WTMFI Wednesdays – Week 19: Couple’s Retreat

“And I Will Always Love You”

This Week’s Questions

1. How did you and your partner meet? Did you know immediately that they were the one for you? How long after you met did you start dating?
2. What’s your favorite thing that your partner does? What’s your least favorite thing that your partner does?
3. What’s something you wish your partner would do more of, either sexually or non-sexually, or both?
4. What’s everyone’s thoughts on PDA’s (Public Displays of Affection)?
5. What’s the kinkiest thing you have done with your partner?

BONUS QUESTION:
Are you forever kind of people and believe that you are going to be together for the rest of your lives? Or are you more of a live by the moment type of couple, and you’ll see what each coming day is like?

RULES

Each week, for Wednesday, you post answers to the five questions that are posted. You may answer all, or only one or two of the questions. You can post in whichever format works for you, be it video, poetry, answers, pictures or audio.

Insert the WTMFI Wednesdays image at the top of this post (get instructions here) into your post, linking back to The Rantings of a Tortured Mind – XXX Rated Edition at https://rantingsofatorturedmindxxx.wordpress.com

Leave a link to your post with the answered questions in the comments section of Wednesday’s WTMFI post. There is a special page for all the links that are submitted, so be sure to submit your links.

Have Fun!!!!

Problem with Sexuality

I hate that I have such a problem with The Boyfriend being sexual without me. From porn to masturbating, I have such a problem with him watching or doing either of those things, without me. It shouldn’t bug me.

I’m the most accepting person I know of the fact that we are all sexual beings with sexual needs and desires. I understand watching porn or masturbating. And yet, just the idea of The Boyfriend masturbating while I’m not there, makes me automatically angry.

For some reason, I’ve been having trust issues with The Boyfriend. He hasn’t done anything at all to deserve it. If anyone has any rights to trust issues, it’s him, not me. And yet I’m almost always saying to him, “I don’t trust you”, especially in all sorts of sexual areas. From did he watch porn (which he hasn’t, and if he has he’s done a spectacular job of hiding it), to is he enjoying having sex with me.

I think it’s partially this immature thought that just because I don’t watch porn or masturbate unless he’s there, that he should just do the same. And that’s unfair for me to ask for. Especially being that guys normally watch porn and masturbate for different reasons than girls do – or at least that’s my theory. I just wish I could figure out the cause of the anger so that I could work towards getting over it.

Today he asks how late Alfie stayed over last night. I don’t ever lie to him about when Alfie was here, because I need to earn back the trust that I lost, and honesty is the number one step to that. I know it bothers him more than anything when Alfie comes over, and I often rationalize with him that Alfie is my only “friend”, my one connection to the outside world that doesn’t consist solely of kids. So he goes and says that every time I let Alfie come over after he leaves for work, he should get to do something that makes me upset. And since the only thing that I’ve ever stated makes me upset is watching porn, he’s basically saying every time Alfie comes over, he’s gonna watch porn.

I said to him, “I hate that you put Alfie and porn in the same category”, because they’re not. Porn is not the father of three of his children, and porn is not the one person he’s considered to be his best friend in the entire world for the last six, almost seven years. Plus, porn doesn’t just show up on his doorstep! Porn doesn’t call him every night and make him feel guilty when he says no to it. Alfie does all that and more. Saying yes to him coming over at night is a thousand times better for everyone, than saying no. Because than we don’t have to deal with immature, dramatic bullshit that Alfie would pull!

I think if he started watching porn as a type of punishment for me hanging out with my only friend (though, if Alfie and I didn’t have kids and such a history, we probably wouldn’t be friends), it would only make things worse. It would halfway drive me to Alfie, because I’d need someone to vent my frustrations to. It’s such a complicated situation, and I need to determine a way to make it less complicated…

Bad Chat…

Tons to write about tonight… From unsanitary stripper hot tubs to the most exciting part of my day, hopefully I’ll be able to keep it together 😉

