Posts Tagged ‘The Boyfriend’

He hasn’t watched porn in awhile. He claims it’s been since I sent him the nasty Facebook message (and that he has had no desire to do so), though I’m pretty positive last week someone watched porn, because the web history was deleted and the only time that gets done by the guy in my life is right after he watches porn.

And I hate that he’s put an effort in, and I just can’t freaking trust him at all on this matter. With everything else, I don’t have any trust issues. But with porn, I just always think he’s wanting to watch it and that he hates me because I’ve asked him not to. And it’s not like I expect him to never watch porn again, I just don’t want it to be this thing where he sneaks around behind my back, doesn’t ever tell me about it, and where he’s looking at what he looks at. I don’t want to constantly feel insecure because any day, he would rather look at Skanky McSkankerson, and hardly cares to look at me.

It pisses me off more than anything that he knows that I’m having all these image issues, and I don’t feel very comfortable talking about them. More than once, the conversation ends with, “You’ll have to read my blog!”, and I feel like he doesn’t care when he doesn’t read my blog, or even push me until I tell him what’s up. And I feel like his lack of sensitivity is making it all that much worse.

I absolutely don’t want this to be the reason we break up. My insecurities and hatred of him watching porn. But everytime that it upsets me, I just see exactly how it’s going to play out in the future. And I see both of us being completely unhappy for a really long time, and then one day, one of us (most likely him) will just wake up and say, “I’ve had enough of this!”, especially from him. It must suck to not be trusted when you haven’t done anything at all wrong.

I’m just despising the lack of communication about anything. I want so badly for him to tell me what it is about porn that keeps him watching it. I want for him to convince me that he never wishes he could have a busty, anorexic porn star, because he’s got the best, most beautiful girl in the world sitting right next to him. Everytime I think about him watching porn, the whole “I hope she’s not chunky” comment just repeats over and over again through my head, and I just think that there’s no way he could possibly be attracted to me. And it feels super super crappy. I think about him watching porn and I want to burst out into tears.

This morning, I had the opportunity to sleep in. Both of us have been incredibly exhausted lately, so sex has kind of gone on the back burner. So he gets up out of bed this morning and asks if I want to sleep in and I say sure. Most mornings, if I’m sleeping in, he’ll go grab all the kids out of their rooms and then come upstairs to give them breakfast. While this morning, he left the kids in their rooms and came upstairs. My first thought was, “He’s planning on watching porn!”. So I went and sent all the kids upstairs to try to hinder it before it happened.

A little bit after all the kids were upstairs, the house was incredibly warm, I decided I couldn’t sleep. He already had the internet hooked up to the PC, and I was like, “You were planning on watching porn this morning, eh?”, and like I usually do, I said it all joking style. I got a very lippy, “No actually, I was planning on playing Warcraft!” reply back. No sensitivity, no compassion, just made to feel worse for being this crazy bitch that I am. A couple minutes pass, and he pulls out the internet wire, throws it onto the ottoman. So instead of him playing Warcraft, I’m now blogging about my issues with stupid porn.

This is the thing that’s making it all so much worse right now. I’ve lost some weight. I don’t know how or why. Even though, I’m still having an issue with all my pants fitting (I think it’s my hips!), I’ve lost 3 inches around my waist. I personally, think it’s very noticeable, more so with my shirt off than on. Unless I’ve just finished eating, the pooch is getting smaller. When I look behind me, my ribs don’t pinch the fat in the middle of my back. When I lean forward, my boobs no longer have a place to rest. I even pointed it out to The Boyfriend the other day, to which I got no real response to.

Like, that’s another one of those things that is just so hard for me. Why can’t he just agree with me? I’m not saying he has to say nice things about me all the time, but when I’m saying nice things about myself, why can’t you just say something like, “You’re right” or “I’ve noticed that too” or anything that just makes it seem like he sees what I see, and I’m not just some loony laying on the couch next to him.

