Posts Tagged ‘Sexual’

Tons to write about tonight… From unsanitary stripper hot tubs to the most exciting part of my day, hopefully I’ll be able to keep it together 😉

So first big bit of news, guess what I got today?!?!?!? I’ve been saying I wanted one for years, and guess what folks? I finally got it. That’s right Ladies and Gentlemen, I am officially the proud owner of a laptop. Here I sit, writing this post to you from my brand new HP Mini 10″. Since I’ve never used a laptop before, and am extremely used to the traditional desktop, I am having quite a few issues, from too large of font size to pushing buttons that I shouldn’t be pushing 😉

It took me so long to pick it out, and I kept arguing with myself, “Val, you don’t NEED this.” “Yes, but I’ve wanted it for so long!!!” But then I picked it up and I was like, “Yup, I’m taking this home with me!” I wouldn’t have at all if it wasn’t for The Boyfriend cheering me on, and even helping me with the all important pro/con list. This one was easier to type on than the other one.

So, of course I came home and immediately booted up my brand new laptop. We had gotten The Boyfriend “Red Dead Redemption”, so he was occupied.  I got talking to my Sister, and eventually it lead to a new bit of information that Alfie has leaked to me. Apparently, my favorite (and what I used to think was classier) strip club, has now included a hot tub into the list of features they have. I don’t know for sure all what they have, but when I used to go they had two poles, a swing and a shower. Now they supposedly have a bubbly bath.

When Alfie first told me about it, I went into this entire rant about what kind of sanitation guidelines they had to follow and how that one tub was going to be the ruin of the adult industry, because of one strippers unsanitary and contagious sexually transmitted infection/disease.

Then all of a sudden my Sister starts sending me all these little porn clips in MSN. Well, since the whole hatred of The Boyfriend watching porn thing, I haven’t had any desire to have porn anywhere near me. I don’t want to think about other people have sex, and I definitely don’t want to see it. So I hastily ended my conversation with her, and decided to jump on over to ALT.com’s chatrooms and chat with some of the locals.

I’ve recently discovered that I live very close to some of the people in my community. So much so, that when I saw a firecracker go off in front of my house, they heard it from theirs.  Conversations were going really really great with everyone until one person decided it was time to cyber and another decided it was time to encourage me to either cheat on or leave The Boyfriend.

And I just feel like neither of those are even close to an option. I can’t imagine breaking up what I have now, what I consider to be my current family, all to satisfy my sexual urges!!! I know that eventually in my life, I need to discover who I am sexually. And if that means that I have to travel on without him, so be it. But I don’t want it to be right now. I feel like I haven’t even gotten the chance to get to know him!!!

I just think I’m incredibly confused. On the one hand, I so desperately want BDSM to become more a part of my life. On the one hand, I so desperately want to be the sexual person I long to be. But on the other hand, well the other hand really has no idea what it wants at all. But the other hand would like a chance to see if this could work out in its favor, before just flipping out and going off with someone else.

I don’t even know if I’d be okay with it if The Boyfriend was like, “It’s alright Val, you go off and discover yourself. I’ll be waiting for you with open arms when you get back.” I just don’t know what I want….

It’d be so different if I didn’t have to constantly think about all these kids. And that was another thing. Someone said because I didn’t take the time to fully discover myself and jumped into the baby thing that it showed a lack of maturity. And I don’t think I agree with that at all.

No offense to almost everyone I know, but I’m more mature than almost anyone I know. I mean, I am a mother of four whose been taking care of my responsibilities with very little help, for the last three years. I’d say that takes a pretty heightened level of maturity. I’m the one who pays the bills and puts food on the table and clothes on their backs. I’m the one whose kept this particular roof over our head for almost three years now!!! I’d say that’s pretty freaking mature of me…

And I’m seriously still waiting for one person to tell me that they have reached the point of absolute sexual satisfaction! I’m only 23, I have at least say 23 more years of experience to gain ahead of me. I don’t think I’m in that dreadful of a situation. Unless 23 is somehow now old, in which case, fuck me!!

Kept going off on statistically. Apparently, statistically, those of us under the age of 25 in a long-term relationship have an 80% fail rate. Believable? Very much so. Apparently, in 5 years it’s unlikely that The Boyfriend and I will even be together. So does that somehow mean that I’m now supposed to forget about his feelings, his existence and just go off and find myself sexually, or do I wait the five years until we’re broken up and then find myself sexually. I mean, I am only 23!!!

It started off as a really good chat night, and then it just turned bad. I don’t go into chatrooms to cyber or be told to break up with my boyfriend. I go into them to chat about what we’re all striving towards. I go into them to find someone else who thinks about what I think about. And I don’t think about cybering!!!!

