pictures or messages?
    2. Do you use a webcam for sexual purposes?
    3. How often do you have cyber sex?
    4. Do you use the internet to look at porn?
    5. Do you think X-rated content is too easy to access or too difficult?

    BONUS QUESTION:
    What’s your stance on long-distance online relationships?

    RULES

  • Each week, for Wednesday, you post answers to the five questions that are posted. You may answer all, or only one or two of the questions. You can post in whichever format works for you, be it video, poetry, answers, pictures or audio.
  • Insert the WTMFI Wednesdays image at the top of this post (get instructions here) into your post, linking back to The Rantings of a Tortured Mind – XXX Rated Edition at https://rantingsofatorturedmindxxx.wordpress.com
  • Leave a link to your post with the answered questions in the comments section of Wednesday’s WTMFI post. There is a special page for all the links that are submitted, so be sure to submit your links.
  • Have Fun!!!!
  • …Click the Read More button to see Valerie Rayne’s answers …

    (more…)