Posts Tagged ‘Science’

Yes, sadly, I am one of those fools who follows things like gut instincts and looks for signs to make decisions about things. Not about everyday things, mostly about things to do with me personally.

When The Boyfriend and I first got together, it was a sign to me that within days of starting to date, I was writing songs like they were going out of style. Yesterday, another one of these signs came along, and it was further confirmed tonight, so I think this month is going to be an exciting month.

I got a personal invite to a fire pit on FetLife. Unfortunately, it was extremely short notice and when you’ve got four kids, everything requires at least 24 hour notice. But luckily, the last one went so good that they’re holding another one right away. I replied back with a “Sorry I didn’t make it”, and got invited to the next fire pit and the upcoming munch.

This is my entire problem with anything BDSM-related though, especially where community is concerned. First of all, I don’t feel like I belong there. I hardly participate in BDSM at home, let alone outside of the house. Second, it seems to be more and more of a struggle to get The Boyfriend truly interested in this whole thing. I can’t even really say that though, because it’s not that he’s not interested.

He’ll find things, like K-Nex pieces, and decide they’d make awesome whipping toys. Every once and awhile he’ll say something or describe a scenario that is extremely kinky. Rarely does he ever follow through on anything.

Until I get better acquainted with my local scene, I want to always be going with someone I know. And since I don’t really know the people in my local scene, I’d really like for my boyfriend to tag along with me. But I don’t want him there if it’s not something that truly interests him.

Plus, everything seems to land on days when he works. And while I’m sure, if I asked him to, he’d miss sleep to be able to participate, again don’t really want to be dragging him along.

The other day, I was going off about sex to The Boyfriend, as I usually do. He said something along the lines of, “Sometimes you scare me”, and that’s been sticking with me pretty hard these last couple of days. He didn’t mean it, or at least he claims he didn’t mean it, in the “your sexuality scares me” kind of way, he’s more worried that he’s not going to satisfy my sexual needs and I’ll go off and find someone who will. But it’s not the first time someone’s said that particular thing to me, and not meant that I was going to off cheating on them.

It sucks that I hardly have sex, but that my sexuality scares people just because I like it rougher than most. I hate that it scares people that I’m constantly thinking about sex. I could understand it more if I was more perverted about it. Like if I was constantly thinking about having sex. But I’m not.

Most of the time when I’m talking about sex, it’s about science and sex. Sexual statistics, sexual facts that most people wouldn’t know, and every once and awhile, I’ll talk about my own sexuality. It just seems so odd to me that for as long as humans have been on earth, they’ve been having sex, and  yet those of us who talk about it, are frowned upon. Are dirty, perverted, sex addicts.

Hopefully one day, The Boyfriend (preferred) or someone else, will come somewhere close to the same level of sexual desire, or whatever you want to call what I feel, as I do. Because it’s beginning to be a lonely existence. I just want to be able to intelligently discuss sexuality, without the entire purpose being to have sex, with someone. I want someone to pass some sexual knowledge on to me, instead of me always passing on to them. I feel like a freak because I’m the only person I know with this particular interest, an interest that I can’t even completely define…