It sucks, because in so many areas lately, it’s been nothing but happiness between us. And I’m not saying that he’s not been saying nice things at all. It’s not like he’s some big meanie or anything. And it’s not like he intentionally is the way that he is. Not only is it his built in defense mechanism to not open up alot, it’s hard for him to express the feelings that he has. I don’t know why it is, because it’s not like he has a problem expressing emotion when it comes to writing a story. But to show that he has any emotions outside of happy and sad/mad, is pretty much impossible for him to do.

I think I’ve just been hyper-sensitive these last couple of days. And I don’t see it changing anytime soon. So everyday that passes and he doesn’t show an interest (and by an interest, I mean read) any of the blogs or websites in The Rantings Network, or that he doesn’t think to say super nice things to me after I’ve just degraded myself, the more sensitive I get, the more un-trusting I get, and the more upset I get. And I know exactly where it goes to after that, and I’m doing as much as I can to make sure that it doesn’t get there, and now I’m just waiting for him to do the same.

I wish that he’d just read my blog. But I think that he would take all of it wrong. I think that my words are easily misinterpreted, and I don’t see it because it’s my words and I understand them. I just wish he knew more what was going on inside my head about all this stuff, so that he could understand more what it’s like from my perspective. And I do not, under almost any circumstances, want to sit there and tell him because (a) it’s harder to explain and (b) it’s awkward and uncomfortable and so far my experience is that I never get the response I’m hoping for. At least in my blog, I describe in length exactly what I want him to say and how I want him to react. But I guess I’m just too mean to him in the blogosphere or something. I still don’t see it, but whatever…

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WTMFI Wednesdays Button

“That’s Tight”

CherriesThis Week’s Questions

  1. What are your thoughts on anal sex? Have you ever had it?
  2. Do you enjoy watching porn with anal sex?
  3. If you’ve had anal sex, what was your first time like? If you haven’t had anal sex and want to, what do you hope for your anal sex experience?
  4. Do you own any sex toys for anal penetration? If not, do you want to?
  5. Do you always use condoms or do you sometimes allow bareback?

BONUS QUESTION:
What are your thoughts on society’s negative views of anal sex?

RULES

  • Each week, for Wednesday, you post answers to the five questions that are posted. You may answer all, or only one or two of the questions. You can post in whichever format works for you, be it video, poetry, answers, pictures or audio.
  • Insert the WTMFI Wednesdays image at the top of this post (get instructions here) into your post, linking back to The Rantings of a Tortured Mind – XXX Rated Edition at https://rantingsofatorturedmindxxx.wordpress.com
  • Leave a link to your post with the answered questions in the comments section of Wednesday’s WTMFI post. There is a special page for all the links that are submitted, so be sure to submit your links.
  • Have Fun!!!!
  • CherriesThis Week’s Answers

    Question 1:
    What are your thoughts on anal sex? Have you ever had it?

    I have had anal sex (Thank you Boyfriend!), and still have varying thoughts on it. Some days, I’m all for it and think it’s sexy, other days I think it’s risky and dangerous and not something I want to participate in. But like I’ve said here before, I have no problems when it comes to finger penetration. It’s just the penis to anus penetration.

    Question 2:
    Do you enjoy watching porn with anal sex?

    When I was younger than I am now, and first started watching porn, the anal scenes would disgust me. I still cringe when they pull someone’s ass cheeks apart and you just see this huge gaping hole. But I’ve come to accept that it’s going to be there.

    The only time I enjoy watching porn with anal sex in it, is when it’s double penetration. I don’t know what it is about watching double penetration, but it turns me on so much and gets me off so fast!

    Question 3:
    If you’ve had anal sex, what was your first time like? If you haven’t had anal sex and want to, what do you hope for your anal sex experience?

    I had attempted to have anal sex many many times before actually successfully having anal sex. And with every boyfriend I had had sex with, we tried anal sex, and every time it would start to hurt too much and I’d tell them to stop.

    A couple months after The Boyfriend and I were together, we gave it a try. I was really nervous and he knew it, and in this calm and smooth voice, he gently talked me through it and was very responsive to my body. At any point that I’d even just flinch, he’d go very easy and tell me I was doing great or that I was such a good girl. He was behind me and we were on our sides, and he’d reach up and stroke my back or my hair, and he was just very gentle and very sweet and I became incredibly relaxed. Moments later he was pulling out cumming, and if I remember correctly so was I.