Well, that’s officially my rant for the night. Things are starting to get blurry as I finish my fourth Smirnoff Ice (One ahead of The Boyfriend ;)) Hopefully I’ll be writing tomorrow about my amazing drunken sexperience tonight 😉

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WTMFI Wednesdays Button

“Did What? With Who?”

CherriesThis Week’s Questions

  1. Have you ever cheated on someone? Have you ever been cheated on?
  2. Do you think monogamy is really possible?
  3. What has your longest relationship been? Were you faithful the entire time?
  4. Would you forgive someone who cheated on you?
  5. Who is the one celebrity you wouldn’t think twice about cheating on your partner with?

BONUS QUESTION:
Have you ever heard of Cuckoldry? Does it interest you?

RULES

  • Each week, for Wednesday, you post answers to the five questions that are posted. You may answer all, or only one or two of the questions. You can post in whichever format works for you, be it video, poetry, answers, pictures or audio.
  • Insert the WTMFI Wednesdays image at the top of this post (get instructions here) into your post, linking back to The Rantings of a Tortured Mind – XXX Rated Edition at https://rantingsofatorturedmindxxx.wordpress.com
  • Leave a link to your post with the answered questions in the comments section of Wednesday’s WTMFI post. There is a special page for all the links that are submitted, so be sure to submit your links.
  • Have Fun!!!!
  • …Click the Read More button to see Valerie Rayne’s answers …

    (more…)

    So today, has not been a good day and I don’t think it’s going to get any better. Probably worse, but not better. As the kids and I are heading over to Mama T’s house today for an amazing barbecued dinner, The Boyfriend says he’s probably gonna go straight to sleep. And I say, “Yeah right, you’re probably gonna watch porn first.” and he goes, “I’ve been doing really good on not watching porn.” So I say, “Yeah but no one is going to be here.” He didn’t watch porn, but the whole entire conversation just sucked.

    I pointed out to him the other day that he watches porn more than we have sex! Well I go over to Mama T’s, a little snappy because I’m just not happy. She asks what’s up, and I go into this entire thing about our sex life. Start crying about it and everything. I’m just so freaking upset over this whole porn thing lately, and the fact that I’m only getting laid once a week and most of the time it’s completely vanilla sex, and The Boyfriend is constantly teasing me with adding BDSM to our lifestyle!!

    Then my Mom goes and says that I need to find a friend to talk to about all this stuff. A real human, not someone off the internet. And I just burst out into tears more. I have a hard enough time finding a person I like, let alone a person that’s going to like and accept me. I can’t talk to normal people about anything because all I ever want to talk about is sex.

    So of course, after bawling my eyes out over something as petty as The Boyfriend and porn and my lack of sex, I’ve come to the conclusion that maybe it’s time for me to seek some help for this whole thing. It feels like I’m trapped in this sexuality. I can’t be me, I can’t not be me. I can’t be the sexual being I long to be, because I can’t find a single fucking person to be there with me.

    I can’t even talk to other people about it, because no one else gets it. I just feel so sexually frustrated and stifled. And when I talk to the people in my life about it, it just scares them. I just don’t know what to do anymore. I feel so completely alone in this whole thing. This whole trying to discover who my sexual self is. And I hate that trying to get through this point right now, is being so hard. I hate that my sex life makes me cry…

    The preoccupation with sex is what’s starting to worry me. There doesn’t seem to be many moments in the day when I’m not thinking about it, or wanting it or writing about it or reading about it. It just always seems to be on my mind. I don’t want it to ever get to the point where I can’t control it. And sometimes I don’t even think I can do that now.

    It’ll get to the point where I want it all the time, and I’ll do anything to get it. And I don’t want it to get there. That scares me. So I’m thinking some sex addiction therapy might help me out. But even that scares me. I like that I’m sexual and open. But I hate that I can’t be, because I don’t know a single other person who is even a little bit like me.

    I’m just so lost…

    For 15 weeks, I’ve been doing WTMFI Wednesdays (almost religiously), and I’ve gotten a few quick comments but no serious participants. This morning, I woke  up and checked my e-mail, like every other morning, and I had a comment notification. I hopped on over to my blog to check it out, and imagine my excitement when it was a link to blog where someone had replied to WTMFI Wednesdays – Week 15: Sexting, where you’re asked some questions about technology and sex.

    So the very first real reply to WTMFI Wednesdays comes from Screaming Violet, a horny housewife, a whore and a blogger (as her site states…). Check out her blog here, or follow her on Twitter.