So first big bit of news, guess what I got today?!?!?!? I’ve been saying I wanted one for years, and guess what folks? I finally got it. That’s right Ladies and Gentlemen, I am officially the proud owner of a laptop. Here I sit, writing this post to you from my brand new HP Mini 10″. Since I’ve never used a laptop before, and am extremely used to the traditional desktop, I am having quite a few issues, from too large of font size to pushing buttons that I shouldn’t be pushing 😉

It took me so long to pick it out, and I kept arguing with myself, “Val, you don’t NEED this.” “Yes, but I’ve wanted it for so long!!!” But then I picked it up and I was like, “Yup, I’m taking this home with me!” I wouldn’t have at all if it wasn’t for The Boyfriend cheering me on, and even helping me with the all important pro/con list. This one was easier to type on than the other one.

So, of course I came home and immediately booted up my brand new laptop. We had gotten The Boyfriend “Red Dead Redemption”, so he was occupied.  I got talking to my Sister, and eventually it lead to a new bit of information that Alfie has leaked to me. Apparently, my favorite (and what I used to think was classier) strip club, has now included a hot tub into the list of features they have. I don’t know for sure all what they have, but when I used to go they had two poles, a swing and a shower. Now they supposedly have a bubbly bath.

When Alfie first told me about it, I went into this entire rant about what kind of sanitation guidelines they had to follow and how that one tub was going to be the ruin of the adult industry, because of one strippers unsanitary and contagious sexually transmitted infection/disease.

Then all of a sudden my Sister starts sending me all these little porn clips in MSN. Well, since the whole hatred of The Boyfriend watching porn thing, I haven’t had any desire to have porn anywhere near me. I don’t want to think about other people have sex, and I definitely don’t want to see it. So I hastily ended my conversation with her, and decided to jump on over to ALT.com’s chatrooms and chat with some of the locals.

I’ve recently discovered that I live very close to some of the people in my community. So much so, that when I saw a firecracker go off in front of my house, they heard it from theirs.  Conversations were going really really great with everyone until one person decided it was time to cyber and another decided it was time to encourage me to either cheat on or leave The Boyfriend.

And I just feel like neither of those are even close to an option. I can’t imagine breaking up what I have now, what I consider to be my current family, all to satisfy my sexual urges!!! I know that eventually in my life, I need to discover who I am sexually. And if that means that I have to travel on without him, so be it. But I don’t want it to be right now. I feel like I haven’t even gotten the chance to get to know him!!!

I just think I’m incredibly confused. On the one hand, I so desperately want BDSM to become more a part of my life. On the one hand, I so desperately want to be the sexual person I long to be. But on the other hand, well the other hand really has no idea what it wants at all. But the other hand would like a chance to see if this could work out in its favor, before just flipping out and going off with someone else.

I don’t even know if I’d be okay with it if The Boyfriend was like, “It’s alright Val, you go off and discover yourself. I’ll be waiting for you with open arms when you get back.” I just don’t know what I want….

It’d be so different if I didn’t have to constantly think about all these kids. And that was another thing. Someone said because I didn’t take the time to fully discover myself and jumped into the baby thing that it showed a lack of maturity. And I don’t think I agree with that at all.

No offense to almost everyone I know, but I’m more mature than almost anyone I know. I mean, I am a mother of four whose been taking care of my responsibilities with very little help, for the last three years. I’d say that takes a pretty heightened level of maturity. I’m the one who pays the bills and puts food on the table and clothes on their backs. I’m the one whose kept this particular roof over our head for almost three years now!!! I’d say that’s pretty freaking mature of me…

And I’m seriously still waiting for one person to tell me that they have reached the point of absolute sexual satisfaction! I’m only 23, I have at least say 23 more years of experience to gain ahead of me. I don’t think I’m in that dreadful of a situation. Unless 23 is somehow now old, in which case, fuck me!!

Kept going off on statistically. Apparently, statistically, those of us under the age of 25 in a long-term relationship have an 80% fail rate. Believable? Very much so. Apparently, in 5 years it’s unlikely that The Boyfriend and I will even be together. So does that somehow mean that I’m now supposed to forget about his feelings, his existence and just go off and find myself sexually, or do I wait the five years until we’re broken up and then find myself sexually. I mean, I am only 23!!!