    It was amazing and it felt so intimate, instead of kind of dirty like before. We’ve only probably done it once or twice since then, but that first time was incredible.

    Question 4:
    Do you own any sex toys for anal penetration? If not, do you want to?

    No I don’t own any, yes I want to. I’ve always wanted to don a strap-on. And I’ve always wanted to use anal beads on someone else. For use on me, only because I know The Boyfriend wants it, we need to get a dildo so he can be fucking me while using the dildo on my ass. I’d like to get The Boyfriend a cute little butt plug, though I don’t know how into that idea he is. But I’d like to get my vaginal and clitoral toys and some BDSM gear out of the way before making anal purchases.

    Question 5:
    Do you always use condoms or do you sometimes allow bareback?

    I’d like to say that I always used condoms, but it’s just not true. I almost always allow bareback. I’m not worried about getting any STD’s from The Boyfriend, so condoms almost never cross my mind. Lube is an absolute must though, lots of it!!!

    BONUS QUESTION:
    What are your thoughts on society’s negative views of anal sex?

    The same thoughts I have on society’s negative views of sexuality in general. I think it’s bogus and unnecessary. I hate that we’re a society of sexual beings, whether we like it or not, because that’s our biology, and yet it’s still so taboo to talk about sex, or sell sexual products, or own a sexual business, or write a sexual story. Even though it’s been happening for centuries, guys are still all uncomfortable about the idea of anal penetration, because they’re guys. Like I just think we need to be able to be open and honest and communicative and sexual, because that’s how we were designed. We should be allowed to freely express that!

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    WTMFI Wednesdays Button

    “WOULD YOU RATHER…”

    CherriesThis Week’s Questions

    1. Would you rather have quick sex OR very long sex (don’t include foreplay!)?
    2. Would you rather you orgasm every time, OR your partner orgasming every time (only one of you gets to cum)?
    3. Would you rather have a super intense and completely meaningless sex session OR an average, intimate and deeply personal sex session?
    4. Would you rather have more foreplay and less sex OR less foreplay and more sex?
    5. Would you rather roll over and fall asleep after sex OR take a shower and then cuddle?

    BONUS QUESTION:
    Would you rather dirty talk such as, “I love your tight/big pussy/cock. I’m gonna fuck you/pound me because you’re/I’m such a whore!” OR soft, gentle and romantic talk such as, “You are the most wonderful person in the world. I love that you do this. I want you so bad.”?

    RULES

  • Each week, for Wednesday, you post answers to the five questions that are posted. You may answer all, or only one or two of the questions. You can post in whichever format works for you, be it video, poetry, answers, pictures or audio.
  • Insert the WTMFI Wednesdays image at the top of this post (get instructions here) into your post, linking back to The Rantings of a Tortured Mind – XXX Rated Edition at https://rantingsofatorturedmindxxx.wordpress.com
  • Leave a link to your post with the answered questions in the comments section of Wednesday’s WTMFI post. There is a special page for all the links that are submitted, so be sure to submit your links.
  • Have Fun!!!! (more…)
  • Last night, The Boyfriend and I were so lucky. My Mom took the kids overnight, and we got to go out, just the two of us. It rarely happens, so you can imagine the relief we both felt.

    I had mentioned a fire pit event that I was interested in going to, hosted by BUD for the Bodies Under Domination group of FetLife. His was also the first munch I ever successfully attended. There was also a munch today that I was hoping to go to, but no babysitter unfortunately.

    The Boyfriend basically said that it would be cool to go, but made no strides in doing so. Yesterday, we went to the exercise park with the kids and my Mom came outside with us, so without even consulting The Boyfriend, I just asked if she would watch the kids so that I could go to the fire pit. I had made the decision by that point that I was going, regardless of his decision.

    But then, he seemed excited about it and we spent the next two hours rushing around getting the kids and ourselves ready to go. Then we went out to the fire pit. There was only two others there besides The Boyfriend and I. But it ended up working out so much in our favor that it didn’t even matter.

