Craving Vulnerability

The night before last, The Boyfriend finally used the bondage tape on me. He seemed to have a much more luck with the tape then when I tried it out. He artfully wrapped my wrists together and then connected them to the bed so that my arms were together and over my head.

You’d think with all my image issues, that laying there, completely exposed and naked, would’ve made me helpless and out of control and vulnerable. Alas, it did no such thing. I still felt like I had complete control of the situation (even after he bound my feet together), I felt empowered and sexy and desirable. And while all that is great and good, I wanted to feel that weakness and vulnerability.

Ever since that night, it’s all I can think about. In day-to-day life, I have to be so in control of everything. In control of the kids, in control of the cleaning, in control of the money, so in control… Back in the day, I would’ve just been happy with that.

A friend on FetLife today, asked if I’d had any luck dominating The Boyfriend and I remembered the last time I attempted to dominate him and felt completely uncomfortable. I almost felt more vulnerable topping him. It got me thinking though about whether or not I actually desire to dominate The Boyfriend.

I’m so naturally submissive to him sexually. Even though, I’m normally a take control type of girl in the bedroom, and usually am the one initiating everything. With him, I crave his approval and am constantly thinking of pleasing him (not only sexually, but in other areas – even though I’m not very good at it), and it just seems that submission is the best course.

When I think about it, I desire to submit to him more than I desire to dominate him. I just wish I could feel less in control with him, during sexual things mostly. I wish that I had defined limitation for him to break, though currently I’ve got such an, “I’m open to anything” attitude, that it makes it very hard for him.

I think after the better majority of our life is under more control (mostly finances), I’m gonna seriously start pushing for us to create some sort of defined relationship type dealy. We’ve both shown great interest in the idea of punishments and rewards, and I think it would be a great motivator for me to accomplish some of the goals that I’ve put out for myself this year.

I’ve told him that I think it would be cool if we had set rules, like for instance, at a certain time everyday I have to do a workout (and since he’s always said he wants to be my personal trainer, he can choose the exercises), and if I don’t, I get punished with something that I wouldn’t like. Preferably something humiliating. Or that all the dishes have to be done and put away, or I’ll be forced to do something like, the dishes naked or clean the toilet with a toothbrush or stand in the corner or something.

I think I’m just mostly determined to take the only-for-foreplay thing out of the parts of our sex life that excite me the most. It’s something I really want to try 24/7, not 15 minutes once a week!

Need Help Writing

So, I’ve been hard at work these last couple of days, writing and writing and writing The Brighton Tales over at The Erotica of a Tortured Mind. I’ve made it to the end of Chapter 5, and now I’m unsure where to go. There’s so many characters who could potentially carry on in the story in a variety of different ways, and now I’m not sure who I want to write about. Any suggestions? You can e-mail me, comment here, comment there, leave a suggestion in the suggestion box on the left sidebar on The Erotica of a Tortured Mind, or anywhere else you can contact me (and there’s too many to list here!).

It’s been pretty exhilarating writing this whole thing. I didn’t even really mean to, it pretty much just started testing out Blogger in Draft. It’s the first time I’ve ever written a story without thinking it through ahead of time. I’m just kind of letting the story take me wherever it takes me.

Nothing kinky has happened around here lately. The Boyfriend’s got an extra day off this week, so the outlook for Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday looks fun. He’s already got plans for using the bondage tape on me, and he keeps shaking his butt in front of me, and saying, “Wouldn’t you like to flog this?”. To which I quickly and excitedly reply, “Yes, please!!”

I see one of two things happening from the rather vanilla boyfriend (and I’m hoping that they don’t). Either:

1. He’s gonna seem bored, much like he did until the bondage tape was removed from his wrists
2. He’s gonna flinch about and give up before it even gets good, claiming that it hurts too much (Alfie used to do it all the time, even when I was being incredibly gentle. Probably because he just wasn’t that interested…)

So I’m hoping neither of those things will happen. I’m hoping instead that it gets him really turned on, I’m hoping that he’ll like it enough to want it more and more until he craves it as much as I do. I know, I’ve got high hopes 😉

Even if he decides he hates being beneath the flogger, I think I’ll be okay. As long as he still likes wielding the flogger, which I think he really does. I would rather live the rest of my life, submitting to a flogger, than not having any connection to BDSM. Even though my ultimate desire is to have someone submitting to me. But minor details, we’ll work that out later.

We also stopped by our local Wal-Mart’s family planning section, where you can get condoms and lubes and the dreaded yeast infection solutions. Even though it’s a small section, they had a pretty good selection of stuff. Flavored lubes, warming lubes, lubes that doubled as moisturizer (which is the only lube I own, and rarely ever use), ribbed condoms, twisted condoms. The one thing I didn’t see was a female condom, though I have no interest in using one of them.

I’m not even really interested in using regular condoms, hence the depo. But The Boyfriend seems to be showing interest in introducing condoms. I think part of it is fear that I’ll get pregnant again, and neither one of us want that anytime soon. We’ve both agreed when all the kids we currently have are in school (at least another 5 years), that we’ll try once more for a girl. But right now, it would just suck! I think the other part of it, is purely just thinking of changing it up, which I think is sweet.

So no participants in WTMFI Wednesdays yet. Hopefully that changes soon. If you have any questions, you’re more than welcome to contact me.

The Brighton Tales – For Lack of a Better Title

Well my friends, I have been hard at work these last two days, and am sure I’m on way to writing a pretty decent little novel. So what have I been working so hard on? Wouldn’t you like to know…

Just kidding 😉 This week, I learnt that Blogger now offers pages, which was the entire reason this blog was created with WordPress. I had used Blogger in the past for blogs that I never stuck with, and needed the use of pages for this blog. So, imagine my excitement upon finding out that Blogger offers pages!

I worked hard on getting on an old blog that I had started up and running. In a day, not only did I template search and html-ize the heck out of things, but I managed to write an extremely long post on my first day, followed up by an extremely long post written today.

The newest addition to The Rantings Network, The Erotica of a Tortured Mind hopes to offer quality BDSM and fetish erotica written by me 😉 Also, I’m hoping to accept submissions, so if you’ve got an erotic story or poem you’d like to submit, please feel free to contact me.

That was the other thing I was working so hard on this weekend. The Rantings of a Tortured Mind – PG Edition has no about page, because I don’t know how to write about my rather mundane life. I’ve been contemplating for months how to fix this problem, and as I searched through free templates on btemplates.com, I found the perfect solution.

If you ever want to contact me, or ever want to know more about me (sans images), the best place on the entire web to go to is my new Visiting Card. With a list of all the social networking sites I’m a part of, an about page and my contact information, this site is your go to contact page. Or you can use the information (which is the same) on the contact page of this site.

I look forward to seeing some submissions, and hopefully it will be more than the two Brighton Tales I’ve written already.