    Now it’s time for me to rant…

    The list of insecurities I’m feeling seems to grow every single day lately. I think The Boyfriend is beginning to feel a little frustrated by it. He’ll say, “That shirt looks good on you.” and I’ll say, “Yeah, I have a mirror, and no it doesn’t” and then I roll my eyes at him. Today, I compared myself to a girl that he thought was much uglier than I. I hope it doesn’t ever become a problem.

    If I really think about it, it already is. I don’t put myself out there or dress up and get sexy for him. I complain all the time that I’m not getting enough sex (which you’ll hear more about in a minute…), and then I don’t do anything to make him desire me. It’s kind of my own fault.

    But it’s hard when I don’t feel like he really truly desires me sexually. On average in a month, he watches porn more than we have sex. And even though he’s got four nights off a week now, we tend to still only have sex once a week. And most times it seems like he’s avoiding it. We’ll stay up late playing games and/or on the computer and next thing we know 4 AM is rolling around and he’s too tired to keep his eyes open long enough for a goodnight kiss, let alone a goodnight romp.

    I remembered today why I don’t ask him questions either. I hear the answers and then they just play over and over again in my mind. I ask what his fascination is with porn. He’s gotta know that the entire thing is bugging the heck out of me. If he hasn’t read my blog about it yet, I’ve been telling him almost everyday not to watch porn, today I told him I knew how much he’d been watching it. He said the sound of porn was fascinating to him. He uses headphones to listen. He probably wouldn’t watch it if he couldn’t hear it. It just keeps playing…

    Then, I was so excited about the fire pit(s) and the munches, and the whole idea of going to them. And of course they have to be on days when The Boyfriend works. I don’t think he’s very comfortable with me proceeding on with the whole BDSM lifestyle without him. Especially being that he views it as something that precedes sex.

    I’ve been thinking alot about looking into apprenticing under a professional Domme. It’s something that I’ve been interested in doing for years, and just never thought I actually could. It would also be really nice to get into some fetish modeling. Again, all things I don’t think The Boyfriend is 100% okay with.

    I keep having this internal argument with myself over the whole thing. Sometimes I wanna be like screw The Boyfriend, if he can’t handle who I am, he can leave. His choice. But other times, I just can’t imagine living my life without him. I sometimes want to throw my hands up and sacrifice this dream that I’ve been chasing for almost ten years now. And every time I get my hopes up that this relationship will eventually transform into the sexual relationship that I’m craving for it to be, something happens that just reminds me that it probably won’t ever get there.

    I’d be lucky to get sex more than once a week on a regular basis and not have to compete with porn all the time…

    WTMFI Wednesdays Button

    “R U LOL?”

    CherriesThis Week’s Questions

    1. Have you ever used your cellphone to send racy pictures or messages?
    2. Do you use a webcam for sexual purposes?
    3. How often do you have cyber sex?
    4. Do you use the internet to look at porn?
    5. Do you think X-rated content is too easy to access or too difficult?

    BONUS QUESTION:
    What’s your stance on long-distance online relationships?

    RULES

  • Each week, for Wednesday, you post answers to the five questions that are posted. You may answer all, or only one or two of the questions. You can post in whichever format works for you, be it video, poetry, answers, pictures or audio.
  • Insert the WTMFI Wednesdays image at the top of this post (get instructions here) into your post, linking back to The Rantings of a Tortured Mind – XXX Rated Edition at https://rantingsofatorturedmindxxx.wordpress.com
  • Leave a link to your post with the answered questions in the comments section of Wednesday’s WTMFI post. There is a special page for all the links that are submitted, so be sure to submit your links.
  • Have Fun!!!!
  • …Click the Read More button to see Valerie Rayne’s answers …

    (more…)

    I don’t want to start this post with “Last night…”, but I can’t seem to find any other way that seems appropriate for what I’m about to go into. So, last night… What was that movie from the 90’s with Kirsten Dunst? Crazy Beautiful, was it? That was what my experience was last night.

    The night started with playful spankings, that didn’t seem like they were going to get any more serious than what they were. Everyone was still awake, it was more of like a love tap, if you will. After it was just us awake, everything changed.

    I had been lazing around in a bra and a pair of jeans, because my house for some reason is incredibly warm. But then The Boyfriend asked if I’d go change into something a little shorter, so he could rub my legs, supposedly his favorite part of my body. I’m not one who really likes to show off a lot of skin. If it wasn’t for the fact that I was boiling hot, rarely would you catch me showing off my stomach!!

    So even though the playful spankings earlier in the night, and the rubbing of the legs had totally started to show on my underwear, my insecurities tried to cock block me. The Boyfriend gets me to turn to face him (originally I was laying down on my stomach), and immediately I just started thinking over and over again, “He’s gonna think you’re fat! He’s gonna think you’re ugly!”.