    After sitting out at the fire pit, just shooting the shit, we got into my favorite parts of the conversation. One thing lead to another, and one of the people is pulling out a bag of toys. So we head inside, set up a table, and lay out a huge duffle bag full of toys.

    From long 24″ leather floggers, to crops and canes and even shoes and over-sized fly swatter, I just sat mesmerized. Both The Boyfriend and I were just staring in amazement at the delights that laid before us. Then came the touching. Each toy was picked up, carefully inspected. After I was done looking at anything, I’d hand it to The Boyfriend, and he’d inspect it.

    Then I asked a question about flogging, and next thing you know, guy with bag is standing there while BUD shows me on him how to do some basic flogging swings. Then, the most exciting part happened. BUD tells me, just try to hit him with it. I had picked out a 24″ Red and Black Leather flogger. I was incredibly nervous.

    This person wasn’t my boyfriend, I had just met him that night, and I was so flustered and giddy. But I got a few good swings in (very gentle swings, but good technique), and it was a very good educational experience. I learnt ALOT!!!! Then I got to try out this really awesome slapper that The Boyfriend and I are both seriously wanting.

    The Boyfriend stood in the background, carefully watching me. I was so nervous that he’d be upset that I was flogging someone else, and I didn’t even think to ask him if he was okay with it until I had already started. When we left, he said that he just felt very excited for me. I felt very excited too.

    After some practicing with the flogger, and getting tons of really usefully tips, and playing with a slapper, we went back out to the pit and talked some more. Then The Boyfriend came home. The night, from that point on, was filled with more communication than I ever think we’ve experienced together.

    On the way home, we mostly talked about the entire experience of the night. He shared what he thought and felt, and I just kept thinking that he sounded so into it. Then I asked, completely outright without any type of insecurity involved, if I looked good wielding a big flogger, to which I got a speedy “Yes”.

    So we stopped at one of The Boyfriend’s friends houses, and a Chris Rock special was on the Comedy Network. He was telling a joke about once a guy has sex that he likes, he always wants his sex like that. Something to do with girls licking anus‘. To which The Boyfriend’s friend was overwhelming disgusted. This friend and I are both very stubborn people. I’m stubborn in my open-mindedness and acceptance of thing, and he’s stubborn in his close-mindedness. So we get into a mini argument about why he wouldn’t even consider letting a girl go anywhere near his ass.

    So on the remainder of the drive home, The Boyfriend and I were mostly talking about anal play with males. I’m kind of known for being that girl that introduces guys to that whole thing. With every boyfriend I’ve had up to this point in my life, I’m the one that suggests a finger in the ass for them, and I’m the one to do it. I even have an entire technique and system.

    And it’s not like I’m some pervert obsessed with ass play type deal. It is purely this rule that I have about sexual acts in general. You can’t ever say that you don’t like something without trying it first. Anatomically, the male G-spot is against his prostate gland, which can only be accessed via perineum stimulation and anal penetration. I haven’t personally found my own G-spot, but if it feels as good as people say it does, than why would anyone not want to experience it?

    The trick is to warm a guy up to it. And they sure as hell aren’t going to let you do it to them, if they don’t get to do it to you. This may be completely different for older people, in a kinkier world. But in my young, mostly vanilla world, you have to receive to be allowed to give, and vice versa.

    I tend to love to play with balls, it’s just one of my things. Balls and pre-cum, I can’t get enough of it. I’d probably make a pretty good guy 😉 So when I decide that we’re finally at a point in the relationship, where he trusts me with his body (basically, if he’ll let you tie him up or cover his eyes, then you’re probably okay to give it a try), I’ll begin playing with his balls. I’ll reach as low as I can, and take both balls in my hands. Slowly I make my way to his perineum, just very gently touching it.

    Then you apply a little bit of pressure. It’s always great in that area to keep your finger flat against his perineum, that way there’s less of a chance of scratching anything with nails. Generally, it’s a very gradual thing. I think once you decide that you really want to get a finger in your boyfriend’s butt, you should take your time and slowly build up to it. You don’t want him freaking out about it, and telling you know. You’d rather him tell you that he’s ready for it. This could take a couple of days, a couple of months or years.

