Posts Tagged ‘Sex Addiction’

So today, has not been a good day and I don’t think it’s going to get any better. Probably worse, but not better. As the kids and I are heading over to Mama T’s house today for an amazing barbecued dinner, The Boyfriend says he’s probably gonna go straight to sleep. And I say, “Yeah right, you’re probably gonna watch porn first.” and he goes, “I’ve been doing really good on not watching porn.” So I say, “Yeah but no one is going to be here.” He didn’t watch porn, but the whole entire conversation just sucked.

I pointed out to him the other day that he watches porn more than we have sex! Well I go over to Mama T’s, a little snappy because I’m just not happy. She asks what’s up, and I go into this entire thing about our sex life. Start crying about it and everything. I’m just so freaking upset over this whole porn thing lately, and the fact that I’m only getting laid once a week and most of the time it’s completely vanilla sex, and The Boyfriend is constantly teasing me with adding BDSM to our lifestyle!!

Then my Mom goes and says that I need to find a friend to talk to about all this stuff. A real human, not someone off the internet. And I just burst out into tears more. I have a hard enough time finding a person I like, let alone a person that’s going to like and accept me. I can’t talk to normal people about anything because all I ever want to talk about is sex.

So of course, after bawling my eyes out over something as petty as The Boyfriend and porn and my lack of sex, I’ve come to the conclusion that maybe it’s time for me to seek some help for this whole thing. It feels like I’m trapped in this sexuality. I can’t be me, I can’t not be me. I can’t be the sexual being I long to be, because I can’t find a single fucking person to be there with me.

I can’t even talk to other people about it, because no one else gets it. I just feel so sexually frustrated and stifled. And when I talk to the people in my life about it, it just scares them. I just don’t know what to do anymore. I feel so completely alone in this whole thing. This whole trying to discover who my sexual self is. And I hate that trying to get through this point right now, is being so hard. I hate that my sex life makes me cry…

The preoccupation with sex is what’s starting to worry me. There doesn’t seem to be many moments in the day when I’m not thinking about it, or wanting it or writing about it or reading about it. It just always seems to be on my mind. I don’t want it to ever get to the point where I can’t control it. And sometimes I don’t even think I can do that now.

It’ll get to the point where I want it all the time, and I’ll do anything to get it. And I don’t want it to get there. That scares me. So I’m thinking some sex addiction therapy might help me out. But even that scares me. I like that I’m sexual and open. But I hate that I can’t be, because I don’t know a single other person who is even a little bit like me.

I’m just so lost…

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Do you ever feel like you’re just not getting what you want sexually? I do. Almost every day of the week. There’s not enough of it, it’s not rough enough, it’s not soft enough, it doesn’t change enough. I wonder if I’ll ever truly be satisfied with my sex life.

The other night I took the Sexual Addiction Screening Test. I scored a nine, which officially makes me a sex addict. Last year, when I took the test, I didn’t even meet the criteria for potential to become a sex addict. This year, thanks to massive preoccupations with thoughts of sex, I scored as a sex addict. Though I know that the test is mostly inaccurate. Having sex once a week, with the same guy over and over again, probably doesn’t constitute sexual addiction.

I wish that it was more fun to tell guys what you want. Maybe when men are older they listen. But at my age, they hear you once and then almost never again. I tell him I want more compliments, so he says one thing and then no compliments forever. I tell him I want more oral sex, happens once and hasn’t been offered since. I tell him I want to go back to spanking, and then it never happens.

Our sex is wonderful, even though it’s a thousand times more vanilla than I want it to be. It’s fun, it’s intimate, it feels good. I’m not complaining. I could spend the rest of my life having our vanilla sex. But I want so much more. I want to be seduced and teased and then punished and spanked. I want to fuck!

I’ve started reading Sadopaeidia by Anonymous for at least my fourth time now. I seriously love that book so much! The only thing I’ve ever hated about BDSM-y erotica, is that it’s not presented as a consensual act. No wonder people think us kinksters are so crazy. Does anyone know of any erotica that presents a consensual perspective for BDSM? If not, why do you think that is?

I also downloaded The Kama Sutra and have been skimming through that. I’ve been putting off reading it for a really long time. After I watched a movie of the same title, I was a little turned off of the book. But now, I’m a bit more excited. It’d be alot more fun if The Boyfriend had some sort of interest in expanding his sexual knowledge, because then we could read it together.

When we first got together, my sister had sent me her copy of The Claiming of Sleeping Beauty by Anne Rice writing as A.N. Roquelaure. She found the book “too hardcore”, and I had been going off about wanting to read it forever. The Boyfriend and I agreed that we would start reading it out loud to each other before bed every night. That lasted one day, when alas, he fell asleep while I was reading the first chapter to him. Never tried it again.

Today, I’m feeling disappointed about my sex life. Not only have I been bleeding pretty much since my youngest was born (and that puts a huge damper on sex for me), we also really haven’t had much time. Most nights, The Boyfriend works graveyard, and when he is home, he’s really too tired at night. If we could manage to sneak away during the day, we could have sex, but there’s four young kids running around constantly.

If you would’ve asked me, even as little as a year ago, if I thought that I’d still be having vanilla sex, I’d straight up laugh in your face. A year ago, I had all these dreams about what I wanted sexually. I went to my first munch and thought that was the first big step towards me becoming kinky. Unfortunately, nothing has worked out the way I planned it. Especially where sex is concerned. Is anyone else dissatisfied with their sex life?