Lack of Communication

Last night had to be one of the worst nights ever. The Boyfriend and I got in our first official fight and all over shit that happened awhile back. After hours of talking upstairs about a variety of things from ex-girlfriends/boyfriends, my previous mental issues and drug use, we decided it was finally time for bed.

Remember along time ago, how I had sent him that message on Facebook about how much I despised him watching porn and asking why he was searching for a girl on Google. I never got a response. Then I started thinking, “Oh my god, it’s his ex-girlfriend”. For the first time in two weeks, he showed interest in finally having sex and I just kept thinking over and over again, “Why couldn’t he just have told me that? Why have I had to wait months and months? Was it innocent, or did he feel guilty and that’s why we never talked about it?”

So as he begins making out with me, he can tell I’m completely not happy. He pulls back and asks what’s wrong. I rolled over and said, “Nothing I want to talk about.” He laid there for a few minutes longer, just rubbing my back and my heart began beating faster and faster, to the point where I started feeling sick. I blurted out, “Why did you never respond to anything I wrote you on Facebook?” He said some bullshit about not wanting to talk over Facebook, so I responded with, “Why couldn’t you talk to me face-to-face then?”

After I go off about the entire message all over again, from how he makes me feel undesirable when he only has sex with me every two weeks, and how it felt crappy to have him searching on Google for girls, and how it haunts me everyday that I still have no idea what all that was about.

Then to top it all off, the other night he officially called me fat. After saying that my second best feature was my personality and then maybe my boobs (after my legs), we were talking about my brother’s previous girlfriends. We’re talking about how dumb they are, and their weight gets brought into the picture. I say something like, “Don’t say that” and he wraps his arm around me, and basically says that I’m fat but it doesn’t matter because at least I’m smart.

So I say all of this and include the chunky porn girl thing, and then I go to roll a smoke. I come back down and he’s just laying there silent. I say, “We’re not going to talk about this are we?” and he rolls over. “I’ll take that as a yes” and he says, “I don’t know what to say that isn’t going to bite me in the ass.”

Horrible things ran through my head at that point, I got up out of bed and came and slept on the couch. Now we’ve both been awake for half an hour at least and he hasn’t even looked at me, hasn’t said a single freaking word and spent the first 20 minutes avoiding being in the same room as me. I hate that we can’t even freaking communicate about something so petty. Argh, I’m angry.

The Lessons of Green Eggs and Ham

Tonight, as I sat in a circle with The Boyfriend at my side, and my sister and her boyfriend, we discussed many things, and giggled at many as well. I was speaking to my Dad tonight for the first time in forever, and none of what he was saying was making any sense. Someone said “Put green eggs and ham and see what he says!” and The Boyfriend said something along the lines of “He’ll probably say ‘Whoa, that’s deep!” to which we all broke out into a hysterical laugh.

But through my extreme laughter, I started thinking “Yeah, whoa, that is deep. Real deep!” As I said it out loud, I got strange looks from the group around me, which I of course returned with an even stranger look, confused at how they didn’t see it.

I realized that my number one sexual philosophy for myself, is completely demonstrated and summed up in Dr. Seuss’ popular children’s book, Green Eggs and Ham.

See in this book, Sam runs around asking if the other guy wants green eggs and ham. Eventually after alot of chasing and alot of questions, Sam convinces the other guy to eat the green eggs and ham. Guess what? The other guy loved it!!! He absolutely loved green eggs so much that he was no longer angry with Sam, and he even chanted that he would he eat them on a boat with a goat, in a house with a mouse. He even said he would eat them here, there and everywhere!

So, how does this demonstrate and sum up my number one sexual philosophy? Well, it’s simple really. When it comes to sexual activities, don’t knock anything until you try it. Don’t just assume you don’t like something. I have a very specific rule for myself: Everything must be experimented with in three’s. There are only three things that are absolute hard limits for me that I won’t experiment with, and that’s poop, pee and puke (The three P’s. Are you seeing a pattern here?)

I don’t think in any area of our lives, we should just cut out options without at least trying them first. You never know what’s going to work and what you’re going to like. I’m a big believer in having a clear definition of who you are, especially sexually because I believe it’s the only way to be sexually satisfied.

You can’t define yourself when you haven’t explored yourself! You can’t say “I don’t like this”, if you never have tried it. I personally think that that is pretty darn deep! All thanks to Green Eggs and Ham.

2 in 1 Sex Toy Fun

Well, I can officially say I’ve used more than a crappy vibrator now! Finally, after two nights of having a box of sex toys calling my name, The Boyfriend and I finally got some use out of some of them.