    Guys that I know and have successfully penetrated anally, are normally not into the idea of it at all. Prior to meeting me, they had never really had a desire to have anything in their anus. Exit only type of people. Most times, I don’t ask them or discuss it with them, I just ease them into the idea of it with simple techniques until eventually they grab the lube an ask for it themselves.

    It normally takes me a minimum of three serious “I’m into it” sessions, before the big first penetration session. He’s oblivious to the fact that I have any interest in it. So the first time, I grab his balls and lift them up, just gently running the flat of my finger from the bottom of his balls to his perineum just a little bit and very gently. The next session, I’ll rub his balls and slowly move until my finger is mostly on his perineum, gently rubbing in a circular motion. On the third time, I cover his entire perineum with my finger, and as I rub in a circular motion, I gently dip the tip of my finger just where it’s touching his anus. Do that a few more times, and soon after that, it will be when you least expect it, he’ll whisper in your ear and next thing you know, you’ll be gently working your way into his anus.

    My top rules are always always always use lube. There is never a time when you enter someone’s anus that you shouldn’t be using lube. The anus has no natural lubrication, and the friction can cause tearing, which can cause even more problems. Another rule is to go very gently to start out with. You don’t want the person to clench up and potentially tear or cause other damage.

    So far, I have found two very specific things to do that seems to be of great enjoyment, though would love any suggestions if you have any. As I’m normally on the bottom, and he’s normally on top, and we’re normally having sex at the point of penetration, I can really only give suggestions on that position, though I’m sure if you mixed it up more you could do some other great things.

    When he’s pumping in and out of me quickly, I tend to just flick my finger back and forth. Then when he slows, gently pulling my finger back and forth. I try to never let my finger come out of his ass, because I know from my own anal explorations that once it’s out it’s very hard for me to get to the point where I’m okay with it going back in. Also the closer you get to the outside of his anus, the more he’s going to tighten up, and again you don’t want to be pushing back inside him while he’s all clenched. So just slow and gentle movements. When he wants it harder, he’ll push against your finger. I don’t even think they do it on purpose, I think it’s just the bodies reaction to it.

    I wasn’t planning on going off about that so much… But it was basically what I told The Boyfriend. I’m the vanilla male anal breaker 😉

    So after hours of communicating, talking about what we both seem to like and dislike about various aspects of BDSM, story-telling and more, we had planned to play games, but then everything just ended up turning sexual.

    We had sex with the lights on for the first time in months! I felt incredibly uncomfortable, but at the same time I was so excited about the fact that I could be as noisy as I wanted, that I hardly even noticed. My favorite thing about having the light on, is I could tell every single time he looked at me. I’ve always loved that about sex. That exchange. I feel like we connect on a very deep level when we’re fucking each other, and then just slow down and stare into each others eyes. Even when we’re having rough, crazy, dirty sex it feels so intimate and passionate.

    After what felt like a long time, but was less than 30 minutes, The Boyfriend came and once we cleaned up a little, it was my turn to cum. He was rubbing my legs as I rhythmically played with my clit. After awhile of this he finally put his finger in my pussy, and within seconds I was cumming, my entire body clenching frantically. We fell asleep almost immediately after that, him holding me and me holding him.

    Last night was an incredible night. From the amazing, educational fire pit, to the intimate and loud sex, I can’t wait for more nights like that!

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    WTMFI Wednesdays Button

    “And I Will Always Love You”

    CherriesThis Week’s Questions

    1. How did you and your partner meet? Did you know immediately that they were the one for you? How long after you met did you start dating?
    2. What’s your favorite thing that your partner does? What’s your least favorite thing that your partner does?
    3. What’s something you wish your partner would do more of, either sexually or non-sexually, or both?
    4. What’s everyone’s thoughts on PDA’s (Public Displays of Affection)?
    5. What’s the kinkiest thing you have done with your partner?

