Posts Tagged ‘Sexuality’

WTMFI Wednesdays Button

“Did What? With Who?”

CherriesThis Week’s Questions

  1. Have you ever cheated on someone? Have you ever been cheated on?
  2. Do you think monogamy is really possible?
  3. What has your longest relationship been? Were you faithful the entire time?
  4. Would you forgive someone who cheated on you?
  5. Who is the one celebrity you wouldn’t think twice about cheating on your partner with?

BONUS QUESTION:
Have you ever heard of Cuckoldry? Does it interest you?

RULES

  • Each week, for Wednesday, you post answers to the five questions that are posted. You may answer all, or only one or two of the questions. You can post in whichever format works for you, be it video, poetry, answers, pictures or audio.
  • Insert the WTMFI Wednesdays image at the top of this post (get instructions here) into your post, linking back to The Rantings of a Tortured Mind – XXX Rated Edition at https://rantingsofatorturedmindxxx.wordpress.com
  • Leave a link to your post with the answered questions in the comments section of Wednesday’s WTMFI post. There is a special page for all the links that are submitted, so be sure to submit your links.
  • Have Fun!!!!
  • …Click the Read More button to see Valerie Rayne’s answers …

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    So today, has not been a good day and I don’t think it’s going to get any better. Probably worse, but not better. As the kids and I are heading over to Mama T’s house today for an amazing barbecued dinner, The Boyfriend says he’s probably gonna go straight to sleep. And I say, “Yeah right, you’re probably gonna watch porn first.” and he goes, “I’ve been doing really good on not watching porn.” So I say, “Yeah but no one is going to be here.” He didn’t watch porn, but the whole entire conversation just sucked.

    I pointed out to him the other day that he watches porn more than we have sex! Well I go over to Mama T’s, a little snappy because I’m just not happy. She asks what’s up, and I go into this entire thing about our sex life. Start crying about it and everything. I’m just so freaking upset over this whole porn thing lately, and the fact that I’m only getting laid once a week and most of the time it’s completely vanilla sex, and The Boyfriend is constantly teasing me with adding BDSM to our lifestyle!!

    Then my Mom goes and says that I need to find a friend to talk to about all this stuff. A real human, not someone off the internet. And I just burst out into tears more. I have a hard enough time finding a person I like, let alone a person that’s going to like and accept me. I can’t talk to normal people about anything because all I ever want to talk about is sex.

    So of course, after bawling my eyes out over something as petty as The Boyfriend and porn and my lack of sex, I’ve come to the conclusion that maybe it’s time for me to seek some help for this whole thing. It feels like I’m trapped in this sexuality. I can’t be me, I can’t not be me. I can’t be the sexual being I long to be, because I can’t find a single fucking person to be there with me.

    I can’t even talk to other people about it, because no one else gets it. I just feel so sexually frustrated and stifled. And when I talk to the people in my life about it, it just scares them. I just don’t know what to do anymore. I feel so completely alone in this whole thing. This whole trying to discover who my sexual self is. And I hate that trying to get through this point right now, is being so hard. I hate that my sex life makes me cry…

    The preoccupation with sex is what’s starting to worry me. There doesn’t seem to be many moments in the day when I’m not thinking about it, or wanting it or writing about it or reading about it. It just always seems to be on my mind. I don’t want it to ever get to the point where I can’t control it. And sometimes I don’t even think I can do that now.

    It’ll get to the point where I want it all the time, and I’ll do anything to get it. And I don’t want it to get there. That scares me. So I’m thinking some sex addiction therapy might help me out. But even that scares me. I like that I’m sexual and open. But I hate that I can’t be, because I don’t know a single other person who is even a little bit like me.

    I’m just so lost…

    Yes, sadly, I am one of those fools who follows things like gut instincts and looks for signs to make decisions about things. Not about everyday things, mostly about things to do with me personally.

    When The Boyfriend and I first got together, it was a sign to me that within days of starting to date, I was writing songs like they were going out of style. Yesterday, another one of these signs came along, and it was further confirmed tonight, so I think this month is going to be an exciting month.

