Posts Tagged ‘Support’

I originally posted this on FetLife, but thought I might also get some answers or support here.

So I was going through my web history today, looking for a site I had visited awhile back and forgot to bookmark. As I’m flipping back pages, I find that The Boyfriend has been looking at porn. Three days this week. I don’t know how and I don’t know when, since the only time he’s awake and I’m not is when the kids are all awake, and he better not be watching or looking at porn while my kids are around him… I don’t think he would.

What I don’t get is why it bothers me so freaking much. I watch porn, I’m a watcher of porn. I long to be in porn. And yet it boils my blood when I find out that my boyfriend watches porn. And it’s not just The Boyfriend, it’s been every boyfriend I’ve ever had.

And it’s not like this huge insecurity issue for me. I used to think it was, but now I just don’t care about that aspect. I’ve come to terms with the fact that there’s hotter chicks in the world than me, and even then, he seems to like the “teen” stuff quite a bit, so most of the girls just look awkward. Nice bodies, ugly faces. But that’s not my issue with it.

I’m not worried about him watching it, and if I were there, I probably wouldn’t care at all. Maybe it’s the fact that I don’t masturbate or watch porn by myself very often, so I’m like jealous that he pleasures himself sexually. But I don’t think that’s it either.

It’s seriously so retarded. Logically, I know that it’s not like porn is this huge deal for most guys. It’s really not. It’s some visual stimulation, some audio, some great motivation. I know, or at least I’m pretty sure that I know, that he’s not looking at all these girls, wishing that I looked like them or acted like them. I’m pretty darn positive that we are both pretty happy with the way each other has sex. And I’ve never had anyone even come close to complaining about the way I am during sex. I’m a rather confident sexual person.

But I see that someone’s been looking at porn on the computer, and I know that it could only be him, and I know that he did it while I’m in the house (because I’m never freaking out of the house!!!), and I literally just bubble with rage and I start to cry even though I don’t want to, and I feel like such an idiot for being angry about something that I myself find erotic. Can someone please explain what the hell is going on here?!?!?!?!?