    BONUS QUESTION:
    Are you forever kind of people and believe that you are going to be together for the rest of your lives? Or are you more of a live by the moment type of couple, and you’ll see what each coming day is like?

    RULES

  • Each week, for Wednesday, you post answers to the five questions that are posted. You may answer all, or only one or two of the questions. You can post in whichever format works for you, be it video, poetry, answers, pictures or audio.
  • Insert the WTMFI Wednesdays image at the top of this post (get instructions here) into your post, linking back to The Rantings of a Tortured Mind – XXX Rated Edition at https://rantingsofatorturedmindxxx.wordpress.com
  • Leave a link to your post with the answered questions in the comments section of Wednesday’s WTMFI post. There is a special page for all the links that are submitted, so be sure to submit your links.
  • Have Fun!!!!
  • (more…)

    I hate that I have such a problem with The Boyfriend being sexual without me. From porn to masturbating, I have such a problem with him watching or doing either of those things, without me. It shouldn’t bug me.

    I’m the most accepting person I know of the fact that we are all sexual beings with sexual needs and desires. I understand watching porn or masturbating. And yet, just the idea of The Boyfriend masturbating while I’m not there, makes me automatically angry.

    For some reason, I’ve been having trust issues with The Boyfriend. He hasn’t done anything at all to deserve it. If anyone has any rights to trust issues, it’s him, not me. And yet I’m almost always saying to him, “I don’t trust you”, especially in all sorts of sexual areas. From did he watch porn (which he hasn’t, and if he has he’s done a spectacular job of hiding it), to is he enjoying having sex with me.

    I think it’s partially this immature thought that just because I don’t watch porn or masturbate unless he’s there, that he should just do the same. And that’s unfair for me to ask for. Especially being that guys normally watch porn and masturbate for different reasons than girls do – or at least that’s my theory. I just wish I could figure out the cause of the anger so that I could work towards getting over it.

    Today he asks how late Alfie stayed over last night. I don’t ever lie to him about when Alfie was here, because I need to earn back the trust that I lost, and honesty is the number one step to that. I know it bothers him more than anything when Alfie comes over, and I often rationalize with him that Alfie is my only “friend”, my one connection to the outside world that doesn’t consist solely of kids. So he goes and says that every time I let Alfie come over after he leaves for work, he should get to do something that makes me upset. And since the only thing that I’ve ever stated makes me upset is watching porn, he’s basically saying every time Alfie comes over, he’s gonna watch porn.

    I said to him, “I hate that you put Alfie and porn in the same category”, because they’re not. Porn is not the father of three of his children, and porn is not the one person he’s considered to be his best friend in the entire world for the last six, almost seven years. Plus, porn doesn’t just show up on his doorstep! Porn doesn’t call him every night and make him feel guilty when he says no to it. Alfie does all that and more. Saying yes to him coming over at night is a thousand times better for everyone, than saying no. Because than we don’t have to deal with immature, dramatic bullshit that Alfie would pull!

    I think if he started watching porn as a type of punishment for me hanging out with my only friend (though, if Alfie and I didn’t have kids and such a history, we probably wouldn’t be friends), it would only make things worse. It would halfway drive me to Alfie, because I’d need someone to vent my frustrations to. It’s such a complicated situation, and I need to determine a way to make it less complicated…

    Tons to write about tonight… From unsanitary stripper hot tubs to the most exciting part of my day, hopefully I’ll be able to keep it together 😉

    So first big bit of news, guess what I got today?!?!?!? I’ve been saying I wanted one for years, and guess what folks? I finally got it. That’s right Ladies and Gentlemen, I am officially the proud owner of a laptop. Here I sit, writing this post to you from my brand new HP Mini 10″. Since I’ve never used a laptop before, and am extremely used to the traditional desktop, I am having quite a few issues, from too large of font size to pushing buttons that I shouldn’t be pushing 😉

    It took me so long to pick it out, and I kept arguing with myself, “Val, you don’t NEED this.” “Yes, but I’ve wanted it for so long!!!” But then I picked it up and I was like, “Yup, I’m taking this home with me!” I wouldn’t have at all if it wasn’t for The Boyfriend cheering me on, and even helping me with the all important pro/con list. This one was easier to type on than the other one.

    So, of course I came home and immediately booted up my brand new laptop. We had gotten The Boyfriend “Red Dead Redemption”, so he was occupied.  I got talking to my Sister, and eventually it lead to a new bit of information that Alfie has leaked to me. Apparently, my favorite (and what I used to think was classier) strip club, has now included a hot tub into the list of features they have. I don’t know for sure all what they have, but when I used to go they had two poles, a swing and a shower. Now they supposedly have a bubbly bath.

    When Alfie first told me about it, I went into this entire rant about what kind of sanitation guidelines they had to follow and how that one tub was going to be the ruin of the adult industry, because of one strippers unsanitary and contagious sexually transmitted infection/disease.

    Then all of a sudden my Sister starts sending me all these little porn clips in MSN. Well, since the whole hatred of The Boyfriend watching porn thing, I haven’t had any desire to have porn anywhere near me. I don’t want to think about other people have sex, and I definitely don’t want to see it. So I hastily ended my conversation with her, and decided to jump on over to ALT.com’s chatrooms and chat with some of the locals.

    I’ve recently discovered that I live very close to some of the people in my community. So much so, that when I saw a firecracker go off in front of my house, they heard it from theirs.  Conversations were going really really great with everyone until one person decided it was time to cyber and another decided it was time to encourage me to either cheat on or leave The Boyfriend.

    And I just feel like neither of those are even close to an option. I can’t imagine breaking up what I have now, what I consider to be my current family, all to satisfy my sexual urges!!! I know that eventually in my life, I need to discover who I am sexually. And if that means that I have to travel on without him, so be it. But I don’t want it to be right now. I feel like I haven’t even gotten the chance to get to know him!!!

    I just think I’m incredibly confused. On the one hand, I so desperately want BDSM to become more a part of my life. On the one hand, I so desperately want to be the sexual person I long to be. But on the other hand, well the other hand really has no idea what it wants at all. But the other hand would like a chance to see if this could work out in its favor, before just flipping out and going off with someone else.

    I don’t even know if I’d be okay with it if The Boyfriend was like, “It’s alright Val, you go off and discover yourself. I’ll be waiting for you with open arms when you get back.” I just don’t know what I want….

    It’d be so different if I didn’t have to constantly think about all these kids. And that was another thing. Someone said because I didn’t take the time to fully discover myself and jumped into the baby thing that it showed a lack of maturity. And I don’t think I agree with that at all.

    No offense to almost everyone I know, but I’m more mature than almost anyone I know. I mean, I am a mother of four whose been taking care of my responsibilities with very little help, for the last three years. I’d say that takes a pretty heightened level of maturity. I’m the one who pays the bills and puts food on the table and clothes on their backs. I’m the one whose kept this particular roof over our head for almost three years now!!! I’d say that’s pretty freaking mature of me…

    And I’m seriously still waiting for one person to tell me that they have reached the point of absolute sexual satisfaction! I’m only 23, I have at least say 23 more years of experience to gain ahead of me. I don’t think I’m in that dreadful of a situation. Unless 23 is somehow now old, in which case, fuck me!!

    Kept going off on statistically. Apparently, statistically, those of us under the age of 25 in a long-term relationship have an 80% fail rate. Believable? Very much so. Apparently, in 5 years it’s unlikely that The Boyfriend and I will even be together. So does that somehow mean that I’m now supposed to forget about his feelings, his existence and just go off and find myself sexually, or do I wait the five years until we’re broken up and then find myself sexually. I mean, I am only 23!!!

    It started off as a really good chat night, and then it just turned bad. I don’t go into chatrooms to cyber or be told to break up with my boyfriend. I go into them to chat about what we’re all striving towards. I go into them to find someone else who thinks about what I think about. And I don’t think about cybering!!!!

    Well, that’s officially my rant for the night. Things are starting to get blurry as I finish my fourth Smirnoff Ice (One ahead of The Boyfriend ;)) Hopefully I’ll be writing tomorrow about my amazing drunken sexperience tonight 😉