    I got a personal invite to a fire pit on FetLife. Unfortunately, it was extremely short notice and when you’ve got four kids, everything requires at least 24 hour notice. But luckily, the last one went so good that they’re holding another one right away. I replied back with a “Sorry I didn’t make it”, and got invited to the next fire pit and the upcoming munch.

    This is my entire problem with anything BDSM-related though, especially where community is concerned. First of all, I don’t feel like I belong there. I hardly participate in BDSM at home, let alone outside of the house. Second, it seems to be more and more of a struggle to get The Boyfriend truly interested in this whole thing. I can’t even really say that though, because it’s not that he’s not interested.

    He’ll find things, like K-Nex pieces, and decide they’d make awesome whipping toys. Every once and awhile he’ll say something or describe a scenario that is extremely kinky. Rarely does he ever follow through on anything.

    Until I get better acquainted with my local scene, I want to always be going with someone I know. And since I don’t really know the people in my local scene, I’d really like for my boyfriend to tag along with me. But I don’t want him there if it’s not something that truly interests him.

    Plus, everything seems to land on days when he works. And while I’m sure, if I asked him to, he’d miss sleep to be able to participate, again don’t really want to be dragging him along.

    The other day, I was going off about sex to The Boyfriend, as I usually do. He said something along the lines of, “Sometimes you scare me”, and that’s been sticking with me pretty hard these last couple of days. He didn’t mean it, or at least he claims he didn’t mean it, in the “your sexuality scares me” kind of way, he’s more worried that he’s not going to satisfy my sexual needs and I’ll go off and find someone who will. But it’s not the first time someone’s said that particular thing to me, and not meant that I was going to off cheating on them.

    It sucks that I hardly have sex, but that my sexuality scares people just because I like it rougher than most. I hate that it scares people that I’m constantly thinking about sex. I could understand it more if I was more perverted about it. Like if I was constantly thinking about having sex. But I’m not.

    Most of the time when I’m talking about sex, it’s about science and sex. Sexual statistics, sexual facts that most people wouldn’t know, and every once and awhile, I’ll talk about my own sexuality. It just seems so odd to me that for as long as humans have been on earth, they’ve been having sex, and  yet those of us who talk about it, are frowned upon. Are dirty, perverted, sex addicts.

    Hopefully one day, The Boyfriend (preferred) or someone else, will come somewhere close to the same level of sexual desire, or whatever you want to call what I feel, as I do. Because it’s beginning to be a lonely existence. I just want to be able to intelligently discuss sexuality, without the entire purpose being to have sex, with someone. I want someone to pass some sexual knowledge on to me, instead of me always passing on to them. I feel like a freak because I’m the only person I know with this particular interest, an interest that I can’t even completely define…

    I originally posted this on FetLife, but thought I might also get some answers or support here.

    So I was going through my web history today, looking for a site I had visited awhile back and forgot to bookmark. As I’m flipping back pages, I find that The Boyfriend has been looking at porn. Three days this week. I don’t know how and I don’t know when, since the only time he’s awake and I’m not is when the kids are all awake, and he better not be watching or looking at porn while my kids are around him… I don’t think he would.

    What I don’t get is why it bothers me so freaking much. I watch porn, I’m a watcher of porn. I long to be in porn. And yet it boils my blood when I find out that my boyfriend watches porn. And it’s not just The Boyfriend, it’s been every boyfriend I’ve ever had.

    And it’s not like this huge insecurity issue for me. I used to think it was, but now I just don’t care about that aspect. I’ve come to terms with the fact that there’s hotter chicks in the world than me, and even then, he seems to like the “teen” stuff quite a bit, so most of the girls just look awkward. Nice bodies, ugly faces. But that’s not my issue with it.

    I’m not worried about him watching it, and if I were there, I probably wouldn’t care at all. Maybe it’s the fact that I don’t masturbate or watch porn by myself very often, so I’m like jealous that he pleasures himself sexually. But I don’t think that’s it either.