    He pulls the pillow that I was using as my stomach shield off, pulls me in close and gives me a deep, passionate, amazing kiss. Literally, in the moment of a kiss, I felt my insecurities fade. It was as if his lips took me out of my mind and into my body. I no longer thought, I just felt.

    My plan was to spend awhile teasing him until I had become satisfied with some sort of impact, whether it be spanking or him going to get the flogger. After a bunch of making out, a thousand more amazing kisses, and some smacking and forceful grabbing, I could no longer hold off.

    After what seemed like a really long time of me being on top of him, I knelt on the couch ready for him to take me from behind. I had my head resting on the back of the couch, supported by only my chin. And my fingers were eagerly between my legs. My skirt covered most of my ass, and my legs were spread wide as he pounded me from behind.

    After he came, I stayed in the same position, playing with myself as he spanked me. Seriously spanked me. Carefully slapping my sit spot, hard and fast. My ass was stinging, my pussy was swollen, my body was drenched in sweat. My toes pointed vigorously as a few blows fell in quick succession and I flinched away from them.

    I erupted into an intense, muscle-tightening orgasm. My legs went from bent flat on the couch, to pointed straight up towards my head. My body pushed down, and I felt like I wasn’t even there. Just my convulsing orgasm. It seemed so much bigger and greater than me.

    I felt weak and dizzy and sore and incredibly enlightened by the whole experience. Sadly, aftercare doesn’t seem to be part of sexual dictionary yet. Because even though it had some hardcore impact elements, it was treated like every other night of sex. Smoke and then bed. Even when we got in bed, The Boyfriend passed out the second his head hit the pillow, and he wasn’t even cuddling me.

    The whole thing was amazing, but I really feel like I could’ve used some cuddling and some reassurance that I did good. Maybe rubbing my sore red ass, or telling me how much fun it was. I wanted to collapse into someone’s arms, because that’s what I felt like doing.

    I haven’t completely talked to The Boyfriend about the fire pit or the munch this month either. He saw the post-it note that I wrote all the information on, and I told him about the personal invite, but I haven’t yet said I want to go. I’m kind of hoping he’ll be like, “I noticed you had some stuff written down, did you want to go to it?” and then I’d be all like, “Kinda. Do you?” and then in a perfect world, he’d be all like, “Yeah, I would love to go. I’ll make sure I don’t work that night.” and blam, it would be done.

    I just hate constantly feeling like I’m trying to convert him. Because I don’t want to change who he is, especially not sexually. If it’s not him, I don’t want him to feel pressured to do it.

    I originally posted this on FetLife, but thought I might also get some answers or support here.

    So I was going through my web history today, looking for a site I had visited awhile back and forgot to bookmark. As I’m flipping back pages, I find that The Boyfriend has been looking at porn. Three days this week. I don’t know how and I don’t know when, since the only time he’s awake and I’m not is when the kids are all awake, and he better not be watching or looking at porn while my kids are around him… I don’t think he would.

    What I don’t get is why it bothers me so freaking much. I watch porn, I’m a watcher of porn. I long to be in porn. And yet it boils my blood when I find out that my boyfriend watches porn. And it’s not just The Boyfriend, it’s been every boyfriend I’ve ever had.

    And it’s not like this huge insecurity issue for me. I used to think it was, but now I just don’t care about that aspect. I’ve come to terms with the fact that there’s hotter chicks in the world than me, and even then, he seems to like the “teen” stuff quite a bit, so most of the girls just look awkward. Nice bodies, ugly faces. But that’s not my issue with it.

    I’m not worried about him watching it, and if I were there, I probably wouldn’t care at all. Maybe it’s the fact that I don’t masturbate or watch porn by myself very often, so I’m like jealous that he pleasures himself sexually. But I don’t think that’s it either.

    It’s seriously so retarded. Logically, I know that it’s not like porn is this huge deal for most guys. It’s really not. It’s some visual stimulation, some audio, some great motivation. I know, or at least I’m pretty sure that I know, that he’s not looking at all these girls, wishing that I looked like them or acted like them. I’m pretty darn positive that we are both pretty happy with the way each other has sex. And I’ve never had anyone even come close to complaining about the way I am during sex. I’m a rather confident sexual person.

    But I see that someone’s been looking at porn on the computer, and I know that it could only be him, and I know that he did it while I’m in the house (because I’m never freaking out of the house!!!), and I literally just bubble with rage and I start to cry even though I don’t want to, and I feel like such an idiot for being angry about something that I myself find erotic. Can someone please explain what the hell is going on here?!?!?!?!?