We pulled everything that we might like to use out, laid them out for easy access and began a nice little make out session that quickly turned to toy use. First was this little jelly dildo that was meant for anal penetration, but when I saw it, I knew I wanted to try it vaginally. It was much much pointier than I expected it to be, and it literally felt like I was being poked internally.

Shortly thereafter, I grabbed the cock ring with the vibrator attachment. The Utopia Vibrating Love Ring to be exact. I lubed up The Boyfriend and was surprised at how easy the thing slid over him. Unfortunately, when I slid it on, the vibrator part was kind of off to one side, and getting it to turn to the front was near impossible. And I wasn’t about to remove the thing!

So for most of the actual sex, the clitoral vibrator was mostly on our legs. But the vibrations could be felt throughout his cock and it was incredibly good. It didn’t take him as long as I expected for him to cum, and when he did, it felt like the little nubbies along the ring expanded and began much more pronounced.

I maneuvered the clitoral stimulator to the front, and sat on it hard to keep it there, after he had finished cumming. After a few short twists of my hips, I was cumming frantically, scratching at The Boyfriend’s chest.

Pulling the ring off was a little bit harder, and I was so scared that I would hurt The Boyfriend. But other than that, it was a great fun time. Unfortunately, the sex didn’t help the headache that The Boyfriend had, so we fell asleep almost immediately afterwards.

WTMFI Wednesdays – Week 26: BDSM 101

• Question 1:
  
  The term BDSM covers a lot of ground. What’s your kink(s)?
  
  I have a long list of kinks. Pretty much, the three aspects of the actual terms of BDSM are my main interests.I’m very curious about Bondage, and would love to receive some Behavior Modification (B&D). In a perfect world I would be in a D/s relationship, or more like a D/s household. Because I would like to have a Dominant and be a Dominant, and The Boyfriend really only has an interest (if you could call it that), in Dominance. And, who doesn’t love giving and receiving pain? Okay, apparently alot of people, but I’m not one of them! Bring on the pain.

  Though don’t get this idea that I’m a pain slut, because I don’t think I’m anywhere near there yet, though I could see it easily in my future.

• Question 2:
  
  How do you identify? How would you explain your role? (Top, bottom, Master, slave, S/switch)
  
  I identify as a newbie S/switch, simply because I feel like I haven’t even begun to explore BDSM. I still consider myself in the learning phase. And I identify as a S/switch because I haven’t necessarily picked a role.Prior to dating The Boyfriend, and having all these kids, I was convinced that I was a total Dominant. Now though, I seem to go straight to submission and almost crave it. I often fantasize about having a collar and receiving punishments, as opposed to giving those things.

• Question 3:
  
  Are you involved in your local BDSM community? What about an online BDSM community?
  
  It depends on how you define involved. I’ve gone to a couple munches, though not as many as I’ve wanted to go to. It’s often very hard with the kids,  no one will watch the kids for me to go to a munch, because they all think it’s a kinky party where we get together and screw like rabbits or something.I go as often as I can, and I wish I could go so much more often. I wish that I could not only be involved in this community, but also Edmonton and Calgary’s communities too. Alas, it must wait and I must be patient.

  I am a member of various online communities, including alt.com and collarme, but I mostly prefer to stick with FetLife, which I find to be less about trolling and more about learning, which we all know is something I absolutely love!!

• Question 4:
  
  How did you first learn about BDSM? Does most of your knowledge come from a person or information online? How many years experience do you have?
  
  I think my first real introduction to BDSM was this show on Showcase called KINK. I started with the Vancouver KINK and continued on until the Montreal KINK. I’d watch religiously every week and became fascinated with the entire concept.I was right around 14 at the time and at 16 began researching as much as I could about BDSM on the web.  Of course, since everything good is restricted to adults, I was mostly introduced deeper into sexuality, which was fine for me.

  I’ve done most of my research online, in my own time, without the assistance of anyone else. I’m desperate for a really good BDSM mentor. One who will teach me everything I think I need to know, one who will let me cry on their shoulder when I’ve had a bad experience. I have alot of issues with meeting mentors though, because I often don’t trust the intentions of those who claim to be mentors.

• Question 5:
  
  If you were stranded on an island and could only take three BDSM related toys with you, what would you choose and why?

  I would probably choose to take rope or bondage tape (preferably rope because it lasts longer), most definitely a flogger and probably a hairbrush because it puts the fun in functional 😉

BONUS QUESTION:
What do you want the rest of the world to know about BDSM?

It’s not what you think it is!

Upcoming: FetLife Fridays

It’s only about a month away before we start doing FetLife Fridays here on The Rantings of a Tortured Mind – XXX Rated Edition. Every week (on Friday), we’ll be featuring the best content from around the quickly evolving social networking site for kinksters by kinksters.