    It’s seriously so retarded. Logically, I know that it’s not like porn is this huge deal for most guys. It’s really not. It’s some visual stimulation, some audio, some great motivation. I know, or at least I’m pretty sure that I know, that he’s not looking at all these girls, wishing that I looked like them or acted like them. I’m pretty darn positive that we are both pretty happy with the way each other has sex. And I’ve never had anyone even come close to complaining about the way I am during sex. I’m a rather confident sexual person.

    But I see that someone’s been looking at porn on the computer, and I know that it could only be him, and I know that he did it while I’m in the house (because I’m never freaking out of the house!!!), and I literally just bubble with rage and I start to cry even though I don’t want to, and I feel like such an idiot for being angry about something that I myself find erotic. Can someone please explain what the hell is going on here?!?!?!?!?

    Last night, The Boyfriend and I pulled out the flogger for the second time. And, if you can believe it, this time was even better than the first time. After spending two days straight writing The Brighton Tales on The Erotica of a Tortured Mind, my mind was whirring with thoughts of sex and BDSM. So you can imagine my excitement when The Boyfriend decided to call in sick, just in case we got called up to the hospital to see my brother.

    So after hours had passed, and I finally got off the computer, The Boyfriend grabbed the flogger from downstairs. I’ve been incredibly sore these last couple of days and have been having alot of problems with knees. I’ve been taking these anti-inflammatories that are supposed to help, but I don’t think they are. I almost think they’re making it worse.

    It started with a playful ass rub (which I love getting. Apparently, I hold a large amount of stress in my ass muscles ;)) Then he started playing with the flogger. Time passed as he played with the flogger, gently tapping my ass with it, and I rolled onto my stomach.

    The flogger started out as a foreplay to sex, and within minutes of gentle flogging, The Boyfriend was inside me. I left my hair down (which I almost never do), and it kept getting in my face. The Boyfriend kept trying to gather it, because he likes to pull on it.

    After he came, I stayed laying on my stomach on the couch, and masturbated while he flogged me. He started off soft, and then slowly got harder and harder, until my skin was flaming beneath the flogging. I’d lift my foot, and he’d stop to rub my darkening ass, bending over and kissing it gently.

    He was nailing a very nice figure eight, and the sensation was crazy, the sound of the whip whirring through the air. I was shaking so bad, and more than once came right to the brink of orgasm. Then he’d stop flogging and just gently brush the falls over my skin, the latex tickling my inner thighs. After a long time on my ass, to the point where it started turning purple, I asked him to move to my legs and try my thighs and calves.

    It was obvious that he wasn’t as comfortable with the legs as he was with my ass, as he very gently hit my legs. He moved back to my ass and began doing a figure eight again, this time much harder and much faster. The harder and faster he went, the harder and faster I played with myself. Until finally, after probably close to half an hour of flogging, my muscles all contracted, my back arched and I experienced an incredible orgasm.

    It seemed to last forever, and by the end of it, every limb of my body felt like al dente noodles. I laid limply for at least five minutes, trying my hardest to catch my breath. After looking at my ass, we were sure that today I would have a hard time sitting down and that I would have at least one bruise to show for it.

    Today, after pulling an all-nighter after the flogging last night, there are no visible signs that a flogging ever happened. There’s no problems sitting down, then the problems that I already have sitting down thanks to my knees, back and hip.

    I think The Boyfriend is much kinkier than he’s willing to admit. As he wielded that flogger with a great deal of skill, every single time, he’d get hard. This flogger was the best thing I ever bought!

    I’ve been working really hard today on various blog stuff, mostly getting The Art Of... up and running. I’ve decided to set up a different blog for it, since I felt like I couldn’t get the flexibility I desired out of presenting it solely as a series here on The XXX Rated Rantings. I’m hoping to have my first lesson posted by the end of this month, though the research is killing me.