It started off as a really good chat night, and then it just turned bad. I don’t go into chatrooms to cyber or be told to break up with my boyfriend. I go into them to chat about what we’re all striving towards. I go into them to find someone else who thinks about what I think about. And I don’t think about cybering!!!!

Well, that’s officially my rant for the night. Things are starting to get blurry as I finish my fourth Smirnoff Ice (One ahead of The Boyfriend ;)) Hopefully I’ll be writing tomorrow about my amazing drunken sexperience tonight 😉

You Can’t Always Get What You Want!

These last couple of days has been completely unsatisfying. From lack of communication to sex that ends badly, it’s just been a series of days that makes me want to cry.

After reaching my breaking point with the whole porn thing, I wrote The Boyfriend a message bitching about it on Facebook while he was at work, since apparently we can’t talk in person. Not a single response back, not on Facebook, not in real life, nothing. So the first two or three days he was home on days off, we pretty much sat in silent. When we did talk, it was about video games or movies that are coming out.

Then we had sex. I had said I wasn’t going to until he talked to me about some of the shit that I’ve been complaining about. But when you have him next to you, it’s very very hard to resist temptation. The sex was good for the most part. I didn’t get off, even though I tried really hard, and then after we were done he rolled over and fell asleep. Things stayed kind of awkward, but less silent.

Then we went to a family gathering two days ago, even though on many levels I didn’t want to. My brother showed up here, and The Boyfriend says to me that he’s not allowed to come with us. And I was completely crushed. I hate how we can be involved with each other’s families, but god forbid our families be involved with each other. Especially if they’re in a mental institution. I just don’t get it some days. Don’t really feel like bitching much about it. But it was also cold and windy out and I’ve been in this state of not liking the state of our relationship, and I don’t want to go around making it seem to everyone else like we’re okay. I did that with Alfie all the time, and it just feels like you’re completely lying.

So we finish there and come home and decide we’re going to pick up the 3rd season of Gilmore Girls so that we’d have something to watch. He missed work last night, and as we’re watching TV, I reach over to put my hand on his leg, end up touching cock instead. While I went from not even thinking about sex (I know, surprise!), to wanting him so bad.

It was really great sex. As it almost always is. Lately afterwards though, I feel so deflated and wrong. I don’t even really know how to explain exactly how I feel. I’ve noticed that unless I go into detail about what I liked about the sex, we don’t talk about it at all. The last couple of times, I’ve just sat silently afterwards waiting for him to say something that makes me feel good about what we’ve just done. The most I’ve gotten was, “That was amazing!”. And while in man land, that may be an acceptable answer, in Valerie Land, I need so much more than that.

I just want someone who will pay half as much attention to me as I do to them. Will remember some little detail of a story that I told them once in passing, and when I talk about it again they’ll be able to say, “I’ve heard this already” or someone who notices my neck is hurting because I’m turning my entire body instead of just my head. Someone who will notice I’m having a crappy day and will try to be comforting instead of just giving me the silent treatment. I don’t think I’ll ever be able to find a person who cares about me as much as I care about them. I don’t think I’m ever going to find Mr./Mrs. Right. I’ll probably spend my entire life finding alot of Mr./Mrs. Almost Rights, but nothing that is ever going to truly and completely fill my happiness/satisfaction meter.

I think I just seriously need to orgasm. Two times in the last little while, I’ve been brought very close. Incredibly close. And two times, I haven’t gotten off. Add that on top of my previous sexually frustrated self, and I’m literally a time bomb just waiting to go off.

Well, here’s to the start of another set of days off. Hopefully this week is better than all the last. As long as he doesn’t watch porn (or at least, covers it up better), then we should all be good. I hate that I’m like that…

WTMFI Wednesdays – Week 14: Have You Ever… #3

“Have You Ever…”

This Week’s Questions

1. Have you ever had someone fart during sex?
2. Have you ever been injured or injured someone else during sex?
3. Have you ever not kissed at all during sex?
4. Have you ever orgasmed from a kiss?
5. Have you ever tasted your own cum?

BONUS QUESTION:
Have you ever stopped suddenly during sex?

