Posts Tagged ‘Sex Addict’

Yes, sadly, I am one of those fools who follows things like gut instincts and looks for signs to make decisions about things. Not about everyday things, mostly about things to do with me personally.

When The Boyfriend and I first got together, it was a sign to me that within days of starting to date, I was writing songs like they were going out of style. Yesterday, another one of these signs came along, and it was further confirmed tonight, so I think this month is going to be an exciting month.

I got a personal invite to a fire pit on FetLife. Unfortunately, it was extremely short notice and when you’ve got four kids, everything requires at least 24 hour notice. But luckily, the last one went so good that they’re holding another one right away. I replied back with a “Sorry I didn’t make it”, and got invited to the next fire pit and the upcoming munch.

This is my entire problem with anything BDSM-related though, especially where community is concerned. First of all, I don’t feel like I belong there. I hardly participate in BDSM at home, let alone outside of the house. Second, it seems to be more and more of a struggle to get The Boyfriend truly interested in this whole thing. I can’t even really say that though, because it’s not that he’s not interested.

He’ll find things, like K-Nex pieces, and decide they’d make awesome whipping toys. Every once and awhile he’ll say something or describe a scenario that is extremely kinky. Rarely does he ever follow through on anything.

Until I get better acquainted with my local scene, I want to always be going with someone I know. And since I don’t really know the people in my local scene, I’d really like for my boyfriend to tag along with me. But I don’t want him there if it’s not something that truly interests him.

Plus, everything seems to land on days when he works. And while I’m sure, if I asked him to, he’d miss sleep to be able to participate, again don’t really want to be dragging him along.

The other day, I was going off about sex to The Boyfriend, as I usually do. He said something along the lines of, “Sometimes you scare me”, and that’s been sticking with me pretty hard these last couple of days. He didn’t mean it, or at least he claims he didn’t mean it, in the “your sexuality scares me” kind of way, he’s more worried that he’s not going to satisfy my sexual needs and I’ll go off and find someone who will. But it’s not the first time someone’s said that particular thing to me, and not meant that I was going to off cheating on them.

It sucks that I hardly have sex, but that my sexuality scares people just because I like it rougher than most. I hate that it scares people that I’m constantly thinking about sex. I could understand it more if I was more perverted about it. Like if I was constantly thinking about having sex. But I’m not.

Most of the time when I’m talking about sex, it’s about science and sex. Sexual statistics, sexual facts that most people wouldn’t know, and every once and awhile, I’ll talk about my own sexuality. It just seems so odd to me that for as long as humans have been on earth, they’ve been having sex, and  yet those of us who talk about it, are frowned upon. Are dirty, perverted, sex addicts.

Hopefully one day, The Boyfriend (preferred) or someone else, will come somewhere close to the same level of sexual desire, or whatever you want to call what I feel, as I do. Because it’s beginning to be a lonely existence. I just want to be able to intelligently discuss sexuality, without the entire purpose being to have sex, with someone. I want someone to pass some sexual knowledge on to me, instead of me always passing on to them. I feel like a freak because I’m the only person I know with this particular interest, an interest that I can’t even completely define…

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Do you ever feel like you’re just not getting what you want sexually? I do. Almost every day of the week. There’s not enough of it, it’s not rough enough, it’s not soft enough, it doesn’t change enough. I wonder if I’ll ever truly be satisfied with my sex life.

The other night I took the Sexual Addiction Screening Test. I scored a nine, which officially makes me a sex addict. Last year, when I took the test, I didn’t even meet the criteria for potential to become a sex addict. This year, thanks to massive preoccupations with thoughts of sex, I scored as a sex addict. Though I know that the test is mostly inaccurate. Having sex once a week, with the same guy over and over again, probably doesn’t constitute sexual addiction.

I wish that it was more fun to tell guys what you want. Maybe when men are older they listen. But at my age, they hear you once and then almost never again. I tell him I want more compliments, so he says one thing and then no compliments forever. I tell him I want more oral sex, happens once and hasn’t been offered since. I tell him I want to go back to spanking, and then it never happens.

Our sex is wonderful, even though it’s a thousand times more vanilla than I want it to be. It’s fun, it’s intimate, it feels good. I’m not complaining. I could spend the rest of my life having our vanilla sex. But I want so much more. I want to be seduced and teased and then punished and spanked. I want to fuck!

I’ve started reading Sadopaeidia by Anonymous for at least my fourth time now. I seriously love that book so much! The only thing I’ve ever hated about BDSM-y erotica, is that it’s not presented as a consensual act. No wonder people think us kinksters are so crazy. Does anyone know of any erotica that presents a consensual perspective for BDSM? If not, why do you think that is?

I also downloaded The Kama Sutra and have been skimming through that. I’ve been putting off reading it for a really long time. After I watched a movie of the same title, I was a little turned off of the book. But now, I’m a bit more excited. It’d be alot more fun if The Boyfriend had some sort of interest in expanding his sexual knowledge, because then we could read it together.

When we first got together, my sister had sent me her copy of The Claiming of Sleeping Beauty by Anne Rice writing as A.N. Roquelaure. She found the book “too hardcore”, and I had been going off about wanting to read it forever. The Boyfriend and I agreed that we would start reading it out loud to each other before bed every night. That lasted one day, when alas, he fell asleep while I was reading the first chapter to him. Never tried it again.

Today, I’m feeling disappointed about my sex life. Not only have I been bleeding pretty much since my youngest was born (and that puts a huge damper on sex for me), we also really haven’t had much time. Most nights, The Boyfriend works graveyard, and when he is home, he’s really too tired at night. If we could manage to sneak away during the day, we could have sex, but there’s four young kids running around constantly.

If you would’ve asked me, even as little as a year ago, if I thought that I’d still be having vanilla sex, I’d straight up laugh in your face. A year ago, I had all these dreams about what I wanted sexually. I went to my first munch and thought that was the first big step towards me becoming kinky. Unfortunately, nothing has worked out the way I planned it. Especially where sex is concerned. Is anyone else dissatisfied with their sex life?