    I spent probably close to three hours today, going through definitions on Wikipedia and looking for more beginner type information. I figure for the first couple of lessons, I’ll take more of a beginners focus and carry it onwards from there. I don’t think that I have the authority to really write about advanced BDSM techniques and activities, when I myself am still just a mere newbie.

    It wasn’t supposed to be like this either. I figured after Alfie and I broke up, that I would spend at least a year just experimenting with my sexuality. Experiencing more BDSM and kink. Especially being that I haven’t really gotten to experience BDSM anywhere near the degree that I’d like to be experiencing it at. But then I met The Boyfriend, and he’s not kinky really at all, but he’s too amazing for me to just pass up. Plus, he’s always shown a hidden interest in the more kinky.

    Before I got pregnant, and up until about my 5th or 6th month, we had gotten into spanking quite a bit. Had a couple really intense sessions. My favourite one, which we even have pictures from, I got all dressed up and put on some make up (which doesn’t happen nearly as often as I wish it did). The Boyfriend had me lean over the ottoman in the living room, and it was just such an amazing experience.

    I had been asking him for months to use a hairbrush as a spanking tool. I wanted to feel the harsh, thuddy impact and then feel the bristles of the brush dragged along the redness. The Boyfriend made it even better by grabbing an ice cube and melting all over the spots he had spanked and then dragging the bristles across my skin. I had such a hard time staying still.

    Since I had my last, we’ve only had one sex session which involved spanking, and it was so mild, you could technically call it love taps or sex taps. Not a real spanking. I’ve been craving one so bad too. I’d love for him to spank me and call me a dirty whore, but he says he won’t ever call me something that’s “disrespectful”. I just laugh hysterically every time he says it.

    The thing that sucks most about doing all this research about BDSM, is I really realize what I’m missing out on. I’m so jealous of the people that get to live in this lifestyle 24/7 or even just casually on weekends. I want to be one of those people. I’m determined that one day I will be. Though I can’t even know that for sure, maybe in reality, I’m not actually into BDSM. Just into the idea of it.

    One thing that I’ve always been interested in receiving as a submissive is sort of behaviour modification, if you will. I would like rules about the way I am to conduct my day and myself. I would like a punishment if I sleep in past a certain time, or don’t have breakfast made by a certain time. I would like workouts and healthy eating to be part of my rules. I would like to have someone to be accountable to, other than myself. I think it would be very powerful, and I think my life would change dramatically.

    Today, I did a 20 minute workout on my Wii Your Shape game. The whole time, I kept thinking, I would be much more motivated to do this workout if I knew that if I didn’t, I would have consequences. Such as, The Boyfriend teases me all day and then denies me orgasm because I didn’t complete my workout, or didn’t give 100% or whatever the stipulations that we agree upon are.

    I think, once I’ve got breast feeding a little more under control, and have some sort of pumping schedule, I’m gonna start going to munches again. The last time The Boyfriend and I went, it truly sparked his interest. That night, all I heard about was how much he thought the idea of tying me up was arousing. It helped that everyone at the munch was so excepting and eager to teach the “vanilla” boyfriend. I think that really made him feel comfortable and more willing to learn than I could’ve ever made him.

    And trust me, I had tried alot prior to the munch. I would leave websites for him to look at, I would search for interesting pictures and show them to him, I would try to read erotica to him. He never really showed interest until that first munch. After that, I would literally say “I want a spanking” and I would get one. Now, it’s hard to just get vanilla sex, which is a little disappointing.

    I wish I could learn everything I wanted to know, in one spot, without having to spend hours and hours searching to find it. I mean, there’s just so much about sex and sexuality and BDSM and fetishes that I want to know more about. I suppose a really smart person would probably tell me that I won’t learn half of the things that I really want to know, until I myself experience it. It’s much like having sex. People can tell you a thousand times about their experiences with sex, and the medical parts of sex. Yet, it’s never what you expect it to be.

    Well I think that’s all I have to write today. Maybe again tomorrow? We’ll see!