RULES

Each week, for Wednesday, you post answers to the five questions that are posted. You may answer all, or only one or two of the questions. You can post in whichever format works for you, be it video, poetry, answers, pictures or audio.

Insert the WTMFI Wednesdays image at the top of this post (get instructions here) into your post, linking back to The Rantings of a Tortured Mind – XXX Rated Edition at https://rantingsofatorturedmindxxx.wordpress.com

Leave a link to your post with the answered questions in the comments section of Wednesday’s WTMFI post. There is a special page for all the links that are submitted, so be sure to submit your links.

Have Fun!!!!

…Click the Read More button to see Valerie Rayne’s answers …

SURPRISE!!!

So yesterday was an odd type day. In the morning, The Boyfriend was kinda mad at me, for a variety of reasons, most of which he had complete rights to. He had posted a status to Facebook, which he only ever does when he wants me to know something’s up.

After spending almost the entire day in complete silence, not touching each other, I decided I was going to soak in a nice hot bath. Again, I’m reading Sadopaeidia (which I seem to go through every couple of baths), and The Boyfriend comes down to share a smoke. Guess who was naked?

Well, of course, I was! And so was he, except his socks – weirdo! After some gentle water rubbing (rather non-sexually), I pulled him into the bath with me (yes, he took off his socks…). And again, we successfully had bath tub sex in my tinsy tiny tub.

Bath tub sex is seriously fun. It’s awkward and uncomfortable, but in a way that you’re not afraid to laugh at it. The water feels nice swishing around you. And The Boyfriend kind of lifts me up with ease and it’s just a different kind of sex completely.

After the bath, things went from Woohoo to Ugh… I was all like, “Wow, I wasn’t expecting that. Especially with you being mad at me.” This sparked an entire conversation, that turned to a debate because I bitched about him posting a status on Facebook for everyone who doesn’t even know me, and his sister who does, to find out that he has a problem with our relationship before I do.

Of course, that got thrown back in my face real quick, being that on occasion, I’ve posted stuff on my blog about our relationship that I didn’t tell him previously. He was even able to name the exact post that his sister confronted him and asked what kind of problems we were having that I would write it.

So I’ve officially discovered why I don’t argue with The Boyfriend. And that’s because, he argues exactly like I do. He’s able to back up his argument, and doesn’t just talk out of his ass. And like I said earlier, he has every right to be upset, and I would think he was seriously psychotic if he wasn’t upset.

I keep having Alfie over after The Boyfriend goes to work, even though we agreed a long time ago that Alfie wouldn’t come over after The Boyfriend left. I don’t know why I keep doing it, especially being that I know it upsets The Boyfriend alot and I don’t want to cause him upset. I’m hoping eventually I can get it together and stop doing things that bother him, especially when I know that they bother him. First I think, I need to figure out why it is that I continue to do these things even when I know better.

So the good thing is, I got laid and we both got stuff off our chests!

WTMFI Wednesdays – Week 8: Have You Ever… #2

“You Did What?!? Where?!?”

This Week’s Questions

1. Have you ever masturbated while someone watched?
2. Have you ever masturbated in public while no one else was around? What about while someone was?
3. Have you ever masturbated at school?
4. Have you ever been caught by your parents masturbating to porn?
5. Have you ever masturbated for longer than 15 minutes and still didn’t cum? Why do you think that was?

BONUS QUESTION:
Have you ever masturbated and felt absolutely ashamed?

RULES

Each week, for Wednesday, you post answers to the five questions that are posted. You may answer all, or only one or two of the questions. You can post in whichever format works for you, be it video, poetry, answers, pictures or audio.

Insert the WTMFI Wednesdays image at the top of this post (get instructions here) into your post, linking back to The Rantings of a Tortured Mind – XXX Rated Edition at https://rantingsofatorturedmindxxx.wordpress.com

Leave a link to your post with the answered questions in the comments section of Wednesday’s WTMFI post. There is a special page for all the links that are submitted, so be sure to submit your links.

Have Fun!!!!

… Click the Read More button to see Valerie Rayne’s answers …