Posts Tagged ‘Work’

For 15 weeks, I’ve been doing WTMFI Wednesdays (almost religiously), and I’ve gotten a few quick comments but no serious participants. This morning, I woke  up and checked my e-mail, like every other morning, and I had a comment notification. I hopped on over to my blog to check it out, and imagine my excitement when it was a link to blog where someone had replied to WTMFI Wednesdays – Week 15: Sexting, where you’re asked some questions about technology and sex.

So the very first real reply to WTMFI Wednesdays comes from Screaming Violet, a horny housewife, a whore and a blogger (as her site states…). Check out her blog here, or follow her on Twitter.

Now it’s time for me to rant…

The list of insecurities I’m feeling seems to grow every single day lately. I think The Boyfriend is beginning to feel a little frustrated by it. He’ll say, “That shirt looks good on you.” and I’ll say, “Yeah, I have a mirror, and no it doesn’t” and then I roll my eyes at him. Today, I compared myself to a girl that he thought was much uglier than I. I hope it doesn’t ever become a problem.

If I really think about it, it already is. I don’t put myself out there or dress up and get sexy for him. I complain all the time that I’m not getting enough sex (which you’ll hear more about in a minute…), and then I don’t do anything to make him desire me. It’s kind of my own fault.

But it’s hard when I don’t feel like he really truly desires me sexually. On average in a month, he watches porn more than we have sex. And even though he’s got four nights off a week now, we tend to still only have sex once a week. And most times it seems like he’s avoiding it. We’ll stay up late playing games and/or on the computer and next thing we know 4 AM is rolling around and he’s too tired to keep his eyes open long enough for a goodnight kiss, let alone a goodnight romp.

I remembered today why I don’t ask him questions either. I hear the answers and then they just play over and over again in my mind. I ask what his fascination is with porn. He’s gotta know that the entire thing is bugging the heck out of me. If he hasn’t read my blog about it yet, I’ve been telling him almost everyday not to watch porn, today I told him I knew how much he’d been watching it. He said the sound of porn was fascinating to him. He uses headphones to listen. He probably wouldn’t watch it if he couldn’t hear it. It just keeps playing…

Then, I was so excited about the fire pit(s) and the munches, and the whole idea of going to them. And of course they have to be on days when The Boyfriend works. I don’t think he’s very comfortable with me proceeding on with the whole BDSM lifestyle without him. Especially being that he views it as something that precedes sex.

I’ve been thinking alot about looking into apprenticing under a professional Domme. It’s something that I’ve been interested in doing for years, and just never thought I actually could. It would also be really nice to get into some fetish modeling. Again, all things I don’t think The Boyfriend is 100% okay with.

I keep having this internal argument with myself over the whole thing. Sometimes I wanna be like screw The Boyfriend, if he can’t handle who I am, he can leave. His choice. But other times, I just can’t imagine living my life without him. I sometimes want to throw my hands up and sacrifice this dream that I’ve been chasing for almost ten years now. And every time I get my hopes up that this relationship will eventually transform into the sexual relationship that I’m craving for it to be, something happens that just reminds me that it probably won’t ever get there.

I’d be lucky to get sex more than once a week on a regular basis and not have to compete with porn all the time…

So, The Boyfriend has gone from only having two days off work, to having four days off work. I am absolutely loving every single moment of it. Not only is he more awake all week, we’ve been sticking to a better routine and he’s around to help out more around the house, but we had sex three times last week. That’s like 2 1/2 times more than we normally have sex in a week!

It was honestly great. The first night, he was trying to be really really gentle, just in case us having sex is the reason I was still bleeding for six months! It felt like my first time all over again to be quite honest. It was awkward, and to me, it felt like both of us were thinking too much. He seemed to be fumbling, as if he’d forgotten where everything was.

Then we took a night off, and then the next night I got to be on top. I love when he loves when I’m on top. He looks at me with such excitement in his eyes. We were still pretty gentle this night, though I was on top, and usually when I’m on top, it tends towards the more gentle. I’m more of a grinder than a bouncer, if you know what I mean 😉

The next night, my favorite night, was the roughest out of all the nights. Still not the roughest we’ve ever had, but good enough for me. I finally, after I don’t even wanna think about how many months, got oral. After giving, since the deepthroating incident. Then we 69’d for a bit, which is always fun.

Then he pulled me down to the end of the bed, and for the next hour or so, we just switched the position of my legs and stayed with him standing and me laying at the edge of the bed. First my legs were down and around his back, then they were up and around his neck, then they were spread wide apart.

Of course, once they were open wide, it was the perfect opportunity for me to cum. I’ve been going off for weeks now about Kegel Exercises, thanks to The 100-Kegel-A-Day-Challenge, so as I begin to orgasm, guess who decides to contract his PC muscle. And guess whose got a strong PC muscle. It felt so incredibly different. I’m used to orgasming and my PC muscle going nuts, not so much used to feeling other people’s PC muscle going nuts.

Since he had stopped himself from cumming so many times, it took him a very long time to get to the point of actually cumming. But when he did, it felt so amazingly incredible. My vag was so tired and weak, and then it was just like Hello! I totally could’ve gone for a second round, but I was so tired by that point, that staying up the 18 minutes for The Boyfriend to come back to life, was not going to happen. No matter how hard I tried.

Sadly, the flogger was only pulled out once. And for such a short period of time that it’s hardly worth mentioning. But I handed The Boyfriend the flogger, and asked him to hit my tits with it. He was very hesitant, “Won’t that hurt?”. I was pretty darn sure that with the flogger we have, it wasn’t going to hurt at all, and I was pretty darn right.

I then explained to him all the spots you can’t hit, and he was still convinced it would hurt. The only part that was painful at all in the entire thing, was just as the falls were lifted, the ends of them would tweek my nipple. But it was way more pleasurable than unstandable.

I hope with him having these four days off, that sex does become a more frequent thing. And eventually, I hope the floggings or spankings become more frequent too. And now that I’m no longer breastfeeding, and he’s got so many days off, I hope we’ll start going to munches again. Because I’m missing it like crazy ;(