If you haven’t joined FetLife yet, you should! Unlike many of the social networking sites geared towards those of us who are kinky, this site is not meant for hooking up. It’s meant for support, friendship, and education.

I’ve started a group on FetLife called The Rantings Network and we’re getting prepared for the first FetLife Fridays (scheduled for September 3rd, 2010). We’re discussing aftercare. So join us in discussing why we should be using aftercare, how we should be using it, when we should be using it and what it really means.

Then join us here on September 3rd, 2010 and find out what the kinksters on FetLife think about aftercare. Also view featured groups and more related to aftercare. Hope you enjoy!

Join FetLife Today!

Craving a Spanking

Seriously, it’s getting kind of tired now and I’m starting to just feel frustrated. At least once a day everyday (usually a hell of a lot more), I’m experiencing these twinges in my clit and then I spend the rest of the day massively craving a spanking or desperately wanting to flog The Boyfriend.

Last night only made it worse, when The Boyfriend let me playfully flog him after we play fought. It was incredibly sexy and he was wiggling around and dancing about and it was so much fun. I walked away and just said, “I wish you’d take it more seriously sometimes.”

It’s not that I don’t love the playfulness of it all. Because I really do. But I wish that we would follow through on at least one thing we said we were going to integrate. Like punishments and rewards. How many times have I not done the dishes? And how many times have I said I was going to learn to belly dance and haven’t (not really, outside of my bathroom belly dance)? And how many times, in my books, did I deserve a punishment. Because, trust me, the ratio is just not balancing out.

I figured with him not working, we’d be having sex all the time and kink would become more and more something that was integrated into our sex lives and eventually our everyday lives. But it’s been nothing like that at all.

It’s been big long gaps in between sex. And at first I was thinking it was mostly my fault because of all my insecurity issues, but lately it seems like it’s more him than me. Like he’s the one who chooses to stay up late, and he’s the one who falls asleep first and he’s waiting for me to initiate.

I’ve told him that no matter what, this month we’re going to a munch. I can already see it not happening. It’s just starting to suck. It sucks that our sex is so amazing, and we have it so little. It sucks that he keeps playing around with something I’m pretty darn serious about. And it sucks that he doesn’t realize how it makes me feel. It sucks even more that I’m not even sure how it makes me feel.

Outside of my sexual frustrations, everything is going pretty darn good for me. A person I know is sending me a box of sex toys (left over inventory from when she ran her own business). The hope is to do a few home parties and then start selling online. I hate how it’s so hard for everyone to understand that my main goal isn’t to make money. My main goal is to raise sexual awareness and understanding, and promote a healthy sexuality. Money is just an added bonus. But, I’m excited none the less. I’m very curious what’s going to be inside the box 😉

Well, cross your fingers that I get a spanking or flogging soon. If not, I might cry or get angry…

WTMFI Wednesdays – Week 25: Would You Rather… #4

• Question 1:
  
  Would you rather eat berries from between someone’s toes OR eat beans from between someone’s toes?

  Definitely, without a doubt, berries! Firstly, because I despise beans. I can’t even eat food that’s been near beans. But also because the consistency just makes more sense.
  

• Question 2:
  
  Would you rather have sex laying down OR have sex sitting or standing?

  I’m much more of a laying down kind of girl. I can better hide the parts of my body that I don’t like, I feel like I can be more intimate and if I’m making funny faces, they’re easy to hide too.

  I’ve always wanted to enjoy sitting and standing sex, it’s just not my thing. It’s fun sometimes, but most of the time, I’d rather be laying down.
  

• Question 3:
  
  Would you rather be caressed OR grabbed?

  It really depends on my mood and the situation. Most nights, I prefer to be grabbed and “forced”, but sometimes I seriously enjoy being caressed gently and all over!
  

• Question 4:
  
  Would you rather have someone pull your hair OR scratch your back?

  Most definitely pull my hair. I used to really enjoy scratching of any kind pretty much anywhere. But now, I find I’m too sensitive to the scratching. I don’t even really like to do it to other people anymore. But I love to have my hair pulled, especially if I’m giving head!
  

• Question 5:
  
  Would you rather have sex in the wilderness OR in a completely public place?

  Can I choose both? Because I’d love to have sex in the wilderness (with a blanket, of course!) and I’d love to have sex in a very public place, like a baseball game!

BONUS QUESTION:
Would you rather be told your sexy OR smart?

Again, I say to you, can I choose both? I want to be told I’m sexy, cute, smart, amazing, those lovey dovey words. It’s one of those ones where it depends on who I’m talking to. If it’s from The Boyfriend, I want to hear I’m sexy. If it’s from any Tom, Dick or Harry, I want to